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The Napkin Writer
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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The Napkin Writer |
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The Napkin Writer Member
since 2002-06-28
Posts 70 |
The Napkin Writer As I slowly, make my way, through the doors of the sad and gloom The waitress comes, and hand me a drink, a drink, where sorrow looms This place is all secluded, from all whom else can see A place where I can sit and doodle, of stories of life, and me I need no pads of paper, on the table sits a stack Of freshly place, and folded napkins, to pen my life’s heartaches I need no tape-recorder, I always keep close by A napkin for my poetic verse, under the drink, that I have cried As the smoked-filled room, clouds my mind, I write, how love has parted My words are soft and somber, though inked, from the broken hearted And when my nights are ending, my verses turn to song Such peaceful words, telling the world, what its like to be alone So now I abandon my verses, my words of love and grace And make my way, to the door, to leave this smoked-filled place Just when I know, someone will find, my inks, of love so rash The waitress comes, and cleans the room, and those napkins, go in the trash But every once in a while, yet a great little while, you’ll see some verses shown They publish and print, what a waitress has sent, and they mark the poet, unknown! ©, 1998 The Napkin Writer |
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| © Copyright 2002 The Napkin Writer - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Permiabilities Junior Member
since 2002-07-05
Posts 27 |
real cool poem...i liked it a lot. imo i think that the rhyme was nice but it was inconsistant... ex: And when my nights are ending, my verses turn to SONG Such peaceful words, telling the world, what its like to be ALONE I need no pads of paper, on the table sits a STACK Of freshly place, and folded napkins, to pen my life’s HEARTACHES every other stanza (besides the last 2 that were only 3 lines long) rhymed at the end of the 2nd and 4th lines. i just noticed it....thats all. i liked the poem nonetheless. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hello NapkinWriter, Just wanted to welcome you to CA. Nice first entry here and it looks like you have already been pretty active in commenting on others' work too. Thanks, it's good to have an active new member. Check your email. Pete |
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Soleil Noir Senior Member
since 2001-12-19
Posts 688USA |
Welcome to Passions. I will enjoy following your work! |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
Here are my suggested revisions: The Napkin Writer As I slowly make my way through the doors of the sad and gloom *these adjectives seem to be doing a poor job of posing as nouns the waitress comes and hands me a drink, a drink where sorrow looms. *a waitress hands you a drink on the way in? Now that's service! This place is all secluded, *place seems a little vague from all whom else can see, *unnatural syntax, esp. given the style of the rest of the poem a place where I can sit and doodle, of stories of life and me. *life and me might sound better as "my life and I" I need no pads of paper, on the table sits a stack Of freshly placed and folded napkins to pen my life’s heartaches *the napkins are writing? No. Try "on which to pen..." I need no tape-recorder. I always keep close by a napkin for my poetic verse under the drink that I have cried. *this stanza is a little confusing, I would consider deletion As the smoked-filled room clouds my mind, I write of how love has parted. My words are soft and somber though inked by/for the broken hearted. And when my nights are ending, my verses turn to song, such peaceful words that tell the world what it's like to be alone. So now I abandon my verses, my words of love and grace, and make my way to the door, to leave this smoked-filled place. Just when I know, someone will find, my inks of love so rash The waitress comes, and cleans the room, and those napkins, go in the trash *this stanza may be necessary but needs reworded But every once in a while, yet a great little while, you’ll see some verses shown. They publish and print what a waitress has sent and they mark the poet, unknown! *I really like the ending, but the first three lines of the last stanza don't say a whole lot and could do a better job of setting up the punch of the conclusion. Good luck on your revisions. Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion. |
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The Napkin Writer Member
since 2002-06-28
Posts 70 |
Sorry, but you can't rewrite the truth of a persons' history! You can only give it a new meaning..... With that being said, man, am I glad you didn't see the original draft! Structures and stanzas are some things I have yet to learn..... I guess I'm loving, "feeling it," too much right now! But when I do! Originally Yours, |
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