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Critical Analysis #2
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mauddib
Member
since 2002-01-12
Posts 119
melbourne australia

0 posted 2002-01-14 06:55 AM



Habeus Corpus.

Without precedent,
I am stuck in court all day!
Being Judge.
Being Jury.
Being the executioner that makes good the deterent,
and keeps you clean in contempt.
As you idly stand.
Hands in pockets.
Jingling the lose change of your compassion at the beggar like a reward.
What is it you can't afford?
Sincerity?
As you nail me to the wood.



© Copyright 2002 greg connors - All Rights Reserved
hush
Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653
Ohio, USA
1 posted 2002-01-14 06:10 PM


I think this has a lot of potential to be a really cool poem. There aren't many poems I call 'cool'... take that as you will.

'Without precedent,
I am stuck in court all day!'

I think you could drop the exclamation and anchor the statement instead, with a good rhyme of day... it's a strong sound, and if you use a rhyme in the beginning part of the next thought, it would be a really good beginning.

'Being Judge.
Being Jury.'

I think you could find a stronger verb than 'being', and/or combine the thoughts... don't make Judge/Jury/executioner all seperate sentences. By the way, I think the fact that Judge and Jury are capitalized and executioner isn't is very interesting... are you trying to say that the executioner is insignificant in the big view of things, at least compared to Judge and Jury?

'Being the executioner that makes good the deterent,
and keeps you clean in contempt.'

I think this could be played with some. I like the 'clean in contempt' phrase, but I'm afraid I don't quite understand what you mean. Maybe you could expand on that?

'As you idly stand.
Hands in pockets.
Jingling the lose change of your compassion at the beggar like a reward.
What is it you can't afford?'

Really, really like this part, but I don't understand who exactly the beggar is supposed to be? Why would there be a beggar in a courtroom?

'Sincerity?
As you nail me to the wood.'

The end is kind of abrupt.... It just sort of rubs me the wrong way. I like the role reversal.. usually the poem is from the 'victim's' point of view, complaining about an unfair authority figure... very interesting turn of events in this. However, I think the comparison to Jesus is a little off... Jesus wasn't particularly known for judging people... if you could actually allude to an authority figure accused of something... think, what exact point do you want to drive home? Pick a person who personifies it, and allude to them.

Hope I've helped.

"I'm thinking about leaving tomorrow
I'm thinking about being on my own
I think I been wasting my time
I'm thinking about getting out"

Shou-Lao
Junior Member
since 2001-10-12
Posts 48

2 posted 2002-01-14 07:45 PM



I like it the way it is, there’s an ambiguity that I found fit the subject matter perfectly, of course it could be that I’m particularly dim and the ambiguity is caused simply by my inability to understand who the narrator is.

I took the narrator to be the legal representative, I could be wrong there’s an outside chance it’s the defendant or the judge but that just makes it more interesting. I found myself reading this ten times or more trying to find arguments one way or the other, which in a poem set in a courtroom seems pretty ironic and rather apt (this is a good thing).

The first two lines are brilliant:

Without precedent,
I am stuck in court all day!

Nice use of a legal term.

The contempt line is almost as good, (can the judge be in contempt?)

I took the ‘nailed me to the wood’ part to be equivalent to the opening, that the narrator is stuck in the mire of the situation, the possible dual meaning with reference to a martyr just reinforced that.

Shou-Lao
Junior Member
since 2001-10-12
Posts 48

3 posted 2002-01-15 05:04 PM



Then again it might just be a metaphor!

mauddib
Member
since 2002-01-12
Posts 119
melbourne australia
4 posted 2002-01-16 02:07 AM


Thanks for taking an interest.
This poem came about at a time when I felt like I was on trial.
But I knew that I too was to quick to judge others. Hence being judge and jury.
The keep clean in contempt line comes from those scenes outside of courtroom where convicted felons are hurled abuse from the maddening crowd, Have you seen them?
I took the view, maybe mistakenly, that there actions lacked sincerity, that this abuse was in affect self abuse,that purged there own guilt.
The nailing to the wood has two objuectives.
One where the martyr is introduced and in the nailing we are affixing that guilt.

Hope this makes sence, it was a long time ago
but poems a like photos, you can dig them out at any time and look at what you were like.
take care and God bless

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