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Critical Analysis #2
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To Hillary
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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To Hillary |
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Chrissy Member
since 2002-01-24
Posts 81Idaho, no I am not a farmer! |
To Hillary Why did you have to take your own life Why did you choose to die Didn't you know we loved you And at your funeral we would cry We put you in that cold wet ground Knowing it really wasn't your time As tears ran down my face that day Knowing Heaven you would not find You were so special to me I wish I could have told you more Because if you really knew how people felt you would not have closed that door The second I found out I hit my knees in tears Knowing that you would have graduated In only a few more years If I would have been a better friend Been there for you that day You would have dealt with all that grief only in a better, more positive way I want you to know I forgive you But still it hurts inside Was there anything I could have done that day So you would not have died |
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| © Copyright 2002 Chrissy Ryen - All Rights Reserved | |||
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punksmurf Junior Member
since 2002-01-01
Posts 37new hampshire, U.S. |
being nice and telling it like it is are complete opposites with this poem not all poems need to mention god. lighten up! yeah, i'm sure some screwed up diety will really apreciate you telling your suicidal friend she'll never make it to heaven. and the rhyming, poems are still poems if they don't rhyme, in fact it might even give an ounce of truth to your poems to give up on the rhyming. really, this is depressingly horrible, talking to a dead girl about how terrible she was being because she 'couldn't serve god' anymore, that's not our only purpose, she couldn't deal, eternal damnation might be a ray of sunshine compared [Edited by moderator] she was probably dealing with. [This message has been edited by Not A Poet (02-04-2002 10:26 AM).] |
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Chrissy Member
since 2002-01-24
Posts 81Idaho, no I am not a farmer! |
First of all, I think that was totally uncalled for. You don't need to post something telling me how I should feel, or what I should write about. I write about things going on in my life, and about how they effect me. I didint write this because It sounded good. I wrote it because This is how I feel. If you have anything negitive to say about the punctuation, or the flow, or anything that is reasonable, please do so, If not, and all you have to talk about is how my feelings about suicide, and religion are wrong, then refrain from further posts. Dance like noone is watching |
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Chrissy Member
since 2002-01-24
Posts 81Idaho, no I am not a farmer! |
also, if you would look at my other peices, in other forums...They are not all about my religious beliefs. Dance like noone is watching |
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Chrissy Member
since 2002-01-24
Posts 81Idaho, no I am not a farmer! |
and another thing. I dont see very many of your poems on here. Its for sharring too, not just to come on here and tell me that my beliefs are wrong! Dance like noone is watching |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Man punksmurf, seems like you might lighten up a bit yourself. Your comments might be taken more seriously. Pete |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Punksmurf... calling somebody's poetry 'depressingly horrible' is just a little on the harsh side... don't you think? I do... and i'm usually in favor of heavy criticism... but that crosses a really important line... from being constructive to being destructive. Chrissy; I think that when posting a piece as personal as this to a critical forum, you take a chance... sometimes opinions and 'brainy thoughts' as I call them can conflict with strong emotions... it happens all the time, in all places in life. Assuming you've considered that, I'm going to go ahead and make a few comments. 'Why did you have to take your own life Why did you choose to die Didn't you know we loved you And at your funeral we would cry' I'm not real gung-hoe on punctuation, but I do feel that questions are best punctuated. Other than that, I feel like this could have and should ahve been more descriptive. You tell us (or rather, Hillary) that you hurt, but that actual process is not described. I think you could do a lot if you focused in on just one moment of this and fleshed it out. Losing someone is a huge ordeal- the emotions that come with it are convoluted and affect everyone very differently. Write a poem about falling to your knees in tears- your exact thoughts at that moment... give us some imagery... paint us some kind of picture. I think you could also try some different perspectives here- maybe address the reader instead of Hillary, or try second person (where 'i' becomes 'you') or third (where 'i' becomes 'she'). I think you could write this from all different points of view- a therapist describing the speaker's (The 'i' in this poem) reactions, or a stranger on the street observing the funeral from the curb, or Hillary's mother addressing the speaker, or the speaker addressing her mother... you could go countless different ways with this. Hope I've helped. "Love is a piano |
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sunbunbun Junior Member
since 2002-02-07
Posts 21Durham, NC |
Chrissy, I think your poem has alot of potential. I agree with the last posting about changing the viewpoint. Using more descriptive words and phrases would help to paint a picture for the reader. Narrow your focus on what you're trying to get through to the reader most and follow that. SBB |
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Chrissy Member
since 2002-01-24
Posts 81Idaho, no I am not a farmer! |
Im actually thinking it was a bad idea to post this one. Or maybe i shouldnt have put it in here, because I cant get people to understand someinthing. I didint write this because I wanted to tell everyone how much I was hurting. I wrote this laying in bed because I couldnt sleep. I was writing it to Hillary...telling her my thought, and things that I didint undersatnd. It's not just something that sounded good. Still when I cant sleep I will drive up to this little point and talk to her, ask her how to deal with things...depending on your beliefs...This isnt so crazy. It was a letter, more than a poem, I just thought I would share an expierence, I guess I was wring, and should have kept it to myself. |
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Streen Member
since 2001-11-28
Posts 169 |
It probably just wasn't the good idea to post it in the Critical Analysis forum of this board.  When you post a poem here, it means you want it to be analyzed to the bare bone. If you didn't want that, you could've just put it in the Open Poetry forum here. Just a comfort I'll try to give you, from a fellow Christian to a fellow Christian: nobody but Hillary and God knows what was going through her mind at the end, so she might be in Heaven. Everyone, according to Jesus, has the ability to repent even at the very end, so she could be in Heaven yet. I'm sorry if you find me saying such things offensive, but I'm just trying to help you. |
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