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The Train
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The Train |
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kitkat Senior Member
since 2000-01-11
Posts 878Nova Scotia 
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I do not often come to this forum but I wrote this the other night. I think it may be lacking somethin...All feedback would be appreciated... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Train In the early morning hours I’m restless unable to sleep In the distance I hear the eerie sound of a ghostly wail . Moving through the darkness with one eye upon its path listening as it draws near Goose bumps upon my skin My imagination running wild From where did it come and where shall it go does it come as friend or foe This large beast in the night slithers onward I start to drift into sleep dreams fill my mind I am one with this beast traveling at its side My imagination running wild. 03-29-01 |
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| © Copyright 2001 Kathy Harmon - All Rights Reserved | |||
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kcsgrandma Senior Member
since 2000-09-24
Posts 1522Presque Isle, ME |
Hi! Nice to see you here. (I'm half bluenose myself.  ) I like this. The only thing I would change is the title, which kind of gives it away. To love another person is to see the face of God. |
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Songbird Member Elite
since 1999-12-15
Posts 2184Missouri |
I really like this and since you asked for a critique I will give you mine for what it is worth. I think the rythum and a few words changes help. Like I said I think this is a good poem and I can relate to it as I used to live right next to a train track for 20 years. Title suggestion "I Am One With the Beast" In the early morning hour I'm restless unable to sleep In the distance I hear the eerie sound Of a ghostly wail Moving through the darkness With one eye upon its path Listening as it draws near Goose bumps travel down my back While my imagination jumps the track From where did it come And where will it go Does it come as friend or foe Drifting off to sleep Dreams fill my mind I am one with the roaring beast [This message has been edited by Songbird (edited 03-31-2001).] |
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kitkat Senior Member
since 2000-01-11
Posts 878Nova Scotia |
Thanks kscgrandma I thought a different titile would be good too. Songbird-Thank-you for taking the time to review my poem I Like the changes and really like the title, your suggestion were appreciated :-). |
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