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Open Poetry #4
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Life Sentence?
| Open Poetry #4 |
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Life Sentence? |
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Athas Junior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 24Edinburgh, Scotland |
Anyone who reads the following poem. Forgive the amaturness of it the reasion is that I am not yet used to writing poems I hope to improve any comments would be appreciated (even saying you don't like it) Life Sentence? My head was a little prison, Always trapped in a confining cell. Nothing good hardly ever has arisen, Only thoughts and worries in private hell. The things I thought were right were seldom done, Never to feel that one could do right, That is an awful way to feel, Feeling it should be myself to fight, Always worsening my own little deal. Things change slowly I’m afraid my love, But change they do, thank God, If somewhat slow, Your helping me. You leave me free to go, And step forth freed from prison through your love. Here are A few improvements suggested by Caroline I am very gratefull for these but I still kept the origional poem because It was the first I wrote and I can be sentimental I hope you all understand. Her version does read a lot better then mine though. Thank you Caroline Life Sentance? My head was a little prison Trapped in a confining cell Nothing good has ever arisen just worried thoughts in private hell Never to sense I had done right An awful way to feel Believing it should be myself to fight Worsening my own little deal Things change, my love and perhaps change is slow But you help me, thank God above You leave me free to go I'm freed from this prison by grace of your love [This message has been edited by Athas (edited 12-05-1999).] |
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| © Copyright 1999 Wesley - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
Your poem tells a lovely story, Athas. A nip and a tuck on technical points and the poem is a gem... Please do keep writing and posting - Welcome to our Passionate family..  |
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caroline Senior Member
since 1999-08-16
Posts 1218http://members.xoom.com/belladona123/index.htm |
I agree, Athas...I like the story you tell. I have some small suggestions, but you haven't listed an email address. You can email me if you wish I like your style of writing. There is real potential with this poem. ------------------ It's not the love you fear, but the fall from the height~Edwin McCain |
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Athas Junior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 24Edinburgh, Scotland |
Thank you both for your replies. It means a lot to me. |
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caroline Senior Member
since 1999-08-16
Posts 1218http://members.xoom.com/belladona123/index.htm |
You are most welcome, Athas...and there is not a thing wrong with being sentimental! Keep writing, I'll look forward to more of your poems  It's not the love you fear, but the fall from the height~Edwin McCain |
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Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648 |
Very lovely sentiments, Athas! And welcome to Passions! Denise |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Welcome Athas. I do like this - and Caroline has helped you shape it very well. K |
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WhtDove Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-22
Posts 9245Illinois |
WELCOME ATHAS I like your writing also. I hope you post more! I like what Caroline did to help you also. Keep that first one as a treasure, then watch months down the line how it improves. <*\\\>< Jesus is the reason for the season |
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