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Critical Analysis #2
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Jeen
Member
since 2000-06-07
Posts 91


0 posted 2002-04-28 04:28 PM


It is a blood sucking tick
sesame seed sized
secretly burrowed deep
under skin until
viced jaws release disease
and it drops contentedly to the ground
abdomen bloated
host in pain
with no understanding of why


It is more intimate
than a lover or even
a best girlfriend
knowing always the hidden
it squeezes joy from the spirit
fronting as anxiety
or stress or fear
causes me to forget
it breathes on its own


I see it as a black dog
waiting in the corner
snapping at my life
as soon as I stir
I beat it with prozac
shove valium down its steamy muzzle
but still it laps at my face
as I fall into slumber
and when I awaken in the morning
thinking it is gone
I find it sitting on my pink fluffy slippers

Jeen


[This message has been edited by Jeen (04-29-2002 07:45 PM).]

© Copyright 2002 Jeen - All Rights Reserved
Pearls_Of_Wisdom
Member
since 2000-09-02
Posts 175

1 posted 2002-04-28 09:39 PM


Hi Jeen,

I like this and think it's very interesting.  The first stanza really pulled me in.  Really powerful, quick images.  I've never heard of a tick as a metaphor for anxiety, and I think that's original and works quite well.  I'm also a big fan of "knowing always the hidden".  Neat.

In terms of pointers, I think you might look at consistency.  As the poem progresses, "I' shows up, when the first stanza is almost detached and doesn't mention an "I".  Also, the lines get longer, and one thought continues for more than one line.  Might it be stronger if you wrote it almost as if giving advice, i.e. "beat it with prozac", taking out the "I"s?  This way you could emphasize how the solution is really no solution at all.  Also, the images themselves provoked powerful emotional reactions in me, more than hearing the speaker's thoughts did.  Can you give us more of this and less of the other?

I don't think you need "I see it as" in the last stanza.  How about just "a black dog..."? Also, I'm not sure about "laping my face".  Do you want us to see the "dog" as friendly?  Lastly, the pink slippers in the end seemed out of place, almost humourous, which I'm sure you don't want.

I do think you have something here, though, and I hope I've gotten that across, despite my suggestions.  Thanks for the read.  I hope you'll post any revisions.

Ashley

Jeen
Member
since 2000-06-07
Posts 91

2 posted 2002-04-29 01:48 PM


Ashley

Thanks for the critique.

I will use some of your suggestions in my rewrite.

This was just a first draft.

Jeen

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