»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #2
»
ain't waitin'
| Critical Analysis #2 |
|
ain't waitin' |
|
|
phoenix95gsx New Member
since 2002-06-04
Posts 6 |
...and then there was one left standing to rise from the soot, dust off the ashes and start anew. a new beginning born of fiery destruction and the beauty of anihillation to rebuild... no, no, no. not rebuild. it didn't work the first time, it won't work on the second go if it's all the same. and it will be. [edited by moderator] your starting over, i'm moving on, no offense, love. i'll be here for you, but i refuse to bare myself to you again when I already see where it'll end up. sorry. should the day come when you can shrug off the weight you think you're stuck with, maybe you can find me around. for now, my parts are whole and mine, but they've only got enough juice for one more go around. will it be you? though i doubt, i can hope, but i ain't waitin'. see you around. [This message has been edited by Not A Poet (06-05-2002 04:53 PM).] |
||
| © Copyright 2002 Benjamin Grimm - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Opeth Senior Member
since 2001-12-13
Posts 1543The Ravines |
...and then there was one left standing to rise from the soot, dust off the ashes and start anew. a new beginning born of fiery destruction and the beauty of anihillation to rebuild... no, no, no. ~ Not a good start when using elipsis points to start a poem, plus the lack of any capitalization marks with run-on sentences is a bad sign, indeed. not rebuild. it didn't work the first time, it won't work on the second go if it's all the same. and it will be. **** your starting over, i'm moving on, no offense, love. i'll be here for you, but i refuse to bare myself to you again when I already see where it'll end up. sorry. ~ Incomplete and run-on sentences again should the day come when you can shrug off the weight you think you're stuck with, maybe you can find me around. for now, my parts are whole and mine, but they've only got enough juice for one more go around. will it be you? though i doubt, i can hope, but i ain't waitin'. see you around. ~ How is the reader supposed to know what you are talking about? Example, what do you mean by "shrug off the weight?" This needs much work. |
||
|
silent whispers Junior Member
since 2001-07-07
Posts 40Alaska |
...and then there was one left standing to rise from the soot, dust off the ashes and start anew. a new beginning born of fiery destruction and the beauty of anihillation to rebuild... no, no, no. This first stanza doesn't seem to fit with the rest of them poem and opens up too many questions that are never answered. not rebuild. it didn't work the first time, it won't work on the second go if it's all the same. If whats the same? the reader needs more information.and it will be. **** your starting over, i'm moving on, no offense, love. i'll be here for you, but i refuse to bare myself to you again when I already see where it'll end up. sorry. should the day come when you can shrug off the weight What weight?you think you're stuck with, maybe you can find me around. for now, my parts are whole and mine, but they've only got enough juice for one more go around. will it be you? though i doubt, i can hope, but i ain't waitin'. see you around. I agree with Opeth on this one. Bad idea to sart with elipses, I feel as if I'm only being allowed to see the end of the poem and not its entirety. I also agree that with this format you should be pating attention o incomplete and run on sentances. Its a poets right to abuse those for effect, but it only works with certain types of Open Verse structures and only if its being used to enhance the poem. As it stands i doesn't fit either, it actually hurts the strength of the poem. Try working on the grammer and wording and maybe the emotions will become stronger. Why is it that in silence the mind screams? |
||
|
phoenix95gsx New Member
since 2002-06-04
Posts 6 |
beautiful, both of you. while expecting the average "good or bad poem" remark, i'd hoped for a more elaborate run through, which I got. this was the first thing i was able to write after a two year hiatus, and i'm still trying to get back into writing. i thank the both of you for your wonderful remarks, and look forward to more in the future. |
||
|
SiO2 Junior Member
since 2002-06-05
Posts 24New Zealand |
I agree with the remarks above, and I think they have covered the writing well. Personally I felt there was an over all need to focus on what you were trying to say. There are good images but take us to no conclusion, and seem to be at odds with each other.Do you want to try again or not? It’s good to know you are writing again thought, that has to be good! |
||
|
Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Let's reverse this for a moment: Why should I like this? |
||
|
hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I definitely think this needs more specifics. All these abstractions lead to a general disinterest on the part of the reader- I have no idea what you're talking about. Hope I've helped. "deeper is life than lose: higher than have |
||
|
epoet Member
since 2000-05-11
Posts 291grand rapid,MI, usa |
I'm confused, what was the point of this poem? The run on sentences kind of killed it along with very vague statements with no follow up on imagery or feeling. Give it another go and see what comes of it. P. J. Kotrch |
||
|
Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
Since when did run-on sentences become against The Rules, or beginning with "..." or anything else for that matter? The problem that sticks out to me in this work is that it is the same thing I have heard over and over again (broken heart-pondering second chance). I enjoyed the string-along style of the work and did not mind the ambiguity. Rather, I took issue with the tired imagery and phrasings like rising from the ashes and shrugging off the weight. For this poem to be more effective I think it needs to attack with an original arsenal. Good luck on your revisions. Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion. |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
