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SpitFire
Member Elite

since 2000-04-19

Posts 2396

0 posted 2002-02-04 10:41 AM

I cradle age in leaves once living and smooth,
once moist enough to brush and sustain,
so alive that their hearts burst open in sequence revealing -
then reversal where they bled.
Hanging instead of reaching,
waiting in shied hushes of night to fall,
dried stiff and fragile aching.
He questions how I understand blue glass holding the remains
and why I slide my heart across the stems for proof.
Center forward, ripple crisped and color faded weak to show. I know.

Time only allows for so much growth
or bursting for the ones who try.
Life, measured in rings and veins colliding.
Regression creeping through darkness to steal,
coating every achievement with dare
and days choking down ounces at a time.
I can run fingers over the curl and see yesterday slipping,
though it holds on for morning once more.
Warmth toasting worries in rays and comfort,
while blue glass holds what I'll become.

china doll
Junior Member

since 2002-01-20

Posts 22

1 posted 2002-02-04 06:11 PM

I loved this one...very dark, so much incredible imagery.I hope you don't feel this way, cause there is always youth in everyone! Hope to hear more..

Christopher

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 1999-08-02

Posts 8296
Purgatorial Incarceration

2 posted 2002-02-06 07:51 PM

hey A - was thinking about you the other day.

i only see two things here that you might want to look at...

1)burst open in sequence revealing -
uhmm - don't get this... instinctively i feel there should be a comma after 'sequence.' then again, i'm not quite getting what follows... i'm waiting to see what's going to be revealed... then i find out it's just a play on words... too much, i think,

2) title - as soon as the title words hit in the body of the poem, i was distracted... the title (which is ok) made me feel that the line (which was awesome!) held a lot more importance than it really did. i had to re-read to see if i missed something... i know you repeated it at the end, which was cool... but *shrug* it made me wonder... i'd either reconfigure the first appearance(which i would hate, since that's my favorite line) or maybe rename the poem...?

all-in-all, glad i caught it - "Life, measured in rings and veins colliding." loved this line almost as much as the one mentioned above.

between this and brad's poem, i've had a good day. i see now why you CA'ers like it in here... there's some worthwhile activity on this panet afterall.

peace n' hugs

C

Janet Marie
Member Laureate

since 2000-01-22

Posts 18554

3 posted 2002-02-07 12:22 PM

I can run fingers over the curl and see yesterday slipping,
though it holds on for morning once more.
====================================

I've read this several times since you posted it...and each time see more than before...theres so much to take in...
the imagery..the metaphors..the word play and phrasing....so many "classic A" lines...
I loved the analogies to the leaf and aging as well as to the "blue glass" holding time.
That above line is worth its weight in poetic gold...
Your poetry always makes us think and pull from ourselves to find the parts we recognize. Your style is uniquely you....
and I like the way the words coat and curl around me...even when I dont "get" every single lines intend. I dont need to, I feel the words.
very cool write A.

You speak to me in riddles and you speak to me in rhymes.
My body aches to breathe your breath ... your words keep me alive.

~Sarah McLachlan~

Irish Rose
Member Patricius

since 2000-04-06

Posts 10263

4 posted 2002-02-07 09:29 AM

I know I should have some kind of a critique, I know that, but I've read this countless times and with absolute honesty, this is an amazing talented write. I can't come up with anything that needs improving.

Kathleen--(Kay)
"When red-haired girls scamper like roses over the rain-green grass, and the sun drips honey."
Laurie Lee

sunbunbun
Junior Member

since 2002-02-07

Posts 21
Durham, NC

5 posted 2002-02-07 03:55 PM

Great poem! I could see and feel what you were saying. I don't have any words of wisdom.

Thanks for sharing!

SBB

Knowledge empowers,
words a tool,
poetry a vision.

SpitFire
Member Elite

since 2000-04-19

Posts 2396

6 posted 2002-02-08 10:58 AM

~Let's see here,...in response to these replies I must say thank you, though I hold no importance over these things I write, and in fact am quite sure that they are horrid, though honest, and maybe that is why some people like them? Because there may be relation? I don't know. I have no learned experience with writing poetry, in fact, don't even like calling what I write poetry. Anyway, sort of a reason why I'm dry of comments to the posts I've read here, other than how much I liked it and why, or didn't care for it and why, because for me, any kind of stirring, movement, affectiveness etc in a piece that I read _makes_ it for me. Perhaps I don't belong in here as it is for critiquing and if one doesn't know the 'rules' or forms etc, and can only offer what worked and didn't work for them then,...
Ok, too much here I know.

On to C's offering, "burst open in sequence revealing",...I don't know man, this stuff just comes out, I liked the image of them bursting open in sequence, revealing (their hearts, their entire inside self) and then, "reversal where they bled", I also liked the "rev" again, (don't know what you'd call that), and also the image of giving or baring it all and then "reversal" with a closing oneself up,...to die. (maybe I only make sense to myself). lol. AND,...
the title in the body, oh god you got me. I am never, ever a fan of the titles I choose, in fact, I'd not title them, and do not, unless something is posted, and then it's required I guess unless I put in a number? or something, but yes, it is horrible I see this. I cringe at the sound of it. And I'm sorry it disturbed the reading, good god it's something I can do without, (imagine it gone). lol. I'll work on it. That too, very rarely will I change something I've written, though I am occasionally hungry for "what" (if anything) has worked (worked in a sense that there was a stirring, a movement, etc) or didn't work, (where there was just confusion and disconnection or something). SO, no, I have to admit, that I am no "CAer", though I read in here often.

. I can't take credit for the work these folks put into writing, theirs and others. *Peace you and thanks for reading and for being so easy on me in your reply, it would have been ok to hack it into pieces lol.

To chinadoll, thank you for reading,
and Janet, your replies, because of your honesty in maybe not getting every lines intent but still reading, swirls me! That you read, and wonder and feel is more than I could ever hope for in posting. You mean lots and I know that you get the heart of what's going on, from mine to yours girlie,
and Kathleen, you're another, I think at times our insides are on the same page, and that, is what reading your poetry is like for me. Thank you for all you've said, but I'm sure if you took another look, now that a day has passed, you'd see things that needed tweaking. You've got a great eye for that, for rhythm and pulling out the weak spots to strengthen them, and what parts left you tangled, but I'll thank you for the sweet words you've left behind, they mean a heck of a lot coming from you,
and sunbunbun, you too, thank you for coming by and seeing and feeling what you were reading.
Someone woke a little chatterbox this morning and is now going to be late for class, I promise to give feedback to all the things I've read in here this weekend (I'll give it an honest try to let you know what worked and didn't work, for me). *Peace poets.

[This message has been edited by SpitFire (02-08-2002 11:05 AM).]

punksmurf
Junior Member

since 2002-01-01

Posts 37
new hampshire, U.S.

7 posted 2002-02-19 06:19 PM

i love it. the intracacies in imagery and the deep longing supressed in the meanings. your riddlespeak is finely wrought and beautiful. every word is magic, and i think that it is fine the way that it is.
~Me
'regression creeping through darkness to steal
coating every achievment with dare'

"the worst part/ was hitting the ground/ not the feeling/ so much as the sound"
*Barenaked Ladies
'Toniht is the night i fell asleep at the wheel

Victor_K
Junior Member

since 2002-02-02

Posts 12
Selangor, Malaysia

8 posted 2002-03-03 06:58 AM

Nice poem. Very enjoyable.
The thing with titles I dislike a lot is that sometimes it gives expectations which might be bad for the poem itself. I'm not good at titling poems either, and I've gotten responses from "I thought it was something else" to "I imagined it was going in that direction, but you surprised me".

Lovely imagery, thanks for the treat, Spitfire.

A little something from me...

brian madden
Member Elite

since 2000-05-06

Posts 4374
ireland

9 posted 2002-03-30 05:42 PM

Heh You,
I know you want suggestions for this one but I honestly can't find fault with this poem, it has some amazing images, it is strongly written and leaves me reading between the lines. Sorry I can't be of any real critical help.

A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.oscar wilde

Mysteria

Member Laureate

since 2001-03-07

Posts 18328
British Columbia, Canada

10 posted 2004-08-04 01:35 PM

Well I have to be totally honest that I don't always get everything that you write, but it is just the most wonderful sensation reading your work, and experiencing the process of thought patterns to try to unravel you complex writing. I enjoy your work so much, and hope there can be more of it. Thank you, I enjoyed reading it.

Imagination is more important than knowledge...
Albert Einstein

cynicsRus
Senior Member

since 2003-06-06

Posts 591
So Cal So Cool!

11 posted 2004-08-11 11:01 AM

In the first stanza, the "leaves with [Individual], beating, bleeding hearts metaphor, just didn't do it for me. I just can't seem to correlate the two images.
In S2: L6, Cut the "and". It's a filler that doesn't belong at the beginning of a line--especially not in such a strong line.
            L8, IMO, you could cut "on for" to streamline this statement.
            L9, "toasting worries in rays" is a simplistic, unpolished phrase in an otherwise provocative piece.
            L10, "while" is a filler that, if eliminated and preceded by a dash, would allow this final line to have a bit more impact.

            Overall, a compelling read with a sort of easy, natural rhythm to it.

Sid
If you must carp: Carpe diem!
Visit my poetry forum.
Read my poetry.

jwesley
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-04-30

Posts 7563
Spring, Texas

12 posted 2004-12-19 10:25 PM

Wow . . . have I ever missed seeing you. Even if it is only through your words.

I don't often come in here, and the few times I have, haven't seen you...my loss.

The title: I think it's perfect! Your very last lines ties this whole piece together like nothing else could - and provides the title. Surperb!

Sort of like - the lives of my soul are encased in this blue aura and who knows what they'll see when it explodes and I step forth!!!

Yep, missed you . . . and wish you well.

jwesley

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