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Masked Intruder

Moderator

Senior Member

since 1999-05-23

Posts 1231
Near golden sunsets

0 posted 2002-03-27 03:07 AM

Five minutes gone and four to come,
I’ve felt no better than that second in between
When the window was neither open nor shut,
Just simply there.

I’ve honed the calm urge of suppression sliding
Between my ribs and through my heart,
Tearing softly at tissues and skin,
Uncaringly directed in an ambiguous motive.

I can’t float any longer.
I can’t simply slip away.
You won’t find my laughter.
You won’t love my way.

Seek my pleasure though your veins;
Open me up and spill my rage in current scarlet.
Feast on your shuddering, feed on your revulsion.
Turn me away.

You can't wake a person who is pretending to be asleep. -- Navajo Proverb

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

1 posted 2002-03-27 01:48 PM

This is really interesting. Your phrasing (especially the opening line) is unique enough to pull me in... however, I really couldn't get a grasp on exactly who was the speaker, and who the speaker was addressing? The last stanza has some definite drug imagery- was the drug talking? The drug dealer? Was it the drug addict? Was it something else completely?

To me, it almost seems that the first three stanzas are the drug addict- the third stanza has the speaker seemingly finding the need for action, speaking with a great deal of resolve... suicide? In the last stanza it almost seems as though the drug has overtaking the speaker/addict and is speaking for itself... but really, this is just me going out on a limb. I could be completely wrong... if I am maybe that means you should put a few more details in to lead the reader more in the right direction.

Hope I've helped.

"Love is a piano
dropped from a four story window
and you were in the wrong place
at the wrong time." -Ani DiFranco

Pearls_Of_Wisdom
Member

since 2000-09-02

Posts 175

2 posted 2002-04-21 04:45 PM

Masked Intruder,

This has some sort of power or energy to it. There's something here. But, I agree, you need to tell us more. I think the second stanza is the most vague. I got really lost there, although the other stanzas were more impactful. I'm interested. I want to hear more. Maybe this needs to be longer? I have this problem too: it makes sense to me, and I don't know if I want to "give it away", but I don't think the power here will be lost if you give us some more hints. On the contrary, if you let us in more, we will be all the more affected by your poem. Please post any revisions you come up with.

Ashley

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