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Critical Analysis #2
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morning- a complete renovation
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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morning- a complete renovation |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I woke up this morning much like I do every morning. We talked on the phone for nearly an hour, you explaining Ayn Rand ideals with a certain reverence; I, stretched on your side of my bed, riled up and full of counterpoints, our sunrise argument stretching until your phone went dead. After that I walked upstairs to pee. I gazed at my mismatched socks on the familiar intricacies of the pock-marked linoleum and listened to the arthritic clicking that was the sound of my dog’s claws announcing her customary arrival to greet me, her pink mushroom-shaped nose stuck against my cheek. The days are passing in a blur but that’s okay for now. I think about the way your hands describe me as they pass along my skin, our eyes settled into each other like Douglas Adams and my sense of humor. and afterward, the weight of your arm thrown carelessly across my side and I know that when we’re together I begin somewhere in the vicinity of where you end but I have no idea where either of those things are. I’ve pushed all the brainy thoughts out of my brain to make way for the ideas that curl my face into an unrepressed little smile; at this point denial wouldn’t do me any good. Sometimes I forget to think about these things. And our laughter ringing out, and the fact that our laughter rings instead of strains in tones no suburban housewife could feign, and how our friendship never ended (do you remember how we pretended, our “platonic friends forever” policy?) we just punctuate playful insults with kisses now. Isn’t it funny, the ten a.m. toilet-seat reveries I have? Half a sigh collects in my mouth and gathers your name in its arms, sweeping it out into my everyday world- those two syllables matter where a million others would not. Nobody else notices the magic of the dust motes in the blue light of snow-reflected sun, but I know I’ve exhaled you so much the air is thick with the way you tell me I’m lovely with your eyes and sexy with your hands. The days are passing in a blur but that’s okay for now. ----- A few specific questions: In the first half of the first stanza, is there an obvious correlation between stretched/stretching or does it just sound repetitive? Is the where you end I begin part too cliche? Is the last stanza (I mean last full stanza before the last two lines) too lovey-dovey? Does the repetition of eyes and hands work from the previous stanza? Does the use of the word sexy ruin the tone or somehow interrupt it? Does the repetition of "The days are passing in a blur/ but that's okay for now" work? Is it good repetition, or blow on the head with a hammer repetition? Thanks in advance for input. "I'm thinking about leaving tomorrow |
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| © Copyright 2002 hush - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
A true joy to read. I enjoyed the repetition and felt the style really captured/triggered the feeling you're striving for. I will say I found myself drifing about two/thirds of the way through, but I'm a little sluggish on sunny afternoons -- my fault, not yours. I think it has something to do with my daughter.  A great job, Brad |
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woodtic Member
since 2002-01-06
Posts 87 |
Dear hush sorry I don't have the moments right now to address all those Questions. I just wanted to say. Great. I caught visions probably my own but generated from yours that make me think like a poet I guess. Those little moments in life that we let fly by, they go so quick and add up to nothing if not savored. Even better when shared. Nice rewrite.! |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Actually Hush, I think overall I like the original better. It's true you have enhanced the imagery in this version but it now seems to border on wordy. It may be partly your explanation in the previous thread but I don't have a problem understanding the dog anymore. I still feel like a "pink mushroom-shaped nose" is a little incongruous with the idea of a big dog but it isn't a major disappointment now. Now, to try to answer some of your specific questions. I don't get any feeling of correlation between stretched and stretching but it does feel repetitive either. May be just me though. The part about I begin where you end doesn't seem cliche to me, probably because of the way you have worded it here. But then I do tend to accept some cliches where they aren't too blatant. I like the repetition of "The days are passing in a blur/ but that's okay for now." Sexy does not spoil it. It is a little jarring but probably no more so that peeing at the beginning. This is a "slice of life" scene and that is pretty much how we think and see things. Ok then, this is one opinion. Thanks, Pete |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Pete, Ya gotta be kiddin' me. If you have the time, can you defend that remark? My time off gave me some time and reflect on poetry here and elsewhere on the net. I think we spend far too much time writing minimalist pieces and not enough time writing engaging poetry. Perhaps it is wordy but I'd rather have wordy than one more generalization. thanks, Brad |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
hush-- i thought this was much stronger than the first version, a very enjoyable read. to answer your questions: stretched and stretching did seem a little repetitive to me. "I begin somewhere in the vicinity of where you end" did not come across as cliche, perhaps because the piece is otherwise very thoroughly grounded. repetition of hands and eyes was not a problem. "sexy" didn't necessarily ruin the tone or interrupt anything; i do think, though, that those two lines (the "sexy" line and the one before) could be tightened up a little. the repetition of "days passing in a blur" was good repetition, not a hammer in sight, lol. a few other things? how does douglas adams (or anyone else, for that matter) "settle into" one's sense of humor? what do you mean by that? the phrase "the fact that our laughter rings instead of strains / in tones no suburban housewife could feign" seemed a little awkward to me. first of all, "the fact that" is wordy; it can almost always be reduced to simply "that" ("and that our laughter rings instead of strains", e.g.). the word "feign" also seems wrong here, but more bothersome is the rather sudden slap to suburban housewives, something i don't think the poem has established a context for. up to that point, the speaker is simply describing her reverie; then suddenly, that line. it comes across like maybe the speaker is, perhaps, jealous of what the suburban housewife represents, of the place the suburban housewive holds in our culture or something; the speaker knows she does not have this, and perhaps while on one level that's fine, she doesn't want it, she nonethless feels some insecurity on this point. she is not content to note the difference and simply say hey, that's cool, what i have is pretty good, and it works for me; instead she says, in effect, i have something better than them, in fact those pitiful suburban housewives can't even pretend to come close. spelling it all out like this makes it seem like i'm reading way too much into it, which perhaps i am, lol; i do appreciate that the actual effect of the line is much more subtle. i guess what i'm saying is it interjected a little note of catty superiority to the piece; it sets up this straw person, the stereotypical suburban housewive, only to immediately knock her down again. (i'm not a suburban housewife, btw, lol; i'm single and live in the city, lol.) the whole notion that suburban housewives live these drab, passion-less, empty lives with no "ringing laughter" is kind of cliche anyway, don't you think? so...lol...you might want to think about revisiting those lines. just a suggestion, of course. moving the blue light stuff to the end of the piece and expanding on it was brilliant, good job on that. there's my thoughts... i'll shut up now. thanks again for a great read. jenni |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I want to thank everyone for the continued advice on this. I did a little tweaking- it's not enough for me to bother posting it all... the two major things I cahnged were: The Douglas Adams line became "like The Guide and a long day at school." Maybe that conveys what I meant a little bit better? Oh, and Jenni, I dropped the suburban housewife bit... you're right- it was overkill, and more importantly, detracted from rather than emphasized my point. Thanks everyone. "I'm thinking about leaving tomorrow |
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punksmurf Junior Member
since 2002-01-01
Posts 37new hampshire, U.S. |
NO!!you can't change any of it! especially not Douglas Adams! if no one understands how he can become part of your sense of humor, you obviously need to read all of the books again. all of the parts of your poem that you questioned were fine, all of it was fine, sometime being wordy is good, it's better thatn having nothing to say, and hush, you pull it off grandly. the poem is finely crafted and well put, leave it as is. "the worst part/ was hitting the ground/ not the feeling/ so much as the sound" |
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C? Member
since 2001-12-29
Posts 190 |
I read this poem a long time ago and I thought I commented on it, I guess not! first of all, its pretty safe to say that this is, in my opinion, one of the 3 best poems I've ever seen on this site, pretty much everything about its tone, theme, and phrasing is wicked awesome. the Douglas Adams thing? I think I like the new line for it, I mean, you still got in your reference to The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, so it works out nicely. thats all I have to say... |
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