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Passions in Poetry

A Sunset

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ESP
Member Elite
since 01-25-2000
Posts 2574
Floating gently on a cloud....


0 posted 04-19-2000 03:21 PM       View Profile for ESP   Email ESP   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for ESP

Sunset

Fiery red and golden colours blaze across the eastern skies,
As though painted in with the sure, swift stroke
Of an artistís hand.
The clouds go through a hundred shades of brilliance
Trying to decide which best adorns them.
Then, in the blink of an eye,
The sun sinks below the horizon...
Once vivid colours fade into the pale violet hues
Of a twilight sky.


(Hey all, this is my first attempt at a short poem like this....is it ok?)


†"Poetry is the true expression of my soul, it is my ultimate means of communication. It is my rainbow of delight."


Ok, here is where I start to work on my lil poem and smooth out the bumps!!

Fiery red and golden colours
Blaze across the eastern skies,
Painted in with the sure, swift stroke
Of an artistís hand.
The clouds dance through a hundred shades of brilliance
Trying to decide which best adorns them.
Then the day comes gently to a close,
As the sun sinks below the horizon...
Once vivid colours fade into the pale violet hues
Of a twilight sky.
-------------------------------

Is that better, Lynne? Hey all of you, what do you think now? Thanks for the tips, Lynne! Much appreciated!!




[This message has been edited by ESP (edited 04-20-2000).]
© Copyright 2000 ESP - All Rights Reserved
PrincessPoet
Member
since 04-15-2000
Posts 133
Long Beach, Calif.


1 posted 04-19-2000 03:37 PM       View Profile for PrincessPoet   Email PrincessPoet   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for PrincessPoet


ESP Hi!
     Yes, I like this, It stays true to its theme; good descriptive usage.
I probably would of used the three-three line stanzas though.
I think sunsets are artistic also.


 You failures in life come from not realizing your nearness to success when you give up.
-Yoruba Proverb

Poetry & Friendship,
PrincessPoet
Lonely Shadow
Member
since 03-14-2000
Posts 135
Virginia


2 posted 04-19-2000 03:42 PM       View Profile for Lonely Shadow   Email Lonely Shadow   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Lonely Shadow's Home Page   View IP for Lonely Shadow

Hey ESP... this a very lovely poem.  You couldn't describe it's beauty any better    

†To find love is to know true happiness... to lose love is to lose everything



[This message has been edited by Lonely Shadow (edited 04-19-2000).]
Honeybee
Member Ascendant
since 12-26-1999
Posts 5512
Ontario, CANADA


3 posted 04-19-2000 05:20 PM       View Profile for Honeybee   Email Honeybee   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Honeybee

What a beautiful sunset that you paint with your words.  Your poem is a work of art itself! I don't agree with princess poet's three lined stanzas suggestion, the flow is perfect just the way it is. I look forward to more poetry by you.

Take care,
Melissa Honeybee  
kaile
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Ascendant
since 02-06-2000
Posts 5323
singapore


4 posted 04-19-2000 06:21 PM       View Profile for kaile   Email kaile   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for kaile

what a delightful picture of sunset you paint here,ESP ")

how about describing the sheer beauty of a sunrise? ")LOL
Yu Lan
Senior Member
since 04-13-2000
Posts 1486
New Zealand


5 posted 04-19-2000 07:59 PM       View Profile for Yu Lan   Email Yu Lan   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Yu Lan

Aah, a sunset.. ^^
I love to watch the sunset, and rise.. so beautiful, and your words are a sunset, in themselves.. ^_^ a beautiful poem, and for a first atempt, I would say, absolutely outstanding. ^^

One thing, I think perhaps it may fit better, sound more.. alive, if you wrote..

Fiery red and golden colours,
Blaze across the eastern skies, (so, cut the line in half here)
Painted with the sure, swift stroke (take out the "as though" and the "in" here)
Of an artistís hand.
The clouds dance through a hundred shades of brilliance (perhaps change the word 'go' to something else.. not necessarily 'dance', but the word 'GO' is just not quite the right word to describe th grace with which a sunset changes.. in my opinion anyway.)
Trying to decide which best adorns them.
Then, in the blink of an eye, (in the blink of an eye? is it really that fast??m.. I think perhaps this cliche does not fit here, because a sunset is anything BUT a cliche, and .. is slow and gentle.. not quick like that.. so perhaps delete this line? And add a word to the beginning of the next line to make it fit?)
The sun sinks below the horizon...
Once vivid colours fade into the pale violet hues
Of a twilight sky. (aah, perfect ending..   )

Well, these are just some suggestiond from me, as to how u could possibly improve a good poem.. but, just my opinion, ok? ^_^ thank you for this poem, a lovely account of a lovely occurance. ^_^
Take my criticism as a compliment, because I only criticise poetry I think has a lot of potential to be a stunning piece of work. ^_^ I definitly think this one could get there ^_^

Lynne  




[This message has been edited by Yu Lan (edited 04-19-2000).]
twinsgd
Member
since 02-13-2000
Posts 416
Ontario,Canada


6 posted 04-19-2000 08:52 PM       View Profile for twinsgd   Email twinsgd   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for twinsgd

Pure and simple and beautiful Lizzie.
Much of the attraction of what we read here is because most of the poems are by ordinary people writing about what they see and feel in their own words.
Your words are great.

Jack
Joannak
Member
since 03-11-2000
Posts 121
Indiana, USA


7 posted 04-19-2000 09:10 PM       View Profile for Joannak   Email Joannak   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Joannak

Like it?  Oh, no doubt about it, ESP, it is a delight to read.  You paint a beautiful sunset.

Joanna
Joannak
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since 03-11-2000
Posts 121
Indiana, USA


8 posted 04-19-2000 09:10 PM       View Profile for Joannak   Email Joannak   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Joannak

Like it?  Oh, no doubt about it, ESP, it is a delight to read.  You paint a beautiful sunset.

Joanna


 What better way to become immortal than to wake up each day and write? Ray Bradbury


achicade
Member
since 04-02-2000
Posts 66
Marietta, GA USA


9 posted 04-19-2000 11:03 PM       View Profile for achicade   Email achicade   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit achicade's Home Page   View IP for achicade

AWESOME DESCRIPTION!  I LOVE IT!  )
Denise
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since 08-22-99
Posts 23002


10 posted 04-20-2000 01:56 PM       View Profile for Denise   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Denise

Beautiful sunset, Lizzie! I do like Lynne's suggestions for it too.

Denise
ESP
Member Elite
since 01-25-2000
Posts 2574
Floating gently on a cloud....


11 posted 04-20-2000 02:41 PM       View Profile for ESP   Email ESP   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for ESP

Yeah Denise, I think Lynne's suggestions are good too...once I have replied to all of the poems in the pub(not many left now), I shall go and recraft it a little!

Thanks for replying everyone and to Lynne for her excellent critique on it!

Love and hugs,
Lizzie



 "Poetry is the true expression of my soul, it is my ultimate means of communication. It is my rainbow of delight."
Pepper
Member Elite
since 08-19-99
Posts 3134
Southern Florida

Official Passions Reader
12 posted 04-21-2000 10:48 AM       View Profile for Pepper   Email Pepper   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Pepper

Wonderful imagery ... I enjoyed looking at the sunset through your eyes, Lizzie .......

 "This is where you will win the battle .... in the playhouse of your mind."
Maxwell Maltz
JOY 14
Senior Member
since 09-22-1999
Posts 1447
Wisconsin USA


13 posted 04-21-2000 12:58 PM       View Profile for JOY 14   Email JOY 14   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit JOY 14's Home Page   View IP for JOY 14

Yeah, I agree, this was lovely.  It amazes me how nature can fool us by giving our eyes a sunset to feast upon, until that is, it fades as quickly as it appears. I enjoy those sunset moments.  

Joy
tom
Member
since 01-26-2000
Posts 92
s/w penna u.s.a.


14 posted 04-21-2000 01:39 PM       View Profile for tom   Email tom   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for tom

ESP
Nice little poem.
The only thing is sunsets are in the western sky.

 I dreamed I was a dreamer in a dream


Dennis L. White
Senior Member
since 02-17-2000
Posts 1462
Michigan, U.S.A.


15 posted 04-21-2000 01:50 PM       View Profile for Dennis L. White   Email Dennis L. White   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Dennis L. White

Esp,
  What direction does the sun set in your neighborhood? LOL I loved your imagery!
Dennis :^)

ESP
Member Elite
since 01-25-2000
Posts 2574
Floating gently on a cloud....


16 posted 04-21-2000 02:46 PM       View Profile for ESP   Email ESP   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for ESP

  Er...coulda sworn I put west...*smacks forehead*, I'll change it right after I change my shoes to the right feet!! Sorry all!

Love and hugs,
Lizzie



 "Poetry is the true expression of my soul, it is my ultimate means of communication. It is my rainbow of delight."
Gene
Senior Member
since 01-23-2000
Posts 940
Colorado, USA


17 posted 04-21-2000 02:51 PM       View Profile for Gene   Email Gene   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Gene's Home Page   View IP for Gene

It's still absolutely beautiful, Lizzie--no matter where the sun sets.

~Gene
ESP
Member Elite
since 01-25-2000
Posts 2574
Floating gently on a cloud....


18 posted 04-21-2000 03:14 PM       View Profile for ESP   Email ESP   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for ESP

Thanks Gene!!

Love and hugs,
Lizzie



 "Poetry is the true expression of my soul, it is my ultimate means of communication. It is my rainbow of delight."
Yu Lan
Senior Member
since 04-13-2000
Posts 1486
New Zealand


19 posted 04-22-2000 02:15 AM       View Profile for Yu Lan   Email Yu Lan   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Yu Lan

Hehe, didn't notice that, tom ^_^ of course u r right

Well!! ^_^ that is lovely, Lizzie! ^_^

Yeah, I really like the line you put in place of "In the blink of an eye" it is so... graceful. ^_^

well, I am glad u apreciated my comments, I was not sure if you would, but I only critique a poem if I believe it is worth it! ^_^ wow, this is a truly beautiful poem, Lizzie ^_^ hehe, yeah, eastern.. it does set in the west.. I didn't notice that ^_^

Lynne
passing shadows
Member Empyrean
since 08-26-99
Posts 46297
displaced


20 posted 12-25-2004 10:41 AM       View Profile for passing shadows   Email passing shadows   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for passing shadows

beautiful
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