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Critical Analysis #2
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Inhaling Aggression
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Inhaling Aggression |
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Tanzanite Junior Member
since 2002-05-30
Posts 11 |
If I could pray I might, for a ray of light, to increase the peace, through the day and night.To bring fourth a resolution,to clear hatred and mind pollution.I would be givin back to the world, my contribution. Im constantly finding myself running outta control. As hate works overtime chasing my soul. With my eyes shut afraid to see, into the hearts of the narrow minded constantly stalking me. In my dreams I shout and scream. Watching hatred reigns supreme, and overthrow self-esteems with incentive schemes. Within the tunnels of my brain I feel contained frustrations multiply. As I sit helplessly like hunged clothes to be dried.Constantly running, running against them, running againt time. Keep on slippin everytime I try ta climb. Why cant these brutal thoughts just disappear? hangin on my shoulders makin life so severe. I wanna be sincere, but the world is chasin me for reasons unclear. So I rest my mind up here, in a different atmosphere. Let me take a damn breath without hesitation. Live my daily life with no agrivation. We all hold our own fate, in one way or another we all have lifestyles that relate. But, why do I feel as though the future of mankind is oh so late? We need to conjugate, to conversate, and educate about helpin yourself keep a positive mind state. Because I guarantee you that my soul will not be amongst those on destinys race track. Fated to fail in my lifetime just because Im black. Or because I stopped to look back. Iive watched many hopes and dreams dissolve infront of me. Tripped over mistakes that I shouldnt of accidently. Shallow minded people always drown in false impressions, trying to fight for air, while inhaling aggression. By Tanzanite Samson |
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| © Copyright 2002 Tanzanite - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hello Tanzanite, Welcome aboard. It's always great to hear a new voice. I'm sure you will enjoy the company here. As for the poem. The format is a little undaunting. IMHO, it would work much better with line breaks. That's really the only suggestion I have right now but to me it is important. Check your email too. Thanks, Pete |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Instead of telling us this, why not show us the individual scenes, the little things that make you angry. It's more powerful that way. |
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epoet Member
since 2000-05-11
Posts 291grand rapid,MI, usa |
I agree with both brad and pete. describe what really angers you and try to give it some kind of format. Running it all together makes an awfully hard read and you get a better feeling with line breaks. P. J. Kotrch |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Pete, are you sure undaunting is the word you meant? LOL... I can deal with the format- one of my favorite poems is 'Indictment' by Nicole Blackman... (she turned it into an industrial song with the group KMFDM). Anyway, it's even more daunting that this- in addition to no line breaks, there is no punctuation, and it's about 3 pages long. Tanzanite- in this poem, I feel like maybe you could make it more interesting with more descriptions... for example, what exactly is a shallow-mided person? Personall,y I feel that the label is a little too absolute and biased, but think of the interesting metaphors and ideas you could get from that set of words... just use your imagination to build on popular insults, it could be really interesting. Hope I've helped, and welcome to the forum. "deeper is life than lose: higher than have |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Oops, you got me there, Hush. I can't even find that it is a valid word. Maybe I should have used disconcerting instead. Thanks for the language lesson. ~~red faced~~ Pete |
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