How to Join Member's Area Private Library Search Today's Topics p Login
Main Forums Discussion Tech Talk Mature Content Archives
   Nav Win
 Main Forums
 Holiday Cheer
 Revised: Hope
 1 2 3 4 5
Follow us on Facebook

 Moderated by: Poet deVine   (Admins )

 
User Options
Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Create a Greeting Card with this Poem
Admin Print Send ECard
Passions in Poetry

Revised: Hope (Dec 2002)

 Post A Reply Post New Topic   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
aries_luv_ppl
Senior Member
since 09-20-2001
Posts 1479
Universal Mind


0 posted 12-22-2002 12:24 AM       View Profile for aries_luv_ppl   Email aries_luv_ppl   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions   Click to visit aries_luv_ppl's Home Page   View IP for aries_luv_ppl

The windows are wrapped with cotton snow.
The lights are rainabows in my room.
Something is missing from the house-
A Christmas tree, a Christmas tree
And all the presents under the Christmas tree.

We can't afford to buy a little fig,
So I buy a little decorative tree,
And put up some socks on the window
For my  l i t t l e  ba-bies.

Together we make some wishes
And put them all in the socks,
Waiting Jesus, the real Santa,
To make a Christmas a real home-
F o r  l o v i n g  a n d  c a r i n g.
In dreams, we wish to hear from you,
And thank you for
All the care
You've shown during the past year.

//I put it in open poetry forum 24 but nobody seem to care, so I'm putting it here, to see if it is really bad.

Eliza Simmons
~Sometimes when I look back at what I wrote, I don't recognize the 'Me' in the past anymore.


[This message has been edited by aries_luv_ppl (12-22-2002 06:36 PM).]

© Copyright 2002 Eliza Simmons - All Rights Reserved
OtherSideOfTheMirror
Member
since 12-19-2002
Posts 251


1 posted 12-22-2002 12:35 AM       View Profile for OtherSideOfTheMirror   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for OtherSideOfTheMirror

I care.

I think you have an idea, but you need to apply it with more of a poetic not really THEME but like, some sort of trend in the writing. It needs to flow. In the beginning its really good but in the middle it's less solid. I like the idea and I think you're going places with it, but maybe rethink it and change around some things. Only suggestions of course... and I always encourage reading it aloud.

I love poems. Thanks for sharing.

-OtherSideOfTheMirror
aries_luv_ppl
Senior Member
since 09-20-2001
Posts 1479
Universal Mind


2 posted 12-22-2002 05:12 PM       View Profile for aries_luv_ppl   Email aries_luv_ppl   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit aries_luv_ppl's Home Page   View IP for aries_luv_ppl

thanks for your comment I appreciated it. Merry Christmas!

Eliza Simmons
~Sometimes when I look back at what I wrote, I don't recognize the 'Me' in the past anymore.

Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 05-26-99
Posts 25869
Hurricane Alley


3 posted 12-22-2002 06:07 PM       View Profile for Poet deVine   Email Poet deVine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Poet deVine

I think it's good. There is a power in formatting that a lot of people don't understand. I hope you don't mind, but this is your poem, formatted in a different way:

~~~~

The windows are wrapped with cotton snow.
The lights are rainbows in my room.
Something is missing from the house-
A Christmas tree,
a Christmas tree

all the presents under the Christmas tree.
We can't afford to buy a little tree,
So I buy a little decorative tree,
And put up some socks
On the window
For my little babies.

Together we make some wishes
And put them all in the socks,
Waiting Jesus,
the real Santa,
To make a Christmas a real home
For loving and caring.
In dreams we wish to hear from you,
And thank you
for all the care
You've shown during the past year.

aries_luv_ppl
Senior Member
since 09-20-2001
Posts 1479
Universal Mind


4 posted 12-22-2002 06:27 PM       View Profile for aries_luv_ppl   Email aries_luv_ppl   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit aries_luv_ppl's Home Page   View IP for aries_luv_ppl

thanks PoetdeVine. and I don't mind it at all. It's good to see how other may precieve or put it in another way.

Eliza Simmons
~Sometimes when I look back at what I wrote, I don't recognize the 'Me' in the past anymore.

OtherSideOfTheMirror
Member
since 12-19-2002
Posts 251


5 posted 12-22-2002 06:28 PM       View Profile for OtherSideOfTheMirror   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for OtherSideOfTheMirror

Agreed. That formatting works it. Also, and this is JUST a SUGGESTION as I really am not one to talk, but consider revising the word "babies". I don't know why but it seems to disrupt the flow some, but it may just be in my head. Nice job with the writing the formatting will help.

aries_luv_ppl will be notified of replies
 Post A Reply Post New Topic   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
All times are ET (US) Top
  User Options
>> Main Forums >> Holiday Cheer >> Revised: Hope Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Create a Greeting Card with this Poem
Print Send ECard

 

pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Today's Topics | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary



© Passions in Poetry and netpoets.com 1998-2013
All Poetry and Prose is copyrighted by the individual authors