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Critical Analysis #2
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punksmurf
Junior Member
since 2002-01-01
Posts 37
new hampshire, U.S.

0 posted 2002-02-26 06:22 PM



Chelsea drives her car
as if it would take her
somewhere
more than it has
because somewhere was always nowhere
she drives away
as if the long gone sun
would give more answers
than the moon
if she could only chase it
fast enough
it would answer all her problems
she left the fringes of her life
unfinished
broken tapestry
hoping Juan would drive
over all of her fears
fix all that she runs from
and hold her tight
i would wipe them all away
for her
all of the memories
sweaty nights
the dust of her life
swished away
under the rug
i hated that
she never swept
never could pick up that broom
always talking, though
you tried i know
and i hated that i had to see
both sides
of everything
i wanted to protect
keep you both
in a cocoon of Beauty
i would have made for her
her nightmares
would no longer play
behind her eyes
you would both be safe
but you bled
each thinking
it would solve the world
or at least the microcosm
in that enclosed bed
the words and pictures
dark red nights
of lights bleeding
streaking past the shell
of her sanctuary
we were all safe for once
and Chelsea speeds away
as if Juan could answer

some things:
-in the beginning, the somewhere was always nowhere does it break the flow?
-is the long gone sun thing, is it too cliched?
-did you get with the fringes of her life?
-swished away? (too childish?)
-the narrative changesa to 'you' were supposed to mean two people, is it  too confusing?
-is the repitition oaky?

*thanks

"the worst part/ was hitting the ground/ not the feeling/ so much as the sound"
*Barenaked Ladies
'Toniht is the night i fell asleep at the wheel

© Copyright 2002 Hilda MacKinnon - All Rights Reserved
merlynh
Member
since 1999-09-26
Posts 411
deer park, wa
1 posted 2002-02-28 06:11 PM


I never like to see no replies.  Every writer has value; so never give up.  It's not the words; it's the person who changes, that makes a writer great.  You have more of a start then you know.
Kirk T Walker
Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357
Liberty, MO
2 posted 2002-02-28 06:54 PM


I think this one may need a little trimming (getting rid of information that is already implied or that is redundant) and I would consider using capitilization and punctuation to help the reader read more smoothly.

some things:
-in the beginning, the somewhere was always nowhere does it break the flow?  
Yes, I think so, but it wouldn't so much if you changed the formatting a little.
-is the long gone sun thing, is it too cliched?
Yes
-did you get with the fringes of her life?
i think so
-swished away? (too childish?)
no
-the narrative changesa to 'you' were supposed to mean two people, is it  too confusing? it is sort of ambiguous
-is the repitition oaky?
I like repetition when used sparingly to add emphasis

*thanks
your welcome

punksmurf
Junior Member
since 2002-01-01
Posts 37
new hampshire, U.S.
3 posted 2002-03-02 07:06 PM


merlynh, come back when you have something to say about the actual writing
merlynh
Member
since 1999-09-26
Posts 411
deer park, wa
4 posted 2002-03-19 04:17 PM


I've been writing for twenty years. My posts are rare!  (You have more of a start then you know.)  Means you have talent.  You still need to learn to change your pose into meaningful structures. Kirk T Walker pointed out some very good examples. No all writers are ready to understand or except change in their writing at a young stage.
lizzy-luv
Junior Member
since 2002-10-12
Posts 20
new hampshire..oh, the hicks abound
5 posted 2002-10-13 05:48 PM


I really like this. It's very rich. The emotion played into it gives it a life beyond whether the reader understands or not. Without leaving the reader behine, it moves on and draws them deeper. It doesn't wait for the reader, but I'm not saying it's readr-hostile. It's not. It's very warm at the same time that it's sad and regretful.

'she left the fringes of her life
unfinished
broken tapestry
hoping Juan would drive
over all of her fears
fix all that she runs from
and hold her tight'


I really liked this satnza. Well, section. There aren't really stanzas. Without being told. we are made aware that Juan is the car and this knowledge makes us understand the belief Chelsea has that if she makes him real (names him, personifies him), maybe he could actually save her. At the same time, the reader is painfully aware that Juan cannot save. It's sad.

'sweaty nights
the dust of her life
swished away
under the rug
i hated that
she never swept
never could pick up that broom
always talking, though
you tried i know
and i hated that i had to see
both sides'


Maybe both sides could be elaborated upon. Both sides of what? THe Sweeping image is a nice subtle double image. Both literally and figuratively, it illustrates part of the cause of the sadness that permeates the poem. Both literally that she would not sweep, and that caoused maybe the arguments that you saw both sides of? Ane finguratively that she could not (for whatever unexplained and not terribly necessary reason) emotionally sweep her life clean the way she tried. That she could not, maybe see the solution lying at her feet?

Anyway, i really liked this poem. The heart and the flow are all there. It was very bittersweet.

'everyone is broken by something they love and worship'(Fransesca Lia Block)
*lizzy*

TJDoat
Junior Member
since 2002-09-29
Posts 26

6 posted 2002-10-13 09:10 PM


This is good(very good). Like everyone else, there are some things that I would change,if I wrote it. I didn't write it, so I won't recomend them(it stands on its own regardless). I will mention what you have already brought up, and are correct about.....

"The somewhere/nowhere" line does break the flow, but only because you(I at least), expect it too to be worded better. The image is priceless...............

Perhaps if you drop the "because" from that line and tried wording it differently. I am persoanlly  seeing a somewhere that is nowhere near, but that's just me, and this is your child, you have given birth to it, and now must raise it as you see fit.

-Jason

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