»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #2
»
So Not Enough
| Critical Analysis #2 |
|
So Not Enough |
|
|
Kethry Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-29
Posts 9082Victoria Australia 
|
Neck to cheek we lie whispering beneath wafts of sandalwood cloaked in candles' quiver intensity restrained a sigh, softly fading away to nothingness waiting anticipating the lightest touch everything unspoken in deep body language touch to thigh lips lying livid grappling and vivid - and so not enough Here in the midst of my lonely abyss, a single joy I find...your presence in my mind. Unknown [This message has been edited by Kethry (02-17-2002 07:05 AM).] |
||
| © Copyright 2002 Lynne Dale - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Jamie Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168Blue Heaven |
like this-- very good opening quote: would like to see another word in the place of wafts here ( just my opinion of course) and.. it is bordering on cliche but you get away with the quivering candle because it is such a lovely image  quote: you have ur work cut out for you when you use sigh in a poem--lol -- especially when you want to describe it-- you made a good effort, but to me, it doesn't do the rest of the poem justice quote: this is good-- i can almost see what you describe--- until..( and this isnt your fault) livid-- i dont really know which meaning you are using-- especially when used with vivid--- quote: fantastic closing quote: all in all a very enjoyable poem with good use of images to move the reader along--a bit of cliche here and there-- but still very good. It is a poem that when you think about its message deeply enough it can bring a tear. I enjoyed it Kethry. thanks for putting it here. JThere is society where none intrudes, by the deep sea, and music in its roar. byron [This message has been edited by Jamie (02-18-2002 09:14 PM).] |
||
|
hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I really like this. I agree that 'wafts' is a bit awkward in stanza 1. I personally feel that the word 'so' weakens the title and last line, where it seems to be meant to strengthen. Those are the only two nits I could find... fantastic read; beautiful, entertainng, and thought-provoking at once. "Love is a piano |
||
|
Kethry Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-29
Posts 9082Victoria Australia |
Jamie, What about if I try beneath wisps of sandalwood. And the sigh, what about a sigh, softer than angel's breath (it still cliched I know) fading away to nothingness. The livid, I was thinking bruised and swollen lips after gratification - I don't know what else to replace it with. Do you have any suggestions? Thanks for the critique. I struggle with free verse. It frequently comes out stilted and forced, so I appreciate anything that will improve it. hush I will consider changing the waft for it also doesn't sit well with me, can you suggest anything else. But I would like to leave the last line. Keth Here in the midst of my lonely abyss, a single joy I find...your presence in my mind. Unknown |
||
|
Jamie Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168Blue Heaven |
Kethry- As easy as it can be to point out words and images we don't like---- to suggest what to replace them with is a horse of a different colour..lol---,, so remember--this is personal preference--and i took the liberty of imagining the original thought was my own-- --that said-here goes---lol Neck to cheek we lie whispers cloaked in candles' quiver intensity restrained a sigh, released fades into the scent of drifting sandlewood the rest I don't dare touch--lol ...i can't decide if the rhyming of the last two lines is something i like or not---heh some help i am eh? cheers J |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
