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hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

0 posted 2002-02-07 11:18 PM

When I told her she had stars in her eyes
she gave me a cool lean-back-in-the-chair reply:
“I guess that’s ‘cause I’m gone on you.”
and I smiled shyly, lowering my eyes
to the coffee-ring table-top
in the busy-street coffee-shop;
the perfect unpretentious place
to treat a potential date, but
the last place I expected to participate in
an oscar-winning
carefully composed
extemporaneous conversation.

And I wondered if I’d practiced my lines long enough;
if my comment had clearly conveyed
the way the silver speaks up
out of her deep-current blue irises.
And I felt so inadequate, because
it seemed she’d known her part from the start,
retorting with only a moment’s pause
which was meant to make me feel
like interesting dinner talk,
regarded with detached contemplation,
which I guess I was.
At least that’s the role I was written into,
and I was thrust into this scene
without a script
to serenade the star
and (oh god) I never intended
to make it quite this far.

Still examining the woodgrain
I glanced up in relief
as the waitress took our plates
(mine, ham-and-cheese;
hers, just a salad, please)
and she was surly-cigarette-bleachy-blonde,
as out of place in the somber surroundings
of Columbia’s best and touted intellect
as I was on the thin ice
of this woman’s gaze.

"Love is a piano
dropped from a four story window
and you were in the wrong place
at the wrong time." -Ani DiFranco

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

1 posted 2002-02-08 09:25 AM

Hush, I think this is outstanding. The first few lines sucked me in and it held my interest solidly right to the end. The imagery was so strong and vivid that I really first felt like I was there watching the scene then ended up with the feeling that I was actually the speaker. It was almost as if there was something similar in my distant past that I don't really remember.

I guess it's fair to say that you reached me this time. I'll come back to this one later but right now, that's all I can think of to say about it.

Thanks,
Pete

sunbunbun
Junior Member

since 2002-02-07

Posts 21
Durham, NC

2 posted 2002-02-08 12:00 PM

Hush,

Awesome! You tapped into a situation I was just in and I was brought back to the same feelings you described.

I'm sharing this one with some friends, great job.

SBB

Knowledge empowers,
words a tool,
poetry a vision.

Severn
Member Rara Avis

since 1999-07-17

Posts 7704

3 posted 2002-02-15 06:39 PM

When I told her she had stars in her eyes
she gave me a cool lean-back-in-the-chair reply:
“I guess that’s ‘cause I’m gone on you.”
and I smiled shyly, lowering my eyes
to the coffee-ring table-top
in the busy-street coffee-shop;
the perfect unpretentious place
to treat a potential date, but
the last place I expected to participate in
an oscar-winning
carefully composed
extemporaneous conversation.

And I wondered if I’d practiced my lines long enough;
if my comment had clearly conveyed
the way the silver speaks up
out of her deep-current blue irises.
And I felt so inadequate, because
it seemed she’d known her part from the start,
retorting with only a moment’s pause
which was meant to make me feel
like interesting dinner talk,
regarded with detached contemplation,
which I guess I was.
At least that’s the role I was written into,
and I was thrust into this scene
without a script
to serenade the star
and (oh god) I never intended
to make it quite this far.

Still examining the woodgrain
I glanced up in relief
as the waitress took our plates
(mine, ham-and-cheese;
hers, just a salad, please)
and she was surly-cigarette-bleachy-blonde,
as out of place in the somber surroundings
of Columbia’s best and touted intellect
as I was on the thin ice
of this woman’s gaze.

Yeah, this poem really is fantastic...sharp, tight...but it could be sharper and tighter...

The only thing I can immediately see in this is a tendency to over-state...I think you could refine this...just cut out a few lines, I won't suggest any unless you wanted me too, because it should be up to the author what to cutt, if you choose to go that way.

It has a great flow, drifts fluidly from line to line...

in all, a very successful piece of work, Hush.

K

punksmurf
Junior Member

since 2002-01-01

Posts 37
new hampshire, U.S.

4 posted 2002-02-21 06:01 PM

it must be amazing, on the thin ice of this woman's glare, your poem, i hate to say is perfect, everything everybody's wished they wrote, i am jealous of your cool embarassment and sensous praise. every man wishes they wrote them, every woman wishes they were for her, this poem is truly beautiful. sardonic and and ultra-hip to everything we've lost and long for.

"the worst part/ was hitting the ground/ not the feeling/ so much as the sound"
*Barenaked Ladies
'Toniht is the night i fell asleep at the wheel

Raz
Member

since 2002-04-30

Posts 51
Quebec, Canada

5 posted 2002-05-01 05:53 PM

I agree with Severn. A little paring down would bring this up nicely.

Lovely read. Thanks.

-Raz

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