Message to the Dead - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

Mrobi3543
Junior Member

since 2000-03-12

Posts 29
Philadelphia, PA

0 posted 2000-03-12 06:54 PM

Message to the Dead -

You're gone now, no longer can you rehash the wounds

I have so many scars, all from battles lost

I can say, however, I am winning the war

I WILL win the war

Though...perhaps there will be no more war

Your death may have brought truce

Mixed emotions awaken in me at the thought of you

I feel sadness, anger, shame, lack of meaning

Sadness because you will now, most certainly, not give me what I need

There were very few occasions of happiness in you that I've witnessed,

they'll never occur again

Sadness in the void that is left where a person once was

In the past, anger was the prevailing and guiding emotion,

but that has changed to understanding, forgiveness, and acceptance

No matter the multitude or size of the scars,

I AM a better and stronger person for having known you

I do not hate you, I have hated you and prayed for your demise

I'll admit today that I do not wish you were gone

As much as I'm too proud to admit it,

you were the most influential person in my life

It's almost silly for me to hate you, for hating you is hating myself

In so many ways do I see you in myself...actions...vocabulary...thought processes

I love myself too much to hate you

You are the creation of one of the most meaningful friendships in my life

I forever have a friend in the only other person who knows my battles and scars almost first hand

Not certain if he chose sides, but he surely can relate

You have haunted me long before your death

You will haunt me no longer

I will feel no more shame

I realize now that it was not ME who had the problem

it was YOU...you WERE the problem

I closed my door to you emotionally almost 20 years ago,

but you, on occasion, found a back door...an open window

I can open my doors now, the seasons are changing

My mourning process has taken some 20 odd years,

but your death last month has ended my grief

As harsh or callous as that may sound, it is completely warranted

No one will tell me I am wrong or evil for my feelings

No one will understand the pain I've been through...always wanting

always needing to understand why or how one person could be so rotten to a child

Please don't misunderstand, you did have your moments

They were few and far between

So far between that I often wondered, although I knew in my heart,

am I good person...do I have meaning?

I do have meaning, I am a good person

My life is evidence of this

I live my life for me, it may have been only half-living

Now you're dead

I can live my life fully

I've concluded that the war is over,

now is the time to clean up the wounded and dead.

I've conceded there are no real winners in war, just those left standing

Good bye

Denise

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-08-22

Posts 22648

1 posted 2000-03-12 09:24 PM

Many mixed emotions, I'm sure, can come with mistreatment of a child. Very sad that these situations exist. This is an excellent poem on the subject.

Denise

Mrobi3543
Junior Member

since 2000-03-12

Posts 29
Philadelphia, PA

2 posted 2000-03-12 09:51 PM

Thanks Denise,

It's something that I've been dealing with for most of my 25 years on earth. I appreciate your comments.

Mike

Jenni6478
Junior Member

since 2000-03-12

Posts 11

3 posted 2000-03-13 06:30 PM

mike....i am not you and have not been through all the experiences you have been through....but i feel how you feel because parents influence practically everything you do....i understand some things ...maybe more than you think
jenn

Sasikat
Member

since 2000-02-02

Posts 290
St. Petersburg, FL

4 posted 2000-03-13 07:42 PM

Mike,

I certainly have compassion for the many emotions expressed here. Mistreatment and abuse is a permanently scarring experience for the victim. This is well written. I hope your scars fade in time.

Sheila

childomine
Senior Member

since 2000-01-25

Posts 818
st. petersburg, FL

5 posted 2000-03-13 07:52 PM

Mike - what conflicting emotions you have over this person. It's amazing isn't it, how you can continue to war with yourself over someone who was not good to you or for you?? Believe me, although the situations were different, I can relate to the explosion of conflicting emotions. This is a good letter, something that will help you to move on with the healing process. I wish you strength and peace on your journey.
Kim

[This message has been edited by childomine (edited 03-13-2000).]

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.