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Will you remember me - sonnet
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Will you remember me - sonnet |
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Titia Geertman Member Ascendant
since 2001-05-07
Posts 5182Netherlands 
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I tried to reply to your poems, but I couldn't say anything useful, so I didn't. I think one can only critic a poem when one fully understand the words being used and I'm often lacking that. Most of the time I get the overall meaning, but that's not enough to give some good suggestions. So please, let me be excused of giving critics. I only can say if it appeals to me or not and I'm not sure even then,LOL, and that's not what you are waiting for. Is it oké if I put a poem of my own here once in a while? I learn a lot from your answers. Here's one more sonnet. Remember all the things I've ever done and tell along the stories you've been told, the stories of my life, wich have long gone Cause they are worth to someone, I am sure; The life I lived, I did not live in vain, Go tell them, how I loved my roses pure in early mist with little drops of rain And when I'm gone, don't grieve too much my dear, for I was happy in so many ways; So keep the humor, that I loved to hear, cause with the humor, also laughter stays. Though my life has reached almost september, I won't be old, 'til I pass december A rose is a rose is a rose...I guess... Want to use the pics on my website? Just send me a mail and I'll give you the link. [This message has been edited by Titia Geertman (01-23-2002 05:43 PM).] |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hello again Titia, First let me say that you are always welcome here. And please don't feel that you are not qualified to give your opinion. In fact, it would be very much appreciated. Even if all you can say is that you liked or did not like the poem. But do try to say why you liked it or didn't. Now, to your sonnet. You certainly are improving with each effort. Your meter is almost flawless. Your rhyme scheme is right on. Your theme is well developed. In short, I found it to be a very enjoyable sonnet. Now for just a couple of suggestions. In the first quatrain, I would end line 1 with a comma. The semicolon just seems too strong there. In line 3, along is not common (probably not even proper) usage. I think the wording you want is "of all" instead of "along." Finally, end line 4 with a question mark (?). In the second quatrain, are is incorrect. Use "they have worth" instead. Then again, I don't like the semicolon. If you use one on line one then, technically, you should use it on line 2 also. My preference (and it is just a preference) would be to end both line 1 and 2 with a dash. This separates line 2 as a parenthetical element. I think that was your intent. Finally, I would end line 4 with a period. In the third quatrain, I only see one problem on the last line. Cause, as you have used it here really should be because instead. Of course that spoils the meter. It is not uncommon to use the apostrophe for the omitted syllable thus, 'cause. I really don't like that. Although it probably is acceptable it just seems a little too informal for a sonnet about a non-trivial subject. I think I would try for another word. Fortunately the English language is rich with so many words which have essentially the same meaning. Personally, I would use for instead of 'cause here. But that is just my suggestion. I really like your closing couplet. I think it sums up the sentiment quite well. It does, however, have 2 meter problems. The missing first syllable on the first line causes me to stumble until I have read it a couple of times. In some cases one can get away with this but only where the proper stress is obvious. I don't think that is the case here because I keep wanting to read it wrong. My first thought was to just add for at the beginning of the line. That makes it flow smoothly while saying exactly what I think you intended. I feel that would be a problem though if you followed my suggestion of beginning the preceeding line with for. The only answer that immediately comes to me is to add and in front of though here. See if you can come up with a better solution. Finally, in the last line, use until instead of 'til which makes the meter right. Then drop the comma and add a period at the end. One last comment. Be consistent with your capitalization beginning the lines. Personally I prefer to begin each line of a sonnet with a capital letter but many others don't. If you do not capitalize every line, then only do so where it would be proper usage. Thanks for sharing. Again, this is all just my opinion. Feel free to use or ignore any and all of it as you see fit. Remember, this is your poem and I don't want to rewrite it. Thanks, Pete |
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Opeth Senior Member
since 2001-12-13
Posts 1543The Ravines |
Will you remember me, why use a comma?when I am old; why not, “…I am old/and all the…”Remember all the things I've ever done and tell along the stories I don’t get that phrase, “tell along?” you've been told, the stories of my life, wich “which” have long gone{b]”…have long gone” – awkward[/b] Cause not a strong word to open with they are worth to someone, awkward, incorrect usage of the term, “worth”I am sure; The life I lived, I did not live in vain,clichéd Go tell them, how I loved my roses pure forced in early mist with little drops of rain missing punctuation throughout And when I'm gone, don't grieve too much my dear, for I was happy in so many ways; So keep the humor, that I loved to hear, cause with the humor, also no need for the term “also” laughter stays. Though my life has reached almost sSeptember, I won't be old,comma? 'til I pass dDecember Overall, I enjoyed the topic presented. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Oops, I missed the September and December  Pete |
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