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Sea Haiku
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Sea Haiku |
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Moon Dust
since 1999-06-11
Posts 2177Skelmersdale, UK |
Motionfull wonder, Give way to the sands of time, Forefill your destiny. What I write and others read is your own experiance and perceptions. |
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| © Copyright 2000 Moon Dust - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Dennis L. White Senior Member
since 2000-02-17
Posts 1463Michigan, U.S.A. |
Maria, Interesting work here, perhaps you should check spelling and syllable count though! Dennis :^) Moonbeams radiate When the veiling cloud has past Playful shadows dance Dennis L. White :^) |
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dgvarner Member Elite
since 2000-05-13
Posts 3552High Springs, Florida |
maria..i'm really liking this...but i have to admit, it had me chking my thesaurus with dennis...mind if i make a few suggestions?? perhaps: motions of wonder give way to the sands of time fulfill your destiny (last line still 1 syllable too many..but didnt want to chng it too much  ..could say: "claim your destiny" or something?)or does that change what you were trying to say?? this is how i read it.. hugs, dg < !signature--> "Half of what i say is meaningless; but i say it so that the other half may reach you." -Kahlil Gibran [This message has been edited by dgvarner (edited 09-07-2000).] |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
Maria,i like the thoughts contained within the haiku and i believe dgvarner's comments will polish this into an even better haiku |
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Moon Dust
since 1999-06-11
Posts 2177Skelmersdale, UK |
Dennis, Dgvarner - I didnt see that, Thanks for pointing it out. And I like that last line "claim your destiny" I'm keeping it Kaile - Thanks, I think it is better too What I write and others read is your own experiance and perceptions. |
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dgvarner Member Elite
since 2000-05-13
Posts 3552High Springs, Florida |
maria..so happy i could be of some help..glad you didnt mind hugs, dg "i'm growing/ i dont like it/ i'm growing and it hurts/ i love you/ but i'm tired/ i guess i've got a lot to learn..." -w. watson |
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Marge Tindal
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384Florida's Foreverly Shores |
Maria~ Your thoughts were beautiful ... a little polish from a friend and now They're GORGEOUS ! Motion of wonder Give way to the sands of time Claim your destiny Keep writing them and perfecting them. Haiku and Senryu and wonderfully artistic expressions. ~*Marge*~ ~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~ noles1@totcon.com |
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