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jennirey
Member

since 2002-01-24

Posts 198
North Richland HillsTx

0 posted 2002-01-29 10:09 PM

To those who critique,
I posted this on a club in Yahoo. I was told, that it was ok, except, they felt My rhyming well with well was Not good. Are there any suggestions out there?

"Living Well"

Im Living and Im living well,
Since you unearthed me from my well.
My well of emotion had trapped me in,
Alone I was ruined, You walked right in
Smile Maker You capture My heart,
Melt all the sadness that was deep in my heart.
You exhale my dandelion wishes and scatter them to the wind.
How great it is to call you My friend.
To know you is grand, To Love you divine,
To know that your heart is souly mine.
No more sadness, No more tears.
I pledge you this, For all our years.
Smile maker I love you so,
I now know which way to go.

edgedog
New Member

since 2002-01-30

Posts 2
OK, USA

1 posted 2002-01-30 02:09 AM

Hi jennirey -
This is my first critique so please let me know if I say something you don't like.

First of all, I like the idea of wishes being associated with dandelions.  Great imagery.  I'm a little confused about the logic of someone you refer to as "Smile Maker" scattering your wishes to the wind.  Is this a good thing?  It would seem the preferrable conclusion to be for "Smile Maker" to make those wishes come true.

And at the end you say you know which way to go... which again baffles me.  Were you trying to decide on a path to take in your life of which I was unaware.  It's just the rest of the poem doesn't draw me to this final statement of "know(ing) which way to go."

Good luck in revising!
Hope I was kind!

cwebb
Junior Member

since 2002-01-19

Posts 34

2 posted 2002-01-30 07:23 AM

Hi Jennirey - a lovely poem!  Let's see if I can help a little bit (all suggestions, of course, are just that!) - C

[Im Living and Im living well,]

First, Im should be I'm, in both cases  here

[Since you unearthed me from my well.]

   I agree with your Yahoo commentator - how about saying "Since you released me from my shell"?

[My well of emotion had trapped me in,]

This line - I get what you're saying (of course - it's very clear!) but I'm wondering how else it could be said...  you've repeated 'well' once again, and it doesn't really clarify what KIND of emotion - sorrow? fear? bitterness?  It might help here to find a more descriptive term (like - 'for years of sorrow held me pinned / to aching past 'til you walked in')

[Alone I was ruined, You walked right in]

The line above seems to have one 'beat' too many, and reads a bit awkwardly.  See my above suggestion(?)

[Smile Maker You capture My heart,
Melt all the sadness that was deep in my heart.]

how about "Melt all the sadness from my heart"?

[You exhale my dandelion wishes and scatter them to the wind.
How great it is to call you My friend.
To know you is grand, To Love you divine,
To know that your heart is souly mine.]

"Souly" should be "solely"

[No more sadness, No more tears.
I pledge you this, For all our years.
Smile maker I love you so,
I now know which way to go.]

My favorite part, poet, is the imagery you chose of dandelion wishes - riding on the air.  That is really beautiful!  It is difficult, I know, to find a 'beat' in rhyming poetry... and sometimes, to find just the right word to go with another.  I've gotten intensely frustrated, to say the least, with the very same thing!  Good luck with this lovely work - it is worth it... the lines contain your heart (and it shows.)

- C

Qumar Fatthi
Member

since 2001-05-20

Posts 59
Pakistan

3 posted 2002-01-30 08:11 AM

Good
Carry On
Best of Luck

jennirey
Member

since 2002-01-24

Posts 198
North Richland HillsTx

4 posted 2002-01-30 10:24 PM

Thank you Edgedog, and Cwebb. I tended to rewrite it according to cwebb's critique, I have posted in the open forum. Your questions edgedog, were infact very valid and i hope i answered them in the rewrite.. thank you very very much

Jen

Treasure every moment that you have!
Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow is mystery.
Today is a gift.
That's why it's called the present!!

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