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Passions in Poetry

Macbeth 5 (critique welcomed!)

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Master
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since 08-18-99
Posts 1880
Boston, MA


0 posted 12-14-1999 10:28 PM       View Profile for Master   Email Master   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions   Click to visit Master's Home Page   View IP for Master

Since my success, I feel yet more repressed
For time had ceased, and yet concern remained.
I envy him, who I have put to rest,
For everything Iíve dreamed of, he attained.
ĎTis irony! The deed which should be heir
To thought; gives thought its birth and later dies.
Fair heart, draw me a mask that I may wear;
Let all be seen, but none be shown by eyes!
The earth does shake when glory sorrow greets.
Once dust is cleared, the guest puts on the crown.
Donít trust the lie that kings have softest seats,
The golden throne is harder than the ground.
Remember thus, that every happy blessing
Is often contradicted by its dressing!



†I fell in love and kept on falling





[This message has been edited by Master (edited 12-15-1999).]
© Copyright 1999 Andrey Kneller - All Rights Reserved
RainbowGirl
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since 07-31-99
Posts 3167
United Kingdom


1 posted 12-14-1999 10:31 PM       View Profile for RainbowGirl   Email RainbowGirl   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit RainbowGirl's Home Page   View IP for RainbowGirl

Well....that's not really my forte, so can I get away with saying that you pulled a few heart strings here?

Hugs

 Yesterday is but today's memory and tomorrow is today's dream...


Denise
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since 08-22-99
Posts 23002


2 posted 12-14-1999 11:10 PM       View Profile for Denise   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Denise

'Tis wonderful, Master! I love this theme you are currently on! (check your email!)

 Denise


Master
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since 08-18-99
Posts 1880
Boston, MA


3 posted 12-15-1999 12:00 AM       View Profile for Master   Email Master   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Master's Home Page   View IP for Master

RainbowGirl, you can get away with anything, (since the Master is pulling the strings)!

Denise, thanks for you email and your suggestions. I don't know whether I've succeeded with a good sonnet, nevertheless I like this new version a bit better, (I think I'll keep it the way it is now). Thanks again!
Nan
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since 05-20-99
Posts 24426
Cape Cod Massachusetts USA


4 posted 12-15-1999 07:35 AM       View Profile for Nan   Email Nan   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Nan's Home Page   View IP for Nan

OK, Master, You asked for it.....

You've got a great Shakespearean sonnet here.  You've developed a theme (that's of utmost importance) and appropriately resolved your conflict in the last couplet....

You've adhered to the classic rhyme scheme...abab-cdcd-efef-gg...... Your meter is great - iambic pentameter...

My only critique is in your couplet... You have end rhymes that not only are inherently trochaic rather than iambic, but they add an extra syllable to your otherwise perfect meter.... That's not bad, eh?????

Beautiful job here, Master.....
hoot_owl_rn
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since 07-05-99
Posts 11105
Glen Hope, PA USA


5 posted 12-15-1999 10:30 AM       View Profile for hoot_owl_rn   Email hoot_owl_rn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit hoot_owl_rn's Home Page   View IP for hoot_owl_rn

APPLAUDS!!!!
Seymour Tabin
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since 07-07-99
Posts 32119
Tamarac Fla


6 posted 12-15-1999 11:16 AM       View Profile for Seymour Tabin   Email Seymour Tabin   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Seymour Tabin

Master,
Follow the yellow brick road that Nan laid out. You have a great idea, came very close
And I liked it much.
Master
Senior Member
since 08-18-99
Posts 1880
Boston, MA


7 posted 12-15-1999 03:15 PM       View Profile for Master   Email Master   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Master's Home Page   View IP for Master

Thank you Nan, I'll work on it and see what I can come up with!
jbouder
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since 09-18-99
Posts 2641
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash


8 posted 12-15-1999 03:59 PM       View Profile for jbouder   Email jbouder   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for jbouder

M.

Very good job.  I won't reiterate Nan's reply so I only have one suggestion.  The preposition "of" in line four is a bit awkward when reading aloud.  I think it might be incorrect grammatically but don't quote me on that.  Perhaps something like "For everything I've dreamed, he has attained" would help smooth  out the line.

I'd personally like to see what you do to the couplet.  Let me know when you have made any changes.

 Jim

"If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther

Sven
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since 11-23-1999
Posts 15611
Lansing, MI USA


9 posted 12-15-1999 04:24 PM       View Profile for Sven   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Sven

Quite good, it's hard to write in this style, but you have done quite well. . . I can only echo the things said above, but I do like the way that you break the rhythm. . . sometimes, to get it right, you have to break the rules. . .

Well done!

 That which gives light must endure burning
--Victor Frankl


Master
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since 08-18-99
Posts 1880
Boston, MA


10 posted 12-15-1999 08:09 PM       View Profile for Master   Email Master   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Master's Home Page   View IP for Master

Thanks for your suggestions Jim, as for rewriting it, I'm no longer so sure about it. I like the ending that I have and I guess that I agree with Sven that sometimes, to get it right, you have to break the rules. Nevertheless, thanks for all of the advices and suggestions!
 
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