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sunbunbun
Junior Member

since 2002-02-07

Posts 21
Durham, NC

0 posted 2002-03-08 12:36 PM

Inspire me,
Excite me,
Intrigue me.

Deep, expressive,
the color like chestnuts,
I look into your eyes.

Full, soft and strong,
with roughness on my skin,
I yearn to feel your mouth.

Showing with your smile,
I gently touch your dimpled cheek
with eager fingers.

Strong body, hard muscles,
soft hands, gentle touch,
pull me closer.

Always an easy smile, playful laugh,
soothing voice, caressing words,
the sparkle in your eyes.

You sparkle!

I’m writing,
I’m feeling,
I want to learn and share.

How lucky I am
to have you come into my life.

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

1 posted 2002-03-10 05:30 PM

I see no tension here. It seems more a snapshot (in which case, I think you should take a photograph, not write a poem

)-- maybe add some kind of self-doubt or something, give us a little more character or something like that.

Brad

lone_poet707
Member

since 2001-11-17

Posts 70
black hole named Aylmer

2 posted 2002-03-11 10:51 AM

I wouldnt have said it as harshly as Brad(:-)sry brad, had to say that) but he is right. This piece doesn't seem to have much emotion in it. However, it is beautifully descriptive piece!
-Joe

Kielo
Senior Member

since 2002-02-11

Posts 1109

3 posted 2002-03-11 11:43 PM

I too would have to agree with Brad, but that could simply be my inclination to darker poetry. Overall though, I enjoyed the poem, which is a good thing for a pleasant poem. So thank you for the great read.

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

4 posted 2002-03-12 11:05 PM

You have this set up in an interesting way that I don't usually like but I think it works here- you introduce the stanzas with description and then add action. It creates a flow somehow approprite for this type of poem.

I guess what I would suggest is somehow getting more specific with your descirptions... I mean, to me, it seems like you are describing a prototype- almost an ideal that any woman would be happy with. Tell us why you, in particular, are happy with him, in particular.

Hope I've helped.

"Love is a piano
dropped from a four story window
and you were in the wrong place
at the wrong time." -Ani DiFranco

punksmurf
Junior Member

since 2002-01-01

Posts 37
new hampshire, U.S.

5 posted 2002-03-14 06:36 PM

i liked it. your ability to show us the person, let us feel the skinn beneath our own fingers, actually i know someone exactly like that and i appreciated the simple rhythmic flow in which you depicted bodies and movement.
~Me

sunbunbun
Junior Member

since 2002-02-07

Posts 21
Durham, NC

6 posted 2002-03-15 09:02 AM

Thanks all for your comments and suggestions. This poem is just something light and airy. Inspired by someone I met who is like a breath of fresh air. Some how he sparked something inside me that has been dormant for quite some time. It's not about self doubt or anything dark, it's just an exclamation of the beauty that he is and that he brings to me. Much thanks for reading and taking time to respond!

SBB

Knowledge empowers,
language a tool,
poetry a vision.

dmd 01/02

Englishpoet
Member

since 2001-12-18

Posts 54
Birmingham, England

7 posted 2002-03-17 09:49 AM

Hi Sunbunbun

As you said, it was written following an inspiration and I can feel and see the person you write about and your feeling. It's a good feeling.

I too don't write poetry in this way - but why not. Let's not be comformists.

Be free and peace to you.

Asif

The heights by great men reached and kept
Were not attained by sudden flight,
But they while their companions slept
Were toiling upward in the nigh

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