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If Death Were A River
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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If Death Were A River |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
If Death Were A River By Kirk T Walker If death were a river, I would hollow out your body and paddle the corpse canoe up and down the banks in search of your soul. I would dip my oar beneath the dark, reflecting surface, stir up the stars on the water-face, pan out the ore that once was love. I would strip my body bare in the moonlight, dive deep and blind into the chasm of water, the abyss of the unknown, full of strange creatures, jagged rocks. I would swim to you. |
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| © Copyright 2002 Kirk T Walker - All Rights Reserved | |||
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
hi kirk-- long time no see. this is a really nice piece, except for "I would hollow out your body / and paddle the corpse canoe"... it's vivid and original, but way too much, and rather too overtly gruesome, not in keeping with the tone of the rest of the piece, in my opinion. "the abyss of the unknown" is perhaps a cliche; i think you might be able to do something better there, anyway. "pan out the ore that once was love" was very, very nice, as was the closing line. very nice images and a wonderful voice overall... good job on this! jenni |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
No, no, that's precisely the image that works for me, Jenni. Gruesome, perhaps, but it draws you in and is no more horrible than, say, Christian cannibalism.  A nice balance between the 'common' approach and attacking things in new ways. thanks, Brad |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hey Kirk, Good to see you back. Nice job here, as usual. I see you already have some comments from the "heavyweights" who don't quite agree. I can see both their points and I think I come down more on Jenni's side. The one "gruesome" line, although a striking image, just seems a little too much in the context of the rest of the poem. Thanks, Pete |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
Thanks you all for your comments. Jenni, I see where you are coming from, but death is "gruesome" and morbid. I wrote this poem after going to a funeral and watching my uncle cling to the body of my dead aunt--I thought, why is he clinging to the body, but then I realized that for him it was the only concrete vehicle he had to reach her again (at least, in this life.) Although I think death is dark in the rest of the poem, perhaps it is not as "gruesome"--if anything, I think I might change the rest of the poem to more closely relate to the lines you commented on. Still, I see your point and greatly appreciate your comments! I was also going for a few symbols of physical love--hence the importance of the corpse itself and the action (as opposed to just thoughts and emotions), but I'm not sure if that comes across strongly enough. Thanks again! |
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Elizabeth Cor Senior Member
since 2000-10-13
Posts 879Over the river and through the woods |
Kirk, Musing on this and that one irksome line... while I agree the image is jolting, I wonder if it is not so much the word 'corpse', or perhaps the phrase 'corpse canoe'... the latter seems too base for the liquid quality of the rest of this poem, almost silly... not just a rock jutting from the surface, but the inch-diameter holes of a massive dam that the reader has to squeeze through... it's not pleasant, and more in the disturbance of flow than simply image(for me, at least). Also, the repetition of 'I would' instead of melodious, becomes monotonous to me... Another redundancy: "I would hollow out your body." (Personally, I love this line... I think with the redesign of 'corpse canoe' -- not just different phrasing, i.e. ‘cadaver canoe’, but in different context i.e., ‘embark the raw insides’ (certainly not suggested phrasing, just an example  ) -- it could be almost fanciful; alone, the ‘hollow’ line reminds me of the care taken in mummification (blinks of Egypt, spices, and the Nile... hmm, perhaps that's your river?), which in a dark respect can be seen as something sensual, loving...)and "I would strip my body bare" ... pet peeve, but perhaps not yours, and so this will be a red flag of sorts if you have that same distaste for duplicate words... As a whole, oooo I like this one... will keep it in my back pocket for future indulgences. Thanks for the chance to shred |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
kirk-- death is certainly, by definition, morbid, and often (but not necessarily) gruesome, but i just wanted to make clear that it's not death, really, or any aspect of it, that i was reacting to. my reaction really comes from the phrase "I would hollow out...." the speaker is/was in love with the deceased, no? while i can see that the deceased's "soul" is what's really important here, i can't imagine anyone actually, literally eviscerating the body of his beloved (or even wanting to) and mutilating her corpse. it just strikes me as something too violent, bloody, messy, and disrespectful for someone who, elsewhere in the poem, feels such a tender longing. hence, the dissonance i noted earlier. just my opinion, of course. the rest of the image -- going boating with the bones -- i don't have any problem with, lol; i was thinking along the same lines as beth, that the poem has a cool egyptian feel to it. no mistake about it, that phrase is a striking, vivid, powerful image; and, like brad says, it's nice to see you attacking things in uncommon ways. jenni p.s. to pete: a "heavyweight"???? are you saying i'm fat????  |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
Elizabeth: Thanks for your thoughtful comments. I think repetition can be a useful tool, IF as you said it doesn't create monotony--I will look more closely at the way I've used it here. I hadn't thought of Egypt, but that is certainly an interesting take. What I had in mind was more in the way of an image of a native American who hollows out a tree. Jenni: Thanks for the follow up. Far from suggesting a literal hollowing out, it is meant only metaphorically as is the search of a river, swimming to the afterlife, etc. Although, I'm certain a literal hollowing out would be violent, bloody, and grotesque, part of what I was aiming for was the transcending of the physical body EXCEPT for its purpose of housing the soul. Still, I see how it could be a distrubing, even distracting, image. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Gads Jenni, certainly not Beth, good to see you back in here too  |
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Opeth Senior Member
since 2001-12-13
Posts 1543The Ravines |
First of all, I enjoyed the theme of this poem. Here is where you lost me (as the reader) "I would strip my body bare in the moonlight, dive deep and blind into the chasm of water, the abyss of the unknown, full of strange creatures, jagged rocks. I would swim to you. The first part of your poem you talk about probing in search of a soul and what was once love, but at this point, I believe you venture off into a new and unwarranted direction for imagery's sake. I still enjoyed reading this one. |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
Thanks for your comments, Opeth. The idea was that if death were a river he would search for connections even if it meant entering into the "river" itself. What might I do to get this point to come across more clearly? |
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C? Member
since 2001-12-29
Posts 190 |
when I first read this I hesitated to post a reply because I always felt that any poem that uses the word "soul" was cliche. This one is beginning to grow differently on me though. I don't think you have to change anythign about what Opeth said, in my opinion at least. It makes sense becaues the emphasis is on the findingthe soul in the river, not neccessarily only my means of a corpse canoe....oh yeah...the ore of a canoe is called a paddle, hehe [This message has been edited by C? (03-05-2002 03:28 PM).] |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
C?: Thanks for the response. I know what you are getting at with the whole "soul" thing. However, can a word in and of itself be a cliche? I agree though that as poetic vocabulary goes, it is heavily overused and too often poets use it without recognizing the possiblity for different interpretations--that is, it is not really a tangible thing and the definition is fuzzy, so they sort of use it in a general sense. I could have used a synonym for soul or tried to coin a new phrase to describe it, but I'm not sure that avoid the cliche nature of the theme. I think that I do that here, as well, but don't think it would necessarily improve the poem if I attempted to go beyond that vague/general concept of soul though. Thanks again for your comments! P.S. I think you are technically correct about the oar/paddle. |
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merlynh Member
since 1999-09-26
Posts 411deer park, wa |
I noticed your replies close to mine. Searching out some of your work, tells of your knowledge you share. I enjoyed this piece very much; a courage and control not found frequently. |
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strbbux Member Elite
since 2001-12-19
Posts 3859 |
Kirk I cannot critique this as I am not on the same level as you, and now that I read it I am sorry I posted mine above, I am not on the same level of this type of writing LOL. I actually loved this, it is rather chilling, and I think that is exactly what you intended to do.And a bit gory, but I believe that also was intentional. floria Floria |
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