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Passions in Poetry

I need help, please

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Lolita
Junior Member
since 11-09-1999
Posts 42
Buffalo, NY, America


0 posted 11-15-1999 06:17 AM       View Profile for Lolita   Email Lolita   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Lolita

I was hoping someone could offer any pointers on how to improve this poem.

The Sunflower

The frost is strange to this poor fellow,
as is the ground on which he lies.
The sun is lost until tomorrow
and softly my poor sunflower cries.

Where is the sun? He looks to ask,
as he stares straight up at me.
A stranger to the wind and rain
my sunflower shall always be.
© Copyright 1999 Lolita - All Rights Reserved
Seymour Tabin
Member Empyrean
since 07-07-99
Posts 32119
Tamarac Fla


1 posted 11-15-1999 08:16 AM       View Profile for Seymour Tabin   Email Seymour Tabin   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Seymour Tabin

Lolita,
It's a good poem, second stanza could use rewrite. I like it.
Lolita
Junior Member
since 11-09-1999
Posts 42
Buffalo, NY, America


2 posted 11-15-1999 09:02 AM       View Profile for Lolita   Email Lolita   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Lolita

ST cuold you offer any ideas?
Sally S.
Senior Member
since 06-07-99
Posts 887
Ohio


3 posted 11-15-1999 09:08 AM       View Profile for Sally S.   Email Sally S.   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Sally S.

ok, I normally don't do this but here goes....

You're meter is kida jumbled up here. I think you have the beginnings of a fine poem. Let's follow the meter (hee hee) and see what we can do??

Frost is strange to this poor fellow,
as is the ground on which he lies.
Sun is lost until the 'morrow
and softly my sunflower cries.

Where is the sun? He looks to ask,
as he gazes straight up at me.
A stranger to the wind and rain
my sunflower shall always be.


Now, with this..the meter is intact. The flow may not be quite there but, you have the general idea. I hope this helps you.

 
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