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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296
Purgatorial Incarceration

0 posted 2000-04-22 05:18 AM


For me at least! I'm playing around with some ideas and these wierd rhyme schemes seem to keep jumping out at me!!!

Hollow River


Standing lone in a hollow river
Feeling dreams of faith flow by.
He reaches up high in feathered flight
Whil'st transient hopes imply;

That the softness of the morning,
Mourns of death knells and decay.
That whispers of a warning,
Warn of madness not delayed.

Where the rush of his fevered peace,
-Pieces torn from blinded eyes-
Bears proof of a love deceased...
Ceases to see why he tries.

He knows love will overcome,
Come over and change his mind.
She will see his heart's for one,
Won only when left behind.

But when soul-felt thoughts have passed,
Past memories will return.
Shut down his hopes, lightning fast,
Fast lighting his heartache's burn.

Standing lone in a hollow river
Feeling dreams of faith flow by,
Stranding his wings, crumbling 'neath the pain
Kneeling in the water... dry.





[This message has been edited by Christopher (edited 04-22-2000).]

© Copyright 2000 C.G. Ward - All Rights Reserved
ESP
Member Elite
since 2000-01-25
Posts 2556
Floating gently on a cloud....
1 posted 2000-04-22 07:44 AM


This is really good...hats off to you for venturing into the unknown and trying something new!!

Love and hugs,
Lizzie


Elizabeth Santos
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269
Pennsylvania
2 posted 2000-04-22 09:39 AM


You perform such magic moments
Moments sweet as mountain dew
Few poets could so bestow scents
So meant to our minds imbrue

You make words emit such sweetness
Bleakest night becomes perfume
Gloom turns into soul’s completeness
Sweet nasturtium to consume

Liz

Gene
Senior Member
since 2000-01-23
Posts 935
Colorado, USA
3 posted 2000-04-22 05:23 PM


Oh, thanks a lot Liz, now how am I supposed to follow that?  
---

Chris,

This is great stuff. I like the wordplay.  

~Gene


PrincessPoet
Member
since 2000-04-15
Posts 133
Long Beach, Calif.
4 posted 2000-04-22 08:31 PM



Well, Gosh:
Liz said, it all  
But, I enjoy your Style
Reminds me of
Robert Frost
I believe the dust of his spirit was blown onto U


 Your failures in life come from not realizing your nearness to success when you give up.
-Yoruba Proverb

Poetry & Friendship,
PrincessPoet


Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648

5 posted 2000-04-22 08:55 PM


Fabulous writing, Chris. I really like this style!

Denise

Marge Tindal
Deputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384
Florida's Foreverly Shores
6 posted 2000-04-22 09:28 PM


Christopher~
I like the playing you do.
Your rhyme schemes delight me.
I admire the things you write
and your talent always shines through.
Love ya'
~*Marge*~


 ~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~
noles1@totcon.com


poetFemmeFatale
Member Elite
since 1999-07-25
Posts 2646
Arkansas
7 posted 2000-04-23 11:20 PM


Oh man oh man Chris...the last stanza made me want to grab a Kleenex!  It had such POWER - and yet was screaming so subtle.  Nice way to wrap it up...the title itself was fabulous.  Hey....pssst...BTW, there's a poem in Open for you...we found you a girl.     Hope you like her, heck, I  KNOW you do!  Gotta Jet!  ........................
Cassanova
Junior Member
since 2000-04-12
Posts 39
Turlock, Ca.
8 posted 2000-04-24 04:22 PM


Holy...
This rocks dude!!! I love the internal rhyming scheme... I think that's the first time I've seen the first words of a line rhyme as well as the last! And not to mention, the wordplay between lines! I am awed my friend!


Jason

Skyfyre
Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906
Sitting in Michael's Lap
9 posted 2000-05-02 11:44 PM


I marked this in my favorites the first time I read it, thinking that I would find the time to go back and reply -- sorry it took me so long ...

Anyway, I'd like to say first that I like what you tried to do with this ... I know that regular meter and rhyme are not your favorite things in the world, and I've no doubt it took a great deal of effort on your part to avoid lapsing into the freeverse that you are so disgustingly good at -- LOL.

This piece has some strong moments, and some not so strong ... a few places where I was really impressed:

He reaches up high in feathered flight
Whil'st transient hopes imply;


She will see his heart's for one,
Won only when left behind.


The carrying-over of the end-words was very ambitious, and well done for the most part -- you managed not to make it sound forced (no small feat with such an intricate pattern).  I also liked the way you began and ended on more or less the same note, expounding further in the last stanza ...

Overall, not bad in the least for a foray into something with a complicated structure -- you are getting better in this area, m'friend ...  

--Me




 Full fathom five thy father lies,
Of his bones are coral made,
Those are pearls that were his eyes;
Nothing of him that doth fade
But doth suffer a sea-change
Into something rich and strange...


--William Shakespeare, from The Tempest


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