Personification of Evening

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Swåmp¤Faerÿie
Member

since 2000-03-29

Posts 358
Illinois

0 posted 2000-05-09 11:23 PM

There i stood with death at my feet.
Before me the Hesperus shone like Aventurine under meridies sun.
Over the narrow comb of the valley vert i gazed.
Only to be dazzled by her mystic beauty.
She walked through out the valley,gathering Charlock in a sweet reed basket.
Her stature was tall & broad,her hair like blackest samite with levin brand strands flowing through it.
Her gown of purple silken stuff more royal that the fairest faeryie queen.
Her feet & shoulders were bare,for the day was kind & the weather fine.
She did not veiw me & i was unseen.
I watched her weave her way along the feild,stopping here & yet there to pluck some flower from it's vine. She wove king cups & sprigs of summer into a curious carcanet for her head.
I watched her leave the valley slowly.
I said no word to her in greeting,nay,she knew not of my presence.
I wished not for the silence to be broken,or the moment banished, so i let her leave & watched her go,delighting in her beauty.

¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤
FIRST POEM WITHOUT RHYME!! YAY!! LOL....so help me out here,this is my first one and i think it's a little windy....maybe because of the old english,but anyhow...any ideas on improving would be greatly appreciated!!

And there she weaves by night and day,
a magic web of colours gay.~Tennyson

Broken_Winged_Angel
Senior Member

since 2000-04-06

Posts 994
Small Town, Somewhere

1 posted 2000-05-10 01:49 AM

I like it how it is...

But that's my opinion.

I awake to a world I don't want. There is no transition for me. I am in heaven. I am in hell.

Jon Mewett
Senior Member

since 2000-03-04

Posts 1304

2 posted 2000-05-10 10:37 AM

I agree with BWA on this one swampola.

You painted a fine picture here.

Jon

Swåmp¤Faerÿie
Member

since 2000-03-29

Posts 358
Illinois

3 posted 2000-05-15 03:09 PM

Awww come on people i need some suggestion,obviously this isn't a real fetching poem!! But thank you Very much Angel and Jon for your comments =P

swampie

And there she weaves by night and day,
a magic web of colours gay.~Tennyson

Alle'cram
Senior Member

since 2000-02-28

Posts 1816
Texas

4 posted 2000-05-16 10:02 AM

Swamp, I loved this. This is the first piece I have read of yours and I watched the scene unfold with each line. Terrific presentation,
easy read and a nice love story!

epoet
Member

since 2000-05-11

Posts 291
grand rapid,MI, usa

5 posted 2000-05-16 10:32 AM

awesome poem swamp. Love the old english and the way you put this together. Really heartfelt.

Wobbly Head Bob
Member

since 2000-05-15

Posts 299
Virginia, USA

6 posted 2000-05-16 11:19 AM

Beautiful work, Swampee! The pictures are lovely, the imagery eye candy for sure. The only suggestions I have are either to shorten some lines, or insert more breaks, in order to trim it up a bit. It becomes quite strange to read fairly short lines, and then stumble onto one that stretches the length of the screen. I did though really love this poem, the not-rhyming really worked and pictures painted MORE than made up for it.

Swåmp¤Faerÿie
Member

since 2000-03-29

Posts 358
Illinois

7 posted 2000-05-18 02:33 PM

Thanks everybody!!!!!!

And thanks so much for the suggestion Bob!! Will do!! Thanks for takin' the time to give me a little tip =]

swampius maximus

And there she weaves by night and day,
a magic web of colours gay.~Tennyson

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