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hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

0 posted 2002-03-07 11:56 PM

slashtire eyes
stare/blink and think
the things I cannot say.
the mirror spills my guts,
reflection/inflection
intestinal verbiage
writhing about,
sliming along the linoleum.
there is a meaning
in this mess of words;
there is a girl
in this poet cocktail.
sometimes I think
I can water it down with
the ice of my disdain,
and all that will remain of me
are little inoffensive melt-in-your-mouth slivers,
a wet relief on your tongue;
and sometimes I think I’m wrong.

You never asked for that.
---

title suggestions welcome.

"Love is a piano
dropped from a four story window
and you were in the wrong place
at the wrong time." -Ani DiFranco

sunbunbun
Junior Member

since 2002-02-07

Posts 21
Durham, NC

1 posted 2002-03-08 10:27 AM

Hush,

I really like this. The word play you have in a few of the lines is wonderful. I enjoyed the whole poet cocktail and ice references.

My suggestion for a title would be to go back to the poet cocktail somehow, that's catchy.

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

2 posted 2002-03-08 11:50 AM

Hey Hush,

I see what you are doing with the first few lines but it just doesn't work for me. From "there is a meaning" on, I think I like the sound and feel of it. Good and interesting ideas there. I see that you need some "nonsense" to start out but maybe what is there is my problem. Sorry but I don't really have anything to suggest.

Thanks,
Pete

punksmurf
Junior Member

since 2002-01-01

Posts 37
new hampshire, U.S.

3 posted 2002-03-21 06:54 PM

after reading this a few times, i must say it's immensly enjoyable, the riddling, mindmess at the beginning is fitting of what you are trying to do, by portraying how nonsensical your thoughts are while you try to find the girl, the meaning in this poet cocktail.

"the worst part/ was hitting the ground/ not the feeling/ so much as the sound"
*Barenaked Ladies
'Toniht is the night i fell asleep at the wheel

brian madden
Member Elite

since 2000-05-06

Posts 4374
ireland

4 posted 2002-03-30 05:36 PM

Hi HUsh, interesting one... some cool images

especially like the lines...
"I can water it down with
the ice of my disdain,
and all that will remain of me
are little inoffensive melt-in-your-mouth slivers"

Firstly I think this line is too literal
"there is a meaning
in this mess of words" especially when it is surrounded by crytic images, it seems to to be giving too much away to the reader, I feel the line
"there is a girl
in this poet cocktail" says pretty much the same thing only in a much better way.

my other thoughts on this are just nip picking I guess

"sliming along the linoleum" don't feel that the word "sliming" fits,
I think the impact would be stronger if you combined that line with the one before it
to read
"writhing about the linoleum"

Making it "writhing about" hints at the speaker's confusion or conflict.

"Spills my guts" a bit of a cliche, it works but it seems slighty tame to me. As I said the rest of my thoughts are nip picking.

Other wise, a really enjoyable read. I love the punch of the last line.

A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.oscar wilde

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