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Passions in Poetry

Life Sentence?

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Athas
Junior Member
since 12-04-1999
Posts 23
Edinburgh, Scotland


0 posted 12-04-1999 07:55 AM       View Profile for Athas   Email Athas   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Athas

Anyone who reads the following poem.  Forgive the amaturness of it the reasion is that I am not yet used to writing poems I hope to improve any comments would be appreciated (even saying you don't like it)


Life Sentence?


My head was a little prison,
Always trapped in a confining cell.
Nothing good hardly ever has arisen,
Only thoughts and worries in private hell.
The things I thought were right were seldom done,
Never to feel that one could do right,
That is an awful way to feel,
Feeling it should be myself to fight,
Always worsening my own little deal.

Things change slowly Iím afraid my love,
But change they do, thank God, If somewhat slow,
Your helping me.  You leave me free to go,
And step forth freed from prison through your love.


Here are A few improvements suggested by Caroline I am very gratefull for these but I still kept the origional poem because It was the first I wrote and I can be sentimental I hope you all understand.  Her version does read a lot better then mine though.  Thank you Caroline


       Life Sentance?

My head was a little prison
Trapped in a confining cell
Nothing good has ever arisen
just worried thoughts in private hell
Never to sense I had done right
An awful way to feel
Believing it should be myself to fight
Worsening my own little deal

Things change, my love
and perhaps change is slow
But you help me, thank God above
You leave me free to go
I'm freed from this prison
by grace of your love




[This message has been edited by Athas (edited 12-05-1999).]
© Copyright 1999 Wesley - All Rights Reserved
Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 05-20-99
Posts 24426
Cape Cod Massachusetts USA


1 posted 12-04-1999 08:29 AM       View Profile for Nan   Email Nan   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Nan's Home Page   View IP for Nan

Your poem tells a lovely story, Athas. A nip and a tuck on technical points and the poem is a gem... Please do keep writing and posting - Welcome to our Passionate family..
caroline
Senior Member
since 08-16-99
Posts 1251
http://members.xoom.com/bellad


2 posted 12-04-1999 09:03 AM       View Profile for caroline   Email caroline   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for caroline

I agree, Athas...I like the story you tell. I have some small suggestions, but you haven't listed an email address. You can email me if you wish

I like your style of writing. There is real potential with this poem.

------------------
It's not the love you fear, but the fall from the height~Edwin McCain

Athas
Junior Member
since 12-04-1999
Posts 23
Edinburgh, Scotland


3 posted 12-04-1999 02:18 PM       View Profile for Athas   Email Athas   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Athas

Thank you both for your replies. It means a lot to me.
caroline
Senior Member
since 08-16-99
Posts 1251
http://members.xoom.com/bellad


4 posted 12-05-1999 09:42 PM       View Profile for caroline   Email caroline   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for caroline

You are most welcome, Athas...and there is not a thing wrong with being sentimental!

Keep writing, I'll look forward to more of your poems  


 It's not the love you fear, but the fall from the height~Edwin McCain


Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 08-22-99
Posts 23002


5 posted 12-05-1999 09:48 PM       View Profile for Denise   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Denise

Very lovely sentiments, Athas! And welcome to Passions!  

 Denise


Severn
Member Rara Avis
since 07-17-99
Posts 8273


6 posted 12-05-1999 10:07 PM       View Profile for Severn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Severn

Welcome Athas.
I do like this - and Caroline has helped you shape it very well.
K
WhtDove
Member Rara Avis
since 07-22-99
Posts 9561
Illinois


7 posted 12-05-1999 10:08 PM       View Profile for WhtDove   Email WhtDove   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit WhtDove's Home Page   View IP for WhtDove

WELCOME ATHAS  I like your writing also. I hope you post more! I like what Caroline did to help you also. Keep that first one as a treasure, then watch months down the line how it improves.

 <*\\\><
Jesus is the reason for the season

 
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