»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #2
»
My dad, who was my father - sonnet
| Critical Analysis #2 |
|
My dad, who was my father - sonnet |
|
|
Titia Geertman Member Ascendant
since 2001-05-07
Posts 5182Netherlands 
|
Hi there, I wrote this sonnet and sure want some critiques, on my use of the English language, wich is not all toghether right I was told. And they are probably right cause English is not my native language, for I'm Dutch, but I sure want to learn to write better English.So....shoot I know, the sun will follow very soon Behind my back, there is the fading moon Reminds me of my father, but he's dead He was a man of nature and so pure A man, who needed just few words to speak In showing feelings, he was very weak He was my father, I felt that for sure He was an artist and his world was paint He saw the beauty in the little things He taught me well, in how to spread my wings He was my father, but he was no saint And so in silence when I see the sun I like to think of him with lots of fun A rose is a rose is a rose...I guess... |
||
| © Copyright 2002 Titia Geertman - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
cwebb Junior Member
since 2002-01-19
Posts 34 |
Hello, Titia I relate so well to this work of yours - my father, too, is so special to me! I am very impressed by the level of expertise you've obtained - demonstrated in this lovely & heartfelt poem... yes, there are some small improvements which might be made, and I'll try to point them out to you here. First (in my opinionated opinion lol~!) there are several places you've used an unnecessary comma. In "I know, the sun will follow very soon", and also in "A man, who needed just few words to speak" I think these lines would work well without the commas, and flow slightly better. For vocabulary, let me just copy the poem here (I keep going back & forth, and don't trust my computer not to crash!) In mist, I see a flair of burning red I know, the sun will follow very soon Behind my back, there is the fading moon Reminds me of my father, but he's dead How about this: In mist, I see a flair of burning red and know the sun will follow very soon. Behind my back, the swiftly-fading moon reminds me of my father - but he's dead. In this verse, I removed the comma after "I know" and then changed the 3rd line slightly to help that line and the next follow more naturally... I also inserted a dash before "but he's dead" to add emphasis to that sad phrase. One other suggestion might be to replace the "I" at the beginning of line 2 with "and" instead... By the way, I absolutely love your image of the rising sun - the mist, the flare of burning red - incredible, evocative - and a gorgeous start to this poem. He was a man of nature and so pure A man, who needed just few words to speak In showing feelings, he was very weak He was my father, I felt that for sure "He was a man of nature and so pure A man who needed so few words to speak In showing feelings, he was very weak - but he was my father, I felt that for sure" I am struggling with this verse - it's the 'pure/sure' rhyme that feels a bit forced to me. Are there other terms that might capture your awareness here, that even though he rarely shared his feelings of love - you knew it, without question? He was an artist and his world was paint He saw the beauty in the little things He taught me well, in how to spread my wings He was my father, but he was no saint "He was an artist and his world was paint He saw the beauty in the little things He taught me well to find and spread my wings He was my father - but he was no saint" As you can see, I changed line 3 a little for better 'grammar'! Again, I inserted a dash, in line 4 - obviously, just my own preference... And so in silence when I see the sun I like to think of him with lots of fun "And so in silence, when the day's begun It brings me happiness to see the rising sun." To me, the last 2 lines need to wrap it up - and I love that you end by watching the rising sun, and finding joy (fun?) by its beauty - and in the memories of your father. This is a beautiful piece... I hope that I didn't mangle your meaning - and obviously, what I've suggested is just that - a suggestion! Thank you for sharing this lovely work. It makes me think (as I said before) of my own father... who is aging. My memories of him already involve the scent of cedar and pine - until a few years ago, he loved to do carpentry, and grew building farmhouses with his own father. I can never smell fresh-cut wood without being reminded of his workshop... and the bandages he wore like badges on every finger! (we used to tease him about that!) Carol |
||
|
Titia Geertman Member Ascendant
since 2001-05-07
Posts 5182Netherlands |
Hi Carol, thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I see what you mean in some of your suggestions, but not all for they haven't the right amount of da dum's (need five of them). I think it always will be difficult for me due to English not being my native language. As Balladeer pointed out to me: I translate the Dutch, and I think he's right. Thanks again, one can always learn. Titia A rose is a rose is a rose...I guess... Want to use the pics on my website? Just send me a mail and I'll give you the link. [This message has been edited by Titia Geertman (01-20-2002 08:12 PM).] |
||
|
Titia Geertman Member Ascendant
since 2001-05-07
Posts 5182Netherlands |
I did change the poem a bit, due to grammarfaults. Here it is: In mist, I see a flair of burning red I know the sun will follow very soon When I look up there is a fading moon Reminds me of my father - who is dead He was a man of nature and so pure A man, who needed just few words to speak In showing feelings, he was very weak But the unspoken love, I felt for sure He was an artist and his world was paint He saw the beauty in the little things He taught me well, in how to spread my wings He was my father, but he was no saint Sweet memories are coming to my mind Such memories are never hard to find I think it's better this way. Titia Sorry for barging in like this, but I'm no good at giving critics, as I'm a Dutchie and still learning myself. A rose is a rose is a rose...I guess... |
||
|
Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Titia, Welcome to CA. And don't think you should not be here or should not give your opinions on other's work. I think we all must have a great deal of respect for anyone who writes so well in a second language. I look forward to your continued participation here. I have been following the progress of your sonnet in the workshop and now here. Each revision gets just a little better. I can see no major flaws as it stands now. There are a couple of places where you could possible improve the rhythmic feel (remember the da-dums) although it is not bad as is. Also, the punctuation could be improved a little. I do remember you saying you were having a hard time with that. If you don't mind, I'll take the liberty of suggesting some changes, using the cut and paste method. Please understand that these are just suggestions based on my opinions and I am not trying to rewrite your poem. I will use the latest version and underline my suggestions. In the first quatrain, Through mist, I see a flair of burning red And know the sun will follow very soon; When I look up I see a fading moon, Reminding me of Father - who is dead. I think you see the sunrise through rather than in the mist. Starting the second line with and seems to tie it better to the first. In the third line, "I see" makes a better iamb than "there is", to me anyway. Finally in the 4th line, I have again tried to tie it to the 3rd where the original seemed to separated. Also, in the last line, changing to reminding required dropping a syllable. This made father a name so I capitalized it. In the second quatrain, He was a man of nature and so pure, A man who needed so few words to speak; In showing feelings he was very weak But his unspoken love, I felt, for sure. I substituted "so" in the 2nd line and "his" in the 3rd, again because I felt they improved the iambic feel. Just punctuation in the 3rd quatrain. He was an artist and his world was paint, He saw the beauty in the little things, He taught me well in how to spread my wings -- He was my father but he was no saint. Finally, the couplet just gets some punctuation. Sweet memories are coming to my mind; Such memories are never hard to find. Very well done, my friend. I hope this helps. But please do feel perfectly free to ignore any of it that you don't like. Remember, it is all just my humble opinion. Also, I didn't discuss my punctuation here. If you have any questions as to why I did it this way, we can discuss that too. Thanks for sharing, Pete [This message has been edited by Not A Poet (01-22-2002 03:28 PM).] |
||
|
Titia Geertman Member Ascendant
since 2001-05-07
Posts 5182Netherlands |
Thanks Pete, my sonnet just needed that final touch. I agree with your suggestions. I don't always have much time and internetting is very costly for me (telephone is expensive overhere), but be sure I'll pop over in here once in a while. It's great to have so many friends who are willing to help me with my English. I'm learning quite a lot lately. Titia A rose is a rose is a rose...I guess... |
||
|
hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Titia- I think you did a pretty good job with this. Just a few comments: I really liked stanza 1 of the first version better- I think it packed more of a punch than the smoother-flowing revision... in my opinion, rough edges aren't always a bad thing. The "but he's dead" seemed more realistic... it's not pleasent... and telling someone (in this case, the reader) that your father is dead isn't necessarily a pleasant thing. The second stanza seemed a little weaker than the first- the rhymes seem, maybe not forced, but sort of non-cohesive. I mean, in one line, you say he needed few words to speak, which gives me the impression that he's expressive with body language- a glance of the eyes, a mannerism- but then in the next line you say he's not good at showing emotions... that clashed a little with me. Third stanza was very good. You're back to what you had in the beginning- strong, but not overbearing imagery... simplicity, but not boring ness. It has a bit of a folksy sound, and it mixes well with the images you choose to present. Just a side note (yes, this deserved its own paragraph..  ) I absolutely loved the image of the world being your fathers paints... most people portray the world as the finished product, and making the switch between that and showing it as the actual media was very clever. I would suggest going with the end couplet you use in the revision- the orginal is weak and sounds forced... the revised on, however, is natural, reflective, and a little melancholy... the only thing I wondered about was this- you call the memories sweet... but the actual content of the poem seems bittersweet... there are hints of negativity in the remembrance, and i wondered why that didn't pop up at the end. Overall, very good poem. Hope I've helped. "Maybe you don't like your job |
||
|
Titia Geertman Member Ascendant
since 2001-05-07
Posts 5182Netherlands |
Hi Hush, thanks for your comments. Some explanation: "a man, who needed just few words to speak, in showing feelings he was very weak" I was trying to say that he was a quiet man, didn't speak a lot. In showing feelings there were quite some contradictions. When he was leaving the room to go to his study, he never left without kissing my Mom and that could well be 3 or 4 times an evening. Yet, I've seen him show anger only once in my life. He kept a lot of feelings inside, but not in a negative way. Can't explain it very well. So, overall the poem has no negative feeling for me, that's why I only have sweet memories about him. Interesting, how different people see different things in a poem. I like that. Thanks again, Titia A rose is a rose is a rose...I guess... |
||
|
Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
quote: Now the second version, quote: I am curious. Which version is better, today? Obviously, I think the biggest problem is lack of tension (it's almos there and that's what makes it frustrating), but that's what I would say, isn't it? |
||
|
chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
How about using Dutchman in the last line, it rhymes with sun ? I like to think of him with lots of fun Maybe : I always think of him my loving Dutchman |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
