a haiku with a question - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

The Corner Pub

a haiku with a question

heng
New Member

since 2000-03-25

Posts 5

0 posted 2000-03-26 02:57 AM

Orange glow on clouds
Colourful bridge links the sky
A haze blocks my sight

Q:did i do this right?is this powerful enough?or should i revise it for the better?Do u interpret
"haze" as a metaphor or literally?

Poet deVine

Administrator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-05-26

Posts 22612
Hurricane Alley

1 posted 2000-03-26 09:15 AM

I see the use of 'haze' as a literal word.

Denise

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-08-22

Posts 22648

2 posted 2000-03-26 02:10 PM

I took the word literally too. As to whether you should revise it to make it more powerful, that depends on what you were aiming for I suppose. It is beautiful just the way it is in my opinion!

Denise

Gene
Senior Member

since 2000-01-23

Posts 935
Colorado, USA

3 posted 2000-03-26 05:19 PM

heng, This is great.

I'd leave it just the way it is. I see "haze," literally, as a haiku should be a moment frozen in time from something that sparks your attention. I see "colorful bridge" as either a beautiful sunrise/sunset or a rainbow.

Haiku were traditionally written to go along with a simple painting that captures a moment. You've probably seen many of these on the walls of Asian restaurants. I think you have painted a beautiful image.

Also, I realize that you may have been thinking of a haze that blocks your sight as a metaphor, but haze can be a beautiful thing. Many artists deliberately add haze for the ethereal effect.

~Gene

[This message has been edited by u_gene (edited 03-26-2000).]

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.