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peanogrl83
Member

since 1999-12-04

Posts 202

0 posted 1999-12-24 01:28 AM

This really stinks guys..sorry!

Close your eyes, love, go to sleep.
In dreams perhaps, you'll see me weep.
But I'll be gone when you wake,
Your stagnant soul shall I take.
I'll leave you lonely and confused,
Battered, beaten and abused
Just as you have done to me,
In sentience, not slumber, as with thee.

This my love, to me you did,
But my anguished pain I hid.
You never saw me as in your dreams,
An unfinished doll with broken seams.
I was weak, but looked strong,
Had no voice, but sung your song.
Through your looking-lens, I was free
You only saw what I let you see.

In truth you held me in your grip,
From your grasp I could not slip.
From your torture I writhed and thrashed,
My soul lay cold on concrete, smashed.
Your words would singe, would burn
I couldn't teach, you couldn't learn
I had no choice my love, I had to fall.
I could not break through your empty wall.

Close your eyes, love, go to sleep.
In dreams perhaps, you'll see me weep.
Soon dawn will bring it's spidery light
Your lids will lift and restore your sight.
I am gone now, but your nightmares remain
Your guilt is now a permament stain.
With a kiss, my love, you stole my breath,
With your love, my dear, you caused my death.

rascalx
Senior Member

since 1999-08-25

Posts 590
Florence, SC, USA

1 posted 1999-12-24 01:40 AM

peanogrl83,

I LOVED this...your words painted a beautifully haunting and powerful image of a love gone wrong and a deep hurt left in it's wake. If this is autobiographical, I hope the person it is about "sees" what you are saying.

Blue Eyed Wanderer
Member

since 1999-09-26

Posts 84
Rhode Island, US

2 posted 1999-12-24 01:05 PM

This doesn't stink! I think it's great!

~Jess~

Julie
Senior Member

since 1999-08-20

Posts 739
Houston, TX

3 posted 1999-12-24 01:15 PM

Nothing stinks about this. Your imagery of pain is excellent. You write beautifully. No its not a pretty picture but it is real. You did a fantastic job bringing this to life for the reader. Welcome to Passions...looking forward to more...

Beri
Member

since 1999-11-25

Posts 149

4 posted 1999-12-24 05:28 PM

First peano, I'd like to say Welcome to Passions! Second, this does not suck, this is a wonderful poem, the imagery is amazing. I love your use of it, and I love your poem. It is a quite haunting reminder of some things in my own life. I wonder if this is about you or if it is just something you wrote...either way, the poem doesnt suck, even if the actual pain expressed in it does, because yes, I'd say feelings like this certainly do hurt. So once again Bravo! And Merry Christmas!

If you love something, set it free, if it comes back to you, its meant to be...

Denise

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-08-22

Posts 22648

5 posted 1999-12-25 09:05 PM

The pain in this is screaming out. Well done.

Denise

peanogrl83
Member

since 1999-12-04

Posts 202

6 posted 1999-12-25 11:03 PM

Thanks for all the compliments! Unfortunately, rascalx and Beri, it is indeed autobiographical, and I highly doubt the subject of the poem will ever see the pain exhibited. Thanks again and a Merry Christmas to all of you!
Vreni

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