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Critical Analysis #2
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The Exile
Member
since 2001-07-14
Posts 52
Ontario, Canada

0 posted 2002-04-03 02:45 AM



Rain, drops down thoroughly from sky.

Like tears of Venus, slides,
Across the thin layer of air that separates
Heaven and earth,
Before it finally places a sweet kiss
On a dry, hoping land¡­

Air seemed thick, static,
And sky gloomy, unfamiliarly dim.
Where was I again?

Dreams¡­ who are we?
Why are we here?

I looked out of the window,
They said the weather would be bad on the weekend.
I am afraid,

Why? What is that that you fear?

Is it an unfulfilled promise?
Or yet another,
Unreal image of her shining,
In front of your eyes from across the,

Void.
What do you fear?

You know it¡¯s been years,
And they said that time washes out everything.
But in the bloody spiral of time,
Did you miss me while you were struggling down there,
For your own existence?


Why did you leave?

Was I not good enough for you?
Don¡¯t stare at me like that,
Oh please, don¡¯t stare at me, your eyes.
They enflame me like the summer¡¯s sun.

Flamenco.
What is that rhythm?

That which you used to play so passionately,
Alone, or with me¡­
Your fingers would sweep,
Across the silver string that shine.
And lit up the night.

Why did you play like that?

Was it a lie?
Because you know as well deep inside,
You were still afraid just like the rest of us.
So I took your hand,
And crossed your fingers into mine.
You seemed a little surprised,
Looked at me and said:
Don¡¯t leave me like they did please.

Don¡¯t dump me.

Inside I felt, something breaks.

They all left, you said.
I tried to be good,
And then I tried to be better.
They left me.
The music died before your fingers,
Slowly slipped from my holding hand.
Were you afraid they would leave you?
I didn¡¯t know¡­

Was that it?

Was that why you play all the songs you play?
Smile, and talk to girls the way you do?
Wear nice jacket and jeans,
And put gel on your hair?
Was that it?
I don¡¯t know¡­ stop, please.
I don¡¯t know you anymore, I said.

Why are you here?
Why AM I here?

I am afraid, and engraved,
About you, no more¡­ you.
You like to feel important,
Don¡¯t you?
Maybe that¡¯s your real reason to be there,
And maybe that¡¯s why you played the way you did.

Why did you run away?

I can¡¯t do this anymore.
I am ¡­ weak.
Can an empty bottle hold a million pieces,
Of a broken heart?
The light fainted.
Your image, shattered and falling from the sky,
Like a million drops of that sweet November rain.
I looked out of the window, again.

I am here.
And dreams are always where we are,


Then it¡¯s okay.

I am here and,
I am¡­ me.

© Copyright 2002 Alex D. Ni - All Rights Reserved
Severn
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704

1 posted 2002-04-07 07:55 AM


I'm interested in this piece...but firstly, before I say anything, could you tell me your intent with the punctuation?

Why - 'Then it¡¯s okay' instead of 'Then it's okay' etc..???

Frankly, it's distracting...although that might sound like I'm being rigid...

K


NapalmsConstantlyConfused
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Senior Member
since 2001-05-15
Posts 529

2 posted 2002-04-09 04:35 AM


actually i've seen that particular punctuation "artifact" before - i believe it's due to copying and pasting formatted text from another program, specifically not MS based, or using a non-english character set... this is only a theory but i'm fairly sure that's what causes that, i have seen this in the poetry of several different people.

other than that, this poem is pretty solid - good imagery, and the broken rhythm works well with the message... i like this, but i AM curious...

what word-processor are you using?

-Dave

The Exile
Member
since 2001-07-14
Posts 52
Ontario, Canada
3 posted 2002-04-13 10:51 PM


Hi,

Sorry for the delay of this reply, haven't been here for a while - damn final exams.
But anyhow the problem was due to the copying-pasting process from MSWord2000 (i originally wrote it with Word) altho i am still not quite sure at this point why it turned out like that. When i posted on the blank area it seemed just fine. I will try to get it fixed asap. Thanks for being interested! Also this is my first experiement with a much freer style, if you can share your advises and experiences with me i would appreciate it very much!

Cheerz,
Alex
^_^

Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
4 posted 2002-04-14 02:14 PM


Alex,

Here is what I do instead of copy and paste from Word. Copy and paste from Word into Notepad. That fixes all or nearly all of those problems. Then copy and paste from  Notepad into the forum edit window. No need to even save the Notepad version, unless you just want to.

Pete

Never express yourself more clearly than you can think - Niels Bohr

hush
Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653
Ohio, USA
5 posted 2002-04-19 12:45 PM


I think you have a pretty strong start here... the beginning imagery is pretty good (although I'd recommend working on the simile "Like tears of Venus" some... I don't quit know what tears of Venus are like...) but after the fourth stanza you don't really seem to do much with the imagery. It just seems to dissolve into a disjointed question-and-answer back-and-forth style that doesn't do a whole lot poetically. Some of your wording and tense switching is pretty neat, but overall, I think you could tighten up the second part and add some imagery or something to it.

Hope i've helped.

"Love is a piano
dropped from a four story window
and you were in the wrong place
at the wrong time." -Ani DiFranco

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