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Moebius
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Moebius |
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Victor_K Junior Member
since 2002-02-02
Posts 12Selangor, Malaysia |
Past the winter, The trees grow; The waters flow. Out of eggs, Chirping newborn hatch. Out of holes, Little friends awake, Happily playing catch. On a leaf, Damp winged beauty, Vivid rainbow deity, Spreads wings to dry, Soon it shall fly. A mute statue, Gazing at rebirth With graystone expression. Inside, Echoes rebound. <=as to the title, moebius syndrome is a condition where the patient can't facially express him/herself because his/her facial muscles are paralysed, making their faces all but passive, forever. <=Friends tell me more emphasis and elaboration should be placed on the subject, but what do you people think? Is the first stanza projecting a contrast with the second like I hoped? Thanks for reading. A little something from me... |
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| © Copyright 2002 Victor Koh - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
i have to agree with your friends.  there is the potential to express the subject and achieve the impact i felt you were going for at the end. the setup was fairly well done: emotive. the last stanza however, in my op, failed to reflect the fullness of the subject. without your explanation, i don't think i would have gotten anymore than a sense that i'd missed something important. Christopher |
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Victor_K Junior Member
since 2002-02-02
Posts 12Selangor, Malaysia |
Thanks, hope to revise soon. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I found this choppy, try to smooth out the syntax a bit. I like the idea but you can tap into it a lot more. |
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