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Without Her Here
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Without Her Here |
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Pearls_Of_Wisdom Member
since 2000-09-02
Posts 175 |
Day after day, day after day We stuck, nor breath nor motion As idle as a painted ship Upon a painted ocean Samuel Taylor Coleridge Without her here, It becomes clear how much we need her, As a center Holding all disparate parts together, Making sense. Now ragged nerves split and fray We dispense with any attempt At conversation. In this listless state we stay, Day after day, day after day. Belief that seemed solid Runs through our fingers. Mist of unfairness Seeps grey through the house, Collecting in uncleaned crevices. Joy dissolved in slow erosion By tears On midnight pillows. Forgetting the direction to salvation, We stuck, nor breath nor motion, Nor hurting any less Because we hold still and wait. Transmitting news to Yet another Concerned caller, Repeating it, Stripped of feeling Not to appear unaffected, But adrift, As idle as a painted ship In someone's Tableau of grief. Doing nothing But listing things to do And appearing to be managing. Indignant at intrusion Into well-worn routine. Not paddling. Waiting for conclusion Upon a painted ocean. [This message has been edited by Not A Poet (04-24-2002 11:15 AM).] |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I like this... the tone works well for the subject matter... I have one question though... is "nor breath nor motion" grammatically correct? I have always seen a "neither" before any "nor"s. Hope I've helped. "Love is a piano |
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Pearls_Of_Wisdom Member
since 2000-09-02
Posts 175 |
hush, Thanks for responding. It's always so stressful waiting to see how my work will be received!!! I'm glad you liked it. Anyhow, I guess maybe in older English it was accepable. Or it could be still okay today for all I know. The lines I quoted are pretty old. By the way, those four lines are actually supposed to be in italics (in the first part and when they show up in the poem), but I didn't know how to make them italicized. You wouldn't happen to know, would you? Thanks again for reading, Ashley |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Click the UBB code quick view window open... it'll tell you... but just quickly I'll tell you that the letter i in brackets will initiate italicized text, and then /i in brackets will discontinue it. Personally, I think it's better without italics, but it's your choice... "Love is a piano |
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Pearls_Of_Wisdom Member
since 2000-09-02
Posts 175 |
hush, The what window? I'm a bit computer illitertate! =) It's not really my choice to put italics, you're just supposed to in this form of poem (a glosa), I guess to emphasize that those parts aren't your words. It does look kind of interesting too. Ashley |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Ashley, It's good to see you back. What Hush is saying is this. Where you want to start italics, put [ i ] in front then put [ /i ] where you want it to end. You have to leave out all the spaces inside the brackets though. I hope this makes sense. It's too late for you to edit the poem now though but I think it will let me do it for you. Let me know if you want me to try. Pete |
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Pearls_Of_Wisdom Member
since 2000-09-02
Posts 175 |
Sure, Pete, that would be great if you don't mind. All four lines and Coleridge's name should be in italics, plus the last lines of every stanza (which are the same four Coleridge ones again). And if you have a minute to read the poem, it would to great to know what you think of it. I wrote it for my creative writing class, but I wanted to know what you guys here thought of it too. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Ok, done. I think that is what you wanted. If you didn't understand my attempt at an explanation, you can click the Edit icon and see the UBB codes I inserted. I'll try to get back to the poem later. It deserves more study than I can devote right now. My first impression is that you did a really good job of flowing logically into the Coleridge lines, including "We stuck." The "nor breath nor motion", however, just doesn't seem to fit. But I would make the same comment about his original. Maybe I just don't understand the intent there. Pete |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
hi ashley-- i really liked this piece, it has a nice, subtle tension regarding a family's reaction to illness/death (as i see it, a mother's final illness), and a sense of longing and loss that is quite well done. the last two sections were very good, i thought; they are a little more concrete, grounded in specifics. i also really liked the lines "Nor hurting any less / Because we hold still and wait." the first two sections, especially the second, are perhaps a little too vague and abstract to have much impact, in my opinion (the "Mist of unfairness" and the "direction to salvation" are the chief culprits there). also, in the first section, i thought that the ragged nerves, split and frayed (implying some agitation), were somewhat at odds with being in a "listless" state. i liked the use of the "ancient mariner" lines, i think they worked well with your theme. the soul that "made the breeze to blow" has gone, and the family, like the mariner and his crew, waits, suspended in this strange and unhappy calm just after the event. very nice work here! thanks for sharing it with us. it's good to see you posting here again. jenni |
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Englishpoet Member
since 2001-12-18
Posts 54Birmingham, England |
Hi I can feel that this piece of poetry would feel calm and soothing to read after a bereavement of someone close. I think you have captured the atmosphere. Well done. Asif The heights by great men reached and kept |
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Pearls_Of_Wisdom Member
since 2000-09-02
Posts 175 |
jenni, Hi. Thanks for reading and responding. Critiques are such funny things. You liked the second stanza the least, while my creative writing class (and I) liked it the best! I see what you mean about it being abstract versus concrete, but for me it really captured the emotion, something which, I find, is rarely specific or concrete. Plus, I think including both the ambiguous and the literal reaches more readers than one or the other, as the varied responses to this show. As for the "ragged nerves" contrasting the listlessness, I can understand that, too, but I also think that listlessness is often a covering over deep pain, and that sometimes what's really beneath the covering does show through as anger or whatever. I think, again, to give a complete picture, I need to mention both emotional outbursts and apparent numbness. I suppose, if I find a way, I could mention these outbursts at another point, in order for them not to seem inconsistent. Thank you, though, for taking the time for an in-depth critique. Those are hard to come by sometimes! Asif, Thanks for replying too. I'm glad you liked it, although I didn't intend it to be calm and soothing at all! I was trying to mirror what the family would be feeling right in the middle of the crisis, so I guess the emotion I was going for in the reader was sadness, and recognition. I guess everyone has his or her different reactions, though, and that's okay. Ashley |
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blakloks Member
since 2002-06-01
Posts 60 |
i love the use of the four lines at the end of each stanza. it gives the poem this mysterious, haunting feeling which is just right for this kind of poem. the words of your poem are also very well placed and phrased. i really enjoyed this poem. although, this seemed a little bit weird "Joy dissolved in slow erosion By tears" shldnt all joy have been wiped out at once? mebbe itz just me, but cld u explain? thanx!  |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Instead of telling us how you felt, describe the scene. |
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wranx Member Elite
since 2002-06-07
Posts 3689Moved from a shack to a barn |
Heartfelt, imaginative and creative ~wranx |
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