(a re write) Candle wax liquor

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brian madden
Member Elite

since 2000-05-06

Posts 4374
ireland

0 posted 2002-03-24 07:14 AM

THis is a poem I posted in open months ago when I was still a regular here and before college became hectic, anyway I had a chance to play around with it yesterday. I have not written a poem in months and was hoping to get some advice on this. Be as critical as you need to be. Thanks in advance.

===============================
Candle wax liquor (REWRITTEN VERSION)

You got me up all night.
Deep set to tranquil blues
stirring to the violent sway
of our kiss, linger lips
part your veil
(of satin and abrasion )
aflame in violet starred moonlight.
From the bottle's mouth
we drink each other up,
teetering tears of candle wax and Vaseline.

You got here tonight.
Halcyon heartbeats
set flight
to the murmurs
of a silent whisper;
its promise binding
recluse misery,
makes us soar
(a flame a tempest storm)
in the effervescence of you.

-----------------------------

Candle wax liquor (ORGINAL)

You got me up all night
deep set, some
tranquil blues
aflame on your veil
You part
beneath violet starlight,
a violent sway
of our kiss. Lips
linger from my face
to the bottles edge
teetering its tears;
speed in liquor.
Candle wax on Vaseline,
melting in the effervescence of you.

In our mouths
we drink it up,
golden to electric light,
burning a bridge,
in the archways and aisles
of candle wax,
We connect.
Recluse misery
shared by two
gives incomparable joy
melting in the effervescence of you.

Echoing through
our hallways
A poem unravels,
the murmurs of summer
are damp upon its vowels.
We catch them in our mouths,
These halcyon heartbeats
rising from your breast,
warm upon the morning air,
my skin soars
on a silent whisper
melting in the effervescence of you.

[This message has been edited by brian madden (03-24-2002 07:19 AM).]

Janet Marie
Member Laureate

since 2000-01-22

Posts 18554

1 posted 2002-03-24 09:19 PM

Hey Bri-babes...good to see you here...been waay too long..
My most honest reaction to the rewrite is...I think you took too much out of it...I like the longer, first version better...I liked the imagery and metaphors in that...the ethereal feeling of the poem with the abstract edge to it...and I really liked this part:

"A poem unravels,
the murmurs of summer
are damp upon its vowels.
We catch them in our mouths,
These halcyon heartbeats
rising from your breast,
warm upon the morning air,
my skin soars
on a silent whisper
melting in the effervescence of you."

the poetic references are cool...
I think you could take the best of both poems, but leave a few more of those cool phrases and images in, but I dont think you needed the repetative line..it made a perfect closing last line as you did in the rewrite(leave in "melting") it ties in perfect with the title and metaphor theme.

I dont get this line's intend:

"You got here tonight."

it didnt work for me...like the opening line did.

Overall I think the first version flowed better...just needed some of it tweeked out...
the second verse especially.
In the rewrite...I liked the line added:

"(of satin and abrasion)". very cool

I know less is more..but you know me ...
more is more. LOL
Thats my humble mothy thoughts.

Keep that muse in tune...when you get out for this summer...Im gonna need my moody muse kick started

later-Imissyou-gator
eve *L*

Of all the things in me I could never be,
of the true I kept hidden from view,
the best parts of my heart ...
were the ones touched by you.

jm

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

2 posted 2002-03-24 10:46 PM

I really like the original better. As was already said, the rewrite cut too much out... but on the other hand, to me, seemed almost too verbose. The original is longer, but everything has impact, is pertinent, and beautiful... I really like it. One thing, I would get rid of the line 'of candle wax,' in the second stanza of the orginal, it's reptitive and unnecessary. Other than that, I'm definitely giving my vote to the orignal.

Hope I've helped.

"Love is a piano
dropped from a four story window
and you were in the wrong place
at the wrong time." -Ani DiFranco

brian madden
Member Elite

since 2000-05-06

Posts 4374
ireland

3 posted 2002-03-30 05:24 PM

Jan, as always thanks for your honesty. I have been re reading my old poems and have the feeling that they could be tighter, sharper I feel some of the cool images were there without any great relevance to the poem, as you said combining the best of both poems is probably the best solution.

Hush, thanks your comments made me smile. I find it very hard to write about beautiful things, I am not really comfortable writing about them feeling that every image is a cliche. Anything with a dark undertone and I have little problem, so your comments really mean a lot. Thanks.

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