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Critical Analysis #2
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Yesterdays
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Yesterdays |
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sunbunbun Junior Member
since 2002-02-07
Posts 21Durham, NC |
Time slows, a familiar song, eyes close, the strum of a guitar, incense mingles with cigarette smoke, tickling my nose. Warmth fills the space, and laughter echoes through the air, closeness wraps its arms around the pair, something shared, in yesterdays like these. SBB |
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| © Copyright 2002 Dawn M. DaRoja - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Dawn, Welcome to CA. This is a nice first post. It already has a good feel and nice imagery. I can see the potential. There are a couple of lines that bother me a bit though. First, quote: What space? I think a little rewording or maybe clarification or expounding would give this line more of the feel of the rest of the poem. Then quote: What pair? This just sounds too impersonal, again for the tone of the rest of the poem. Maybe you can be more specific or make it more personal. Overall I think it is good but could still be improved a little. Check your email. Thanks, Pete |
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sunbunbun Junior Member
since 2002-02-07
Posts 21Durham, NC |
Thanks Pete, I'm going to work with your suggestions and see what I come up with. Thanks too for the warm welcome! Dawn SBB |
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SpitFire Member Elite
since 2000-04-19
Posts 2396 |
~I really enjoyed the atmosphere that you've created here,...though there could be more as to who the people are, it seems "I" was used as one of them, (could be a pair of friends or lovers or some other kind of relationship, relative or otherwise) and _where_ this space is. (Though I do believe in leaving some things unanswered  Up to you). -- You've presented it as such a comfortable setting, and I really like the overall idea in this. Welcome and take care. *Peace. |
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sunbunbun Junior Member
since 2002-02-07
Posts 21Durham, NC |
Thanks Spitfire, It seems that I should define who and where a bit more, I'm planning on a revision soon. I appreciate your response! SBB |
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jfreak Member
since 1999-06-17
Posts 306Yuma, AZ, USA |
I like the feel of this, but of course everyone has their own things that they like to see...when it comes to me rhythm is everything and imagery is a must...those two things are what I lean on to critique a poem and how I write... So I say this...the first stanza is very nice b/c it really evokes a picture and it brings me to a place that makes me feel as if I was really there, But with the second stanza you kind of lose that...as the others said...it just kind of gets too general...so remember when you write, do so in a way that makes me feel what you felt... J~ |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Hi, and welcome... I'm going to contradict everyone it seems and say that I like the anonymity of 'the space' and 'the pair' - it's pure minimalism, and I think it works well. It lets the reader create entirely their own images, and in fact, it acts as invitation for the reader to remember their own intimate times of this nature... While poetry can definitely be all about images, sometimes it just doesn't have to. You said: 'It seems that I should define who and where a bit more' and while you may want to do that, I would suggest that if you do, you will be changing the entire premise of this poem. It will become a new poem, not merely an addition, or revision of an old. Which may be fine, if that's what you really want to do. After that preamble, here's some suggestions: It's short, minimalistic etc...why not try it without the punctuation? It might add to the feel of it... Time slows a familiar song eyes close the strum of a guitar incense mingles with cigarette smoke tickling my nose Warmth fills the space and laughter echoes through the air closeness wraps its arms around the pair something shared in yesterdays like these If you want to keep it pretty much as it is, why not change 'the pair' to 'a pair' and 'the space' to 'a space' - that would makes it clear that anonymity is your intent. Over all, I like this. It's simplicity and generality gives it an edge in my opinion...  K |
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Victor_K Junior Member
since 2002-02-02
Posts 12Selangor, Malaysia |
Hello Dawn, I think I've read this from you before, and I still think it's a good piece of poetry. IMHO, the punctuation should be there, or it will seem continuous. As for 'space', it lets readers determine what 'space' is. Maybe a campfire in the woods? Or a sandy beach at night? As for 'the pair', maybe more defining would be helpful, perhaps something on who they are, but it's ok as it is. Good read, hope to see more. Vic |
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sunbunbun Junior Member
since 2002-02-07
Posts 21Durham, NC |
Thanks to all! I appreciate all of your suggestions. I am tossing around these ideas but I'm not sure which way I'm leaning at this point. I think I like the mystery of the poem and this causes me to second guess my changing it too much. You've given me lots to think about. Much thanks, Dawn Hey Vic--Nice to see you again! |
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epoet Member
since 2000-05-11
Posts 291grand rapid,MI, usa |
I agree with severn. The non-definition of the pair and space helps to add an air of mystery to this poem. I like the way it flows. Changing it would change the whole feel of this P. J. Kotrch |
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