The Golden Notes Came to Sing

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Critical Analysis #2

The Golden Notes Came to Sing

Streen
Member

since 2001-11-28

Posts 169

0 posted 2002-02-14 07:24 PM

Ugh, I really need help with this poem. I know the meter is off, and I'm having a devil of a time fixing it. I've changed lots around, but it sounds more and more puerile as I change it. Some help would be very very much appreciated.

An angel's heart holds steadfast my peaceful core this night,
On her hallowed head locks are curled-casting golden gleams,
As her playful azure eyes are sparkling in delight,
And beauty from her rosy smile like a river streams.

Her gentle fingers strum the chords on her gilded lyre,
The graceful notes lifting through the crystal fluted air,
Rising unto caelic heights atop a vaulted spire,
Chordant hymnals trapping mortals in its crafted snare.

These prostrate souls before the sacred being bowing,
To her offerred all their worth in hope- an angel's love
Picked just one, his faults her graceful goodness allowing
His soul- thought he, "'Tis clearly lower than all above."

Combined as one 'neath an oak on grassy earth became,
The man's self upraised through that night rose on wings of myrhh.
Through her eyes and string'ed lyre he his worth saw acclaimed ,
And the golden notes came to sing of he and lovely her.

Still the tunes are playing to the tranquil ev'ning star,
The two angel doves landing in flight together,
Our love divine sings at night that distant home afar,
Where I, our tunes yet playing, do love my graceful Heather.

Eh, I know that it's very youngish sounding, but since I am a junior in high school, I consider that to be a little bit above horrible.

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

1 posted 2002-02-15 02:10 PM

Actually Streen, I think you may have a pretty good start here and it really doesn't sound juvenile to me. I think there are two things wrong about your meter. First it is inconsistent and second, it is a little too wordy. It can be difficult to write lines so long and with so many feet such that the reader doesn't feel like they are too long. I'll just take a shot at your first stanza. I don't mean any of this to be an actual revision but just the beginnings of an idea of how you might make the meter work a little better.

I don't mean to rewrite your poem for you but I will take the liberty with the first stanza. For starters, I would scan your original like this.

an AN/gel's HEART / holds STEAD-fast/ my PEACE/ful CORE / this NIGHT,
ON her / HAL-lowed / HEAD .../ LOCKS are / CURLED .../ -CAST-ing / GOLD-en / GLEAMS,
AS her / PLAY-ful / AZ-ure / EYES are / SPARK-ling / IN de/LIGHT,
and BEAU/ty FROM / her ROS/y SMILE /... LIKE / a RIV/er STREAMS.

I might make the next revision more like this.

An angel's heart holds fast my peaceful core tonight,
Her hallowed curly locks are casting golden gleams,
Her playful azure eyes are sparkling in delight,
And beauty from her rosy smile like rivers stream.

Ok, I know this isn't very good yet but I didn't actually play with the words or context. I just wanted to show you how you might smooth the meter or rhythm a bit. Notice that it is now all iambic and each line is six feet. Yours had 6, 8, 7 and 7. I took out a few unnecessary words to achieve this consistency but there are more that could come out. Some could also be changed to make a better sound or give a better impression.

Of course, this is all JMHO so take it or leave it as you see fit. It is your poem. I hope this helps. I think you have a nice start here. It just needs a little more work.

Thanks,
Pete

[This message has been edited by Not A Poet (02-15-2002 02:13 PM).]

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