Hollow - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

Ian Llewellyn ap-Griffith
Member

since 2000-02-12

Posts 197
Cincinnati, Oh, U.S.A.

0 posted 2002-01-15 11:47 PM

This is the first finished draft. I always revise as I write but think this may need some input. Let me know what you think.
In the credit where credit is due collumn, this was inspired by a tale and artwork by Kelley Hensing. You can find some of her work at Wickiearts.com

Hollow

The seed fell on fertile ground
Rich with the loam of past regrets.
Watered by the tears of stillborn dreams,
It rooted.

The shoot was sickly and green.
The sapling had no love for the sun
But struggled toward it
To survive.

Over the years, it grew tall.
Its girth became vast.
Through the canopy of the forest
It arose.

Sprouting from a single seed,
It overshadowed the forest
Plunging its fellow trees
In darkness.

Wanting only to survive,
The forest gathered its forces
Plotted its actions
And rebelled.

The roots of the forest split the earth.
They whispered to one another,
And finding the cause of their shadow,
They acted.

Striking at the heart of this monstrosity
The forest fed on the tree’s marrow.
Now, tainted in its revenge,
It hungers.

Once, I heard the forest’s whispers
And quickly lost my way.
Now I search for release
In darkness

The old, great tree still stands.
Shards of bark fall from my fingers.
It feels just like me:
Hollow
This is a repost from CA #1

The noblest battles are always fought in vain
-Cyrano de Bergerac

mauddib
Member

since 2002-01-12

Posts 119
melbourne australia

1 posted 2002-01-16 02:27 AM

This is just to let you know that I like and have read this poem.
For constructive comments i will reserve for later on and I will return.
I love the topic
One small point, we know from the first stanza that there is one seed.
To repeat the imformation later on, i think the fourth stanza maybe superfluous slightly.

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

2 posted 2002-01-17 11:02 PM

I guess I found this a little dry.

This isn't an uncommon story- the underdog overcomes and stands taller than its peers. I think you could do something more interesting with it- I like the idea that it only goes to the sun because it wants to survive, and later on, the forest plots against it only because it wants to survive- I think you could play up on the survival idea some more, and flesh this out a bit.

Hope I've helped.

"I'm thinking about leaving tomorrow
I'm thinking about being on my own
I think I been wasting my time
I'm thinking about getting out"

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

3 posted 2002-01-25 04:19 PM

Two quick suggestions:

1. After the first person, show the growth from the seedling's point of view, use first person personification, it might create more tension than you have here.

2. Drop the 'me' part in the last stanza, that adds nothing except to tell us that this is a metaphor and we already know that.

thanks,
Brad

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.