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Open Poetry #4
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hoot_owl_rn
Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750
Glen Hope, PA USA

0 posted 1999-12-16 10:08 AM


In Darkness

Silence falls in darkened skies
A curtain's drawn across my sun
Where the evening shadows loom
Beneath the ever seeing moon

Faceless voices in the night
Call to me in curious rhyme
As I sit alone in wait
And wonder if this be my fate

Can you hear my bleeding heart
In frantic rhythm all its own
Is its beating now unheard
Lost beyond the spoken word

Haunted by the memories past
The future's lost among the blur
Clouded in a fog I sit
Looking, never finding yet

So speak to me here in the dark
Let your words shed welcome light
Lost, I can not find my way
Guide me from darkness to the day


(I'm still a bit unsure about this one..actually dumped it in my recycle bin the other day, then retrieved it...be as cruel with your comments as you'd like)

 "I am nothing special, of this I am sure. I am a common man with common thoughts and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten, but I've loved another with all my heart and soul, and to me , this has always been enough." ~Nicholas Sparks from The Notebook



[This message has been edited by hoot_owl_rn (edited 12-16-1999).]

© Copyright 1999 Ruth Kephart - All Rights Reserved
Seymour Tabin
Member Empyrean
since 1999-07-07
Posts 31720
Tamarac Fla
1 posted 1999-12-16 10:53 AM


Hoot,
Enjoyed the poem, liked the idea. You can work on it, I rewrite all my poems. *L*

RSEvans
Senior Member
since 1999-10-23
Posts 1147
Tulsa, OK, USA
2 posted 1999-12-16 10:59 AM


Hoot!  I loved this one.  Although rhyme and meter may be off a bit, it makes a beautiful free-form poem.  I particularly like the line "Let your words shed welcome light".  A beckoning to all poets.  
hoot_owl_rn
Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750
Glen Hope, PA USA
3 posted 1999-12-16 12:02 PM


Smiles...your cruelity breaks my heart you two I ask for cruelity and you tell me you like it. Thanks Seymore and RSEvans.
Poertree
Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359
UK
4 posted 1999-12-16 12:03 PM


Ruth

You can come and dump this quality of poetry in my recycle bin anyday - just so long as you let me pull it out again and savour it ..  great

Philip

vandana
Deputy Moderator 5 Tours
Member Patricius
since 1999-10-22
Posts 10463
USA
5 posted 1999-12-16 12:52 PM


I like this poem very much!!!!
Iloveit
Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 1121
NM
6 posted 1999-12-16 01:11 PM


hoot, I don't know much about meter and rhyme, but the emotions I understand and they come through loud and clear.....hugs

 remember this...nobody has an unbreakable heart



Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648

7 posted 1999-12-16 01:52 PM


I like it too, Ruth...sorry! So filled with emotion! I'm glad you retrieved it and shared it with us!  

 Denise



hoot_owl_rn
Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750
Glen Hope, PA USA
8 posted 1999-12-16 08:08 PM


Thanks everyone  
Severn
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704

9 posted 1999-12-16 08:16 PM


This makes for very nice freeverse, Ruth.
I've done that - throwing out and retrieving.
I think we all do.

K

Master
Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867
Boston, MA
10 posted 1999-12-16 09:01 PM


I'll be the first cruel one and say that I didn't like it as much as all of your other work, however, I think that this could be good in freeverse.
Marge Tindal
Deputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384
Florida's Foreverly Shores
11 posted 1999-12-16 09:46 PM


Hoot -
Thank goodness Gates
named it a 'recycle bin'
and not a 'shredder'.
I'd call this poem
a Golden Retriever !

Now, for an HONEST critique ...
Ruth, I up the ante ...
glad the garbage truck didn't come.
~Marge~



 ~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~
noles1@totcon.com



Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA
12 posted 1999-12-16 10:11 PM


Well, hoot, I give it an A in emotion but a failing grade in poetic construction. You do much better work than this. The poem is salvageable but why bother? Take the idea and begin again.

I only speak this way because I know you and I know you prefer honest opinions. I don't think I need to remind you, or anyone, how excellent of a poet I think you are.  

wayoutwalt
Member Elite
since 1999-06-22
Posts 4870
TEXAS (it's all big)
13 posted 1999-12-16 10:56 PM


now lissen i didnt even botter thats right botter with readin any the otter guys replies yuh i liked it yuh it stumbled a bit yuh mine stumble so much i bought a poetic walker o no i in trouble now but yuh i liked it hoot i did i did
Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191
Cape Cod Massachusetts USA
14 posted 1999-12-16 11:18 PM


....um.... what walt said.....

What did he say????

hoot_owl_rn
Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750
Glen Hope, PA USA
15 posted 1999-12-17 11:31 AM


Everyone, thank you for your comments.

Balladeer, thank you for your brutal honesty...lol, just kidding, thanks for your honest opinion. I appreciate that from you

I must admit that I am a bit dissapointed that not one person recognized there was actually a format to this one.

Marilyn
Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621
Ontario, Canada
16 posted 1999-12-17 11:47 AM


As I told you in the preview of this piece...I like this one much better then the first draft. The meter is still off and you stumble a bit over places. Do what you think is best with it Ruth.  
Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648

17 posted 1999-12-17 11:53 AM


Ruth, I'm not much of a poetic critic. I can only comment as to whether or not something touched a cord within me. I'm not schooled in format, rhythm and rhyme, what little I've learned, I've learned here! And you are one of the ones from whom I've learned! Again, I love this piece no matter the format, rhyme scheme or such!  

 Denise



Sven
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Laureate
since 1999-11-23
Posts 14937
East Lansing, MI USA
18 posted 1999-12-17 12:48 PM


I thought that this was quite good. . . I've never been one to "follow the rules" of poetry. . . I write what I feel. . . I play with the form and the meter. . . it's just my way of making the poem my own. . .

Perhaps, this would make a good challenge. . . take a poem that you have not posted, put in the recycle bin, and try to make it better. . . good enough to post. . .

Any takers?

 That which gives light must endure burning
--Victor Frankl



First__Knight
Senior Member
since 1999-11-08
Posts 678

19 posted 1999-12-17 07:59 PM


I will not coment on structure or meter as I lack in both I am sure and never  have I been schooled in such....So as content goes...I can speak for your poems seem to speak volumes.  

What is darkness.....is it the lack of light....or is it the lack of a brighter light than we have already?  When you shine like you do....the brighter lights that are more than you are often hard to find and so it seems like darkness.  Shine your light bright as always and lead those that you want to find you to you.  And together your lights will shine upon that new path to the one true light    

 Share what you are for you are what you share


passing shadows
Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577
displaced
20 posted 2004-06-02 03:15 AM


very touching
Tequilia_Sunrise
Senior Member
since 2003-02-19
Posts 612
Lochalsh, Ontario, Canada
21 posted 2004-07-04 11:30 PM


enjoyed
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