»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #2
»
return (free verse)
| Critical Analysis #2 |
|
return (free verse) |
|
|
wornways Member
since 2001-10-18
Posts 204CA, USA |
return foliage rises up the mountains clouds amass upon the eastern ridges i am home, finally i am home my feet grew sore in the desert my back stiff on the plains like gusts of wind, i could not rest rivers wandered their courses stars glittered from the abyss starved and alone, i followed them one day i crested a ridge and cradled in a valley a hamlet lost to the world i did not recall seeing this place before but what my eyes never saw my heart never forgot in the world i am tossed relentless storms pass to leave me in ruin, but here am i a cypress firmly rooted [This message has been edited by wornways (03-28-2002 06:11 PM).] |
||
| © Copyright 2002 Erin A. Thomas - All Rights Reserved | |||
Interloper
since 2000-11-06
Posts 8369Deep in the heart |
I don't know if there is a spelling problem or if there is something symbolic with "soar" feet. Further, you can only be left in ruin not "ruins." I liked your word play and yet I wonder how you could possibly recall seeing a "hamlet lost to the world." Nonetheless, I think you have a fabulous foundation for an extraordinary piece  |
||
|
wornways Member
since 2001-10-18
Posts 204CA, USA |
interloper: ah! brilliant! thank you. as for "hamlet lost to the world", i was using "the world" in the sense of "ways of the world" rather than "knowledge of". i take it this did not come across? i wonder if there is a way to make it clearer without adding more words... any further thoughts will be most enjoyed. [This message has been edited by wornways (03-28-2002 06:14 PM).] |
||
|
Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Unfortunately, I don't think you'll ever get 'lost to the world' across in the way you want, considering it's already an established phrase. If you do want to get the inference of 'ways of the world' over, then you're going to have to state it I think. Interloper, I completely disagree with you about this statement: quote: Here are some examples: The church was left in ruins. The ruins of the statue. The ruins of the war. the plague left the city in ruins. Not ruin. These are all singular examples. So, Wornways - it's grammatically acceptable to write 'storms pass to leave me in ruins' and in fact I think it sounds better. One more thing about the 'lost to the world..' I don't like the following line: 'I did not recall seeing this place before' - not only does it confirm the established notion of 'lost to the world' but it's stiff...it needs to be relaxed a lot.. Nice read...  K[This message has been edited by Severn (03-28-2002 09:45 PM).] |
||
|
wornways Member
since 2001-10-18
Posts 204CA, USA |
severn: you have me pondering ways to improve those two lines. when i do, i'll update this poem. as for "ruin" vs "ruins", i've decided on "ruin" for now. though, i most appreciate your examples of "ruins", i could indeed use it either way. thanks many times for your critique. |
||
|
NapalmsConstantlyConfused
since 2001-05-15
Posts 529 |
i feel obligated to point out what, exactly, is the grammatical and symbolic difference between "ruin" and "ruins" as used here. "ruin" in this context, "left me in ruin" means you are left beaten, battered, marred, and otherwise permanently scuffed up, but still fundamentally in one piece. "ruins" as in "left me in ruins" implies having been broken into separate pieces, and no longer being one whole, discrete thing. hope that helps.  -Dave |
||
|
Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
This is poetry though...why should ruin mean one thing, and ruins mean only another? To me, that's incredibly limiting, and defies the point of poetry... K[This message has been edited by Severn (03-29-2002 08:25 PM).] |
||
|
Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Haven't had much time to look into this but for the moment, Severn seems to be correct. It's the preposition that's the problem here. We do say, "It's in ruins" but we also say "It's a ruin." I think that makes Dave's point a bit clearer. As long as you keep the preposition, it's hard to see what you mean. Of course, you could say, "It's in a state of ruin." Given that it means destruction, we can also say, "It's in a state of destruction." But do you really want to go that abstract? Are you sure you're not confusing the verb with the noun? But I could be wrong. |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
