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Critical Analysis #2
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Could Be...
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Could Be... |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration 
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kind of liked this idea, and general wording... but i can't seem to make this work out for some reason. It feels... jittery? Thanks in advance, C maybe it’s that bubble of laughter rolling off the back of your tongue, gracefully twisting the edges of your dry, indomitable wit it could be more though, could be… unspoken promises of fulfillment breezing through the satin folds of incredulous, admiring sighs or the feeling that you have me - hanging on the precipice that borders compassion over carnality perhaps it’s that tickle of truth nestling in the folds of kindness; the honest charity of a caress better yet: the chase of soft, endless kisses - dancing lips across a moonless sky, solidarity coupled with passion all this, yes, but mostly… the curve of transparent irony, where I’m glowing in the heat of a revelation, and lost in the epiphany of your smile |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Almost works. The first part is great, the second is tremendously tantalizing but you don't quite get it done. Damn it, Chris, you can do this, stop playing around and let yourself write. Ha, Brad |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
meaning...? lol - by parts do you mean: first part = introduction second part = "main body" third part = closing stanza ??? A lot of help here Brad - LOL C |
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Jamie Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168Blue Heaven |
Rather than jittery, I feel it is hesitant, like you are trying to describe something you don't really want completely revealed. As Red Smith would say-- maybe you need to open up a vein.  Great potential in this. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Let's see if I can get more specific: maybe it¡¯s that bubble of laughter rolling off the back of your tongue, gracefully twisting the edges of your dry, indomitable wit it could be more though, could be¡¦ --This took me away almost immediately. You carry the image further than most would, you have a concrete image that implies the complexity of humor or wit, I can see it and think it at the same time. The last two lines works as kind of refrain, it's almost repetitive but I think it works because you're implying that you'll take the whole thing further than the original stanza. unspoken promises of fulfillment breezing through the satin folds of incredulous, admiring sighs or the feeling that you have me - hanging on the precipice that borders compassion over carnality --the alliteration still propels the reader without bogging down (it's easy to get caught up in alliteration and drag down the reader with you but I don't think you've done this here.) The use of precipice and satin reinforce the image and sensuality. Honestly, I don't think I'd like either image without the other (precipice is too jarring and satin is too common), the two together seem to work however. Believe it or not, you still seem to maintain a unified image here -- talking as sex -- that's neither too straightforward nor too abstract. I think all this up works quite well. perhaps it¡¯s that tickle of truth nestling in the folds of kindness; the honest charity of a caress --But here you begin to repeat yourself. Almost as if the moment you've established the image, you want to pull it back: truth, kindness, caress, charity -- you're pulling back from the precipice. --It's becoming a 'nice' poem. better yet: the chase of soft, endless kisses - dancing lips across a moonless sky, solidarity coupled with passion --and continues its run from the abyss. Admittedly, you were playing with familiar images before but I thought you used them differently. I see you falling (as you're running away?) into a kind of normal poetic mood rather than taking chances. I have tendency to do this too. It's something we have to steel ourselves against-- all this, yes, but mostly¡¦ the curve of transparent irony, where I¡¯m glowing in the heat of a revelation, and lost in the epiphany of your smile --because you end with smile (and how many times I've done the same thing, I tell you). This doesn't further the original comparative image; it's general, abstract, I've lost the intitial punch. You promise a lot but never deliver. --and I think you can deliver. Does that help? Brad |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
C, I don't know what to add to what Brad's already said lol... My usual advice/peeve - over-adjectivelising...heh... I'd get rid of gracefully and just have twisting..let the images speak for themselves sometimes hey? I'm not comfortable with: perhaps it’s that tickle of truth nestling in the folds of kindness; the honest charity of a caress it's hmmmmmmmmmm..wishy washy I guess. folds of kindness? Sounds like you're doing laundry eheheheheeeeeeee... But I like the last line of that stanza, it's wise, and has a nice technical element..perhaps you could incorporate it somewhere else in the poem? dancing lips - cliche my friend, pure cliche. Love the last line...it finishes it off very nicely. You just need to firm this up, tighten your word usage... then it'll 'work'  K |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Where's the rewrite, Chris? I'd like to see it now that you have all this great input! |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
Brad, Kamla, Jamie - thank you. Brad, that DOES help, quite a bit, quite a bit - gives me a much better impression of your perspective. Kari, I'll be working on it sometime this week, there has been some good input here - got stuck working this weekend, and had some other priorites. Thanks all, Chris |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Is the week up yet? |
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