Phoenix - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

lone_poet707
Member

since 2001-11-17

Posts 70
black hole named Aylmer

0 posted 2002-03-11 10:45 AM

Shunned and counted last,
I stand alone again.
Rigid with their curses cast,
I cannot bear the pain.

But, I will not give in,
my inner strength will never fade.
I won't allow them to win,
of their malevolence i'll never be afraid.

I know they can't stop me,
nor will they drag me down.
Despite the depth of this murky sea,
I refuse to sink and drown.

I will ultimately rise,
a flaming phoenix in the night.
Gaze deeply into my shining eyes,
see the fire burning bright.

Kielo
Senior Member

since 2002-02-11

Posts 1109

1 posted 2002-03-12 09:27 PM

I like it! I thought it was well written. I think the first rhyme in the first verse didn't work for me, but it could just be my Canadian accent... lol. Very nice poem.

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

2 posted 2002-03-12 11:14 PM

The rhyme really seems to control this, especially with "of their malevolence I'll never be afraid." It's just too uncomfartable... people don't talk that way, and while I understand that poetry doesn't always imitate speech patterns, to work for me, it needs to either a) work with them... what I mean is, read in a way that doesn't contradict normal speech patterns or b) contradict normal speech patterns for an obvious purpose (think E.E. Cummings.)

I also think narrative poems like this usually need some character development. Who are "they?" Why are they shunning the narrator? The reader needs information to hold on to, something that makes this more that a what-if situation that can happen to anybody.

Hope I've helped.

"Love is a piano
dropped from a four story window
and you were in the wrong place
at the wrong time." -Ani DiFranco

Victor_K
Junior Member

since 2002-02-02

Posts 12
Selangor, Malaysia

3 posted 2002-03-14 07:31 AM

Hello,
'of their malevolence I'll never be afraid' is something of a problem. Maybe shorten it to fit the other line?

A little something from me...

sunbunbun
Junior Member

since 2002-02-07

Posts 21
Durham, NC

4 posted 2002-03-15 03:48 PM

I have to agree with shortening that line as Victor suggested. I really enjoyed this poem, I felt it.

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.