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Denise
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since 1999-08-22
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0 posted 1999-11-14 06:25 PM


The poet nightly sits with pen in hand
And contemplates the fleeting years of life
The hourglass has nearly drained of sand
Each grain within can tell a joy or strife
The struggle's fierce to give each one a name
To wrest some wisdom from experience
Too often phrases tend to play the same
Old tired tunes from aging instruments
Undaunted by the fierceness of this fight
The bard within refuses yet to die
The battle rages well into the night
Impassioned soul screams loud the battle-cry

Another victory is sung again
As honey flows forth from the poet's pen.

------------------
Denise

[This message has been edited by dsnyder (edited 11-14-1999).]

[This message has been edited by dsnyder (edited 11-14-1999).]

[This message has been edited by dsnyder (edited 11-14-1999).]

[This message has been edited by dsnyder (edited 11-15-1999).]

[This message has been edited by dsnyder (edited 11-16-1999).]

© Copyright 1999 Denise - All Rights Reserved
Ohme
Senior Member
since 1999-07-17
Posts 816
Texas
1 posted 1999-11-14 06:29 PM


Denise, it flowed so beautifully too.

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Yesterday is history, tomorrow just a mystery. And if today is good to me how could I ask for more?

Seymour Tabin
Member Empyrean
since 1999-07-07
Posts 31720
Tamarac Fla
2 posted 1999-11-14 06:30 PM


I love it Denice. You are talented.
Munda
Member Elite
since 1999-10-08
Posts 3544
The Hague, The Netherlands
3 posted 1999-11-14 06:32 PM


Great work Denise ! : )
DreamEvil
Member Elite
since 1999-06-22
Posts 2396

4 posted 1999-11-14 06:38 PM


Indeed it is a Shakespearean sonnet, but the body should be broken into three quatrains and a final rhymed couplet. Such as,

"The poet nightly sits with pen in hand
And contemplates the granuals of life
The hourglass has nearly drained of sand
Each grain within can tell a joy or strife

The struggle's fierce to give each one a name
To wrest some wisdom from experience
Too often phrases tend to play the same
Old tired tunes from aging instruments

Undaunted by the fierceness of this fight
The bard within refuses yet to die
The battle rages well into the night
Impassioned soul screams loud the battle-cry

Another victory is sung again
As honey flows forth from the poet's pen."


Excellent content in this piece.

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Now and forever, my heart hears ~one voice~.
DreamEvil©


Denise
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since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648

5 posted 1999-11-14 06:46 PM


Thanks Ohme, Seymour, Munda and Dream for reading and commenting! Thanks for the correction, Dream.

------------------
Denise


Elizabeth Santos
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269
Pennsylvania
6 posted 1999-11-14 06:52 PM


Exquisite verses from Denise again
While jealousy is flowing from my pen
Elizabeth

Denise
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since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648

7 posted 1999-11-14 09:00 PM


Why, thank you, Elizabeth! You are too kind.
My writings have nothing over yours. But thank you for the lovely comment!

------------------
Denise


Systematic Decay
Senior Member
since 1999-09-15
Posts 1301
That place with padded walls and funny people in white.........
8 posted 1999-11-14 09:10 PM


I love the last line....so beautiful!

------------------
Thinking is just what a great many people think they are doing when they are merely rearranging their predjudices.



doreen peri
Member Elite
since 1999-05-25
Posts 3812
Virginia
9 posted 1999-11-14 09:23 PM


Lovely, denise... good job!!
hoot_owl_rn
Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750
Glen Hope, PA USA
10 posted 1999-11-14 09:32 PM


Beautiful Denise, but not sure I agree with dream on that one as I like to see the sonnet as it was intended all together in compact form...that is what a sonnet is most noted for, it's compactness. To see what I mean, look at mine "To Have Never Loved"

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Alis volat propriis
(She flies with her own wings)


Denise
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since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648

11 posted 1999-11-14 09:39 PM


Hi, Ruth! Yes, I have looked at yours and that is the format that I originally had this in as well as the other one I wrote last night 'At Last I Call You Friend' (now on page two). From what I gathered from sneaking in on the sonnet classes the compact style seems to be the most popular!
What does Nan have to say on this, do you know? I do so want to use the correct style.
Thank you for reading and commenting Ruth, Sys and Doreen! I am most appreciative!

------------------
Denise


Master
Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867
Boston, MA
12 posted 1999-11-14 10:06 PM


Wow, you amaze me more and more. You have a style of a classic poet and I really do enjoy the images that you paint with words, beautiful!!!
Denise
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since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648

13 posted 1999-11-14 10:56 PM


Wow, thanks Master for your wonderful comment! I am flattered! You are too kind.
I am so glad that you liked this!

Ruth, I changed it back to the original format! Thanks for your help!

------------------
Denise


Balladeer
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since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA
14 posted 1999-11-15 12:21 PM


Yeah, but do you know the mess it makes when that honey flows on the paper?YETCCCHHH!!

The poem is wonderful, Denise. You can take the simplest act or idea and turn it into a thing of beauty. Congratulations.

btw, check on the spelling of granuals, ok?

WhtDove
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-22
Posts 9245
Illinois
15 posted 1999-11-15 12:31 PM


Denise beautiful job!

Balladeer bless you! Don't sneeze on the screen ewww, what a mess. heeheh

hoot_owl_rn
Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750
Glen Hope, PA USA
16 posted 1999-11-15 09:22 AM


Very well written Denise...perhaps you should think about submitting this for publication??
Sally S.
Senior Member
since 1999-06-07
Posts 847
Ohio
17 posted 1999-11-15 09:25 AM


Wonderful work, Denise. What more could I add that the others haven't said?? I agree with them.
Sunshine
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since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354
Listening to every heart
18 posted 1999-11-15 03:46 PM


I can only ditto all of the above.
Denise
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Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648

19 posted 1999-11-15 08:02 PM


Thank you all so much for your kind comments!
I am so glad that you all liked it! It means much to me!

Balladeer- I can only imagine! (thanks for the spelling refresher!)

Hoot- Know any publishers who won't give me an ulcer in the process?!

------------------
Denise


Severn
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704

20 posted 1999-11-15 08:51 PM


Hey Denise - great job!
This is a true sonnet indeed.
Just a couple of things I would add to the suggestion box. A Shakesperian Sonnet is usually divided into 3 quatrains and a couplet it is true - but Shakespeare and his contemporaries also conformed to the Petrachian (which I may have spelled wrong!) format sometimes (An octave and then a sestet). In either case, the format was obvious due to subject matter - the conceits or metaphors often changed slightly through the divisions, so I don't think you have to divide it up into 3 clear stanzas with the couplet standing alone - the content is sufficient in itself. Shakespeare often used punctuation to delineate the subtle shifts of his content - so you could even put a period at the end of each quatrain - and that would also avoid any confusion of trying to read it as Petrachian.
Also, I'm not sure of the second line - it seems to need one more syllable. I guess it depends on how you read 'granules'. Perhaps an adjective before it - anyway just a suggestion.
I love the imagery - and the way it follows Shakespeare's much loved theme of Time.
Congrats!!

Denise
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since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648

21 posted 1999-11-15 09:07 PM


Thank you Severn for your wonderful, in depth comments! I pronounce it as I had originally had it misspelled - gran-u-als. I realize that this is one of those words that can be pronounced either in two syllables or three. Perhaps for the flow I will try to come up with another word to replace it!
Thanks again for all your help! And I am so glad that you liked it!

------------------
Denise


Nan
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since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191
Cape Cod Massachusetts USA
22 posted 1999-11-16 08:04 AM


Hey Denise - This is great - Just a quick comment as I run out the door (again) - The stanzas can be broken or not, as you choose - I have to agree on "granules" - For purposes of formality, as sonnets truly are - I'd adjust the meter to make the word two syllables...

The poem itself is great - Give me a sonnet any day.....LOVIN' IT.....

Pepper
Member Elite
since 1999-08-19
Posts 3079
Southern Florida
23 posted 1999-11-16 10:51 AM


Just wonderful Denise!!

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A soul that writes from the heart and shares it, truly gives a gift extraordinaire!


Severn
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704

24 posted 1999-11-16 07:52 PM


Hey - you're so welcome!!!!
That's what poet friends are for - hehe.

Denise
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since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648

25 posted 1999-11-16 08:47 PM


Thank you Nan, Pepper and Severn! I am so glad that you all think this is good! I never thought I would be able to write a sonnet! I changed the second line altogether! Got rid of that pesky word granules! Thanks again for all you help!

------------------
Denise


Elizabeth Santos
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269
Pennsylvania
26 posted 1999-11-16 09:06 PM


This one should stay at the top of the list so we can read it over and over. Quite a talented poet, you are Denise.
Elizabeth

Dr.Moose1
Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448
Bewilderment , USA
27 posted 1999-11-16 09:12 PM


What they said , and more .But how much creedence can you give to a "stuter"?
Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648

28 posted 1999-11-16 10:16 PM


Elizabeth- you are so sweet! Thank you!
Dr.Moose- Thanks so much! (I thought you escaped that nut house!)

------------------
Denise


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