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Rosa Multiflora
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Rosa Multiflora |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
Rosa Multiflora by Kirk T Walker Everyday my trailside grows thicker with multiflora rose, a rambling thorny underbrush, and when the petals come to blush as summer’s breezes come to woo fragile petals appear to view, and reaching out her viney arm to caress my skin, soft and warm, she’ll prick me with a summer’s kiss, which conveying a loneliness, stings me gently as I retreat leaving her alone in the heat. |
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| © Copyright 2002 Kirk T Walker - All Rights Reserved | |||
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I like the style in which you've written this. Personally, I feel that the use of a flower as symbolism for a woman is cliche, but you've done it more justice here than many others I've read. The mian thing I think you could work on here is punctuation... this doesn't read smoothly at all, or even with intentional choppiness, it reads as a run-on sentence... I feel like I'm rushing to finish it. Slow it down... 'Everyday my trailside grows thicker with multiflora rose, a rambling thorny underbrush,' end of one thought. period. Or, to make things more interesting with the rhyming format, why not try stanza breaks or something if you don't want to use periods? 'and when the petals come to blush as summer’s breezes come to woo fragile petals appear to view,' Another self-contained thought... connected to the previous one, and also to the subsequent one. 'and reaching out her viney arm to caress my skin, soft and warm, she’ll prick me with a summer’s kiss, which conveying a loneliness, stings me gently as I retreat leaving her alone in the heat.' This all could work together as one thought... I would put a comma after 'which' in line 4 of this segment... also, take a look at 'she’ll prick me' and 'as I retreat.' You should pick one tense, for clarity... you can't have one event set in the future, and one taking place later in the poem at present time... chronologically, it doesn't work. Hope I've helped. Love is a ghost train rumblin' through the darkness... |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Well, I like the metaphor. I think more important initially than the punctuation is the overall flow. This seems to be metered but some lines just don't flow smoothly. I would suggest either rearranging so as to achieve a consistent meter or to eliminate the feeling that it is intended to be a metered poem. JMHO, Pete |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
I agree that flower as woman is somewhat cliche--but if everyone else gets to write one, why can't I, right? Seriously, though, the punctuation was a concern and I will probably drop it entirely and use your suggested stanza breaks. Also I know some problems with the meter from line to line exist. In general I don't pay a lot of attention to meter except for how it sounds, but this one has a few shifts that seem unnatural. Anyway, I'll keep working on it and thank you both very, very much for you comments. |
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