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Pass The Envelope (couplet), Please.
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Pass The Envelope (couplet), Please. |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA 
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Vacation is over...  The Envelope couplet has the first and last line using the same refrain which starts and completes the stanzas of that poem. The second and fifth line of each stanza rhyme with the refrain lines. This leaves only the centre couplet to change its rhyme. I love it here at P.I.P. It lights the inner fire in me. When there is no one else around And no kind faces can be found I know where friends will always be. I love it here at P.I.P. Ok. I know I'm starting of rather easy but I want to make sure you all remember what good meter is. Show me... Use as many 6-line stanzas as you like. |
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Alison 
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
Winter clouds the sun As dark oppresses light Ice paintings tat the trees Bends branches to their knees Each etched in black and white Winter clouds the sun Captivated by the dark The day light will not come It lingers in bed way too late And longs for darkness to abate It dreams of summer sun Captivated by the dark |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Nice to see you, Alison, and thanks for joining in first!!!! Now read the instructions again and be the first to do it right!! LOL! |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
Damn. There are directions?!?  |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
As winter ice chills the light Dark hued curtains smother bright Ice paintings then freeze the trees As branches bend to their knees Forever etched black and white As winter ice chills the light When darkened shadows steal the sun When morning shimmer light succumbs A hopeful dream that cannot sate It longs for darkness to abate And prays that winter comes undone When darkened shadows steal the sun |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Atta girl..you're always a quick study In the spirit of stating how teachers are always hardest on the students they admire the most, now you just need to clean up the meter in two lines Ice paintings then freeze the trees As branches bend to their knees They blow the meter, which is perfect in all other lines. ICE PAINT-ings then FREEZE the TREES as BRANCHes BEND to their KNEES You have taken them down to 7 syllables instead of 8. Yes, in line two of the first stanza you did the same but, beginning the line trochaic, it can become implied iambic which makes it ok. The ICE PAINTing line begins with a spondee, not a trochee so it throws the rhythm off. In the second line, it's iambic, minus one long syllable. Nor sure how to fix the first line, since ICE PAINTings is not reparable. You would need a different thought, something like... (trochaic - implied iambic) WInter's paintings freeze the trees Bending branches to their knees. or (iambic) Ice paint of winter freezes trees As branches bend down to their knees. Hey, just like old times, Alison! Love ya!  (I shall now go outside and check my branches for knees) |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
As winter ice chills the light Dark hued curtains smother bright Frosted paintings cover trees Bending branches to bared knees Forever etched black and white As winter ice chills the light When darkened shadows steal the sun When morning shimmer light succumbs A hopeful dream that cannot sate It longs for darkness to abate And prays that winter comes undone When darkened shadows steal the sun ---- I think I have it now. I think. Michael, thank you for not taking it easy on me. I have grown a lot with your help and I want to continue that growth. I can't do it if you sugar coat my efforts. Thank you for all the time that you take with me. xooxxo Alison [This message has been edited by Alison (12-08-2011 03:17 PM).] |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Very good, Alison! For a moment I had a small problem with.. Forever etched black and white As winter ice chills the light because you killed the iambic with the two accented syllables together. etched black ice chills but, since you did the same thing on both lines of the couplet, it's acceptable. That's what I love about you. You never give up  |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
Dear 'deer, Thank you. Did you find the knees on the branches of your trees? If you look reallly close, you'll see them. Honest. I love that you got the classes going again. I am going to put my poem in Open Poetry, and do a plug for the class. It's fun. Alison |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
Alison, Well now, I think your poem is just the trees bees of poetry, or something to that effect, lol. Doc I'm gonna jump right in here and throw this one out ( big surprise ). I must try to contain my joy a proper vessel to employ a tanker ship might do the trick but if the captain got sea sick he might run it aground, ahoy! I must try to contain my joy I must retain my cool aplomb and not explode like an h-bomb Vacation's over! Deer is back! To give us what this workshop lacked! Oh, hey, but seriously,"Mom" I must retain my cool aplomb I'll never let on that I care unless I slip up unaware about this course or Balladeer oops, may have done just that I fear I'd rather brave his baleful stare I'll never let on that I care |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Nice, doc. Now read the instructions and get your ship on course. |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
Balladeer Welcome back, gotcha, I am so used to saying PIP instead of P, I, P, I misinterpreted your example on which I based my write ( not the directions, which I have read now ). See, that's why you needed to get back here, directions, who would've thought... Doc |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
I did the same thing, Doc, with P I P. Read pip instead of the initials. Our Balladeer is a tricky one! |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
Yes, indeed he is Alison, and, not only that but he expects us to actually read the directions, can you imagine? Doc |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
Go figure! He's a wiley wabbit! |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Eternal vigilance is the key  Nice revision, doc. You haven't lost a thing.. |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
Balladeer, Thank you m'friend, with the exception of a few more marbles that's good to know, lol. Doc |
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Amberzlynnc Member
since 2010-08-24
Posts 229New Jersey |
My journal’s feeling light these days, without the weight of words in ink. Ten months and not a half is filled, the empty pages left un-thrilled; it’s time to write and not to think. My journal’s feeling light these days. -Amber |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
I like the poem, Amber! It deviated from the instructions, though. The second and fifth line of each stanza rhyme with the refrain lines. That means that the second line must rhyme with the first and the second to last line rhymes with the last, thus completing the envelope. Thanks for joining in! |
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Romy Senior Member
since 2000-05-28
Posts 1170Plantation, Florida |
Who doesn’t delight in a bad cliché? An overused metaphor some might say “Dead as a doornail” but “easy as pie” to work on a poem and not really try I’d like to know “at the end of the day” Who doesn’t delight in a bad cliché? |
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Romy Senior Member
since 2000-05-28
Posts 1170Plantation, Florida |
Who doesn’t delight in a bad cliché? An overused metaphor some might say “Dead as a doornail” but “easy as pie” to work on a poem and not really try I’d like to know “at the end of the day” Who doesn’t delight in a bad cliché? |
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ken206573 Member
since 2008-10-14
Posts 487 |
Hmm I don't know if it's going with the flow, but I shall give it my all. (A Women's Fury) In the distance storm clouds gather No calm, no peace in this matter She bares cold rain and heavy hail Bashing, smashing a tearful wail Oh do not dare try to flatter In the distance storm clouds gather |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
LOLOL! Good work, Ken.....and, oh, so very true!!  |
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ken206573 Member
since 2008-10-14
Posts 487 |
Thank you I'm glad you like it. I'm happy it came out nicely...it was fun to write it. |
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Amberzlynnc Member
since 2010-08-24
Posts 229New Jersey |
I stumbled upon this thread again and realized I never gave this poem a second whirl! So here's a new try entirely. The years are passing in a blink They’re gone before I’ve time to think The curls have fallen from my hair and “new-ish” jeans sport worn-out tears As days go by, they start to shrink The years are passing in a blink -Amber |
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N_i_C_o_L_E Junior Member
since 2008-05-01
Posts 11North Carolina |
Haven't written a single line in years, so why not give it a whirl... Why has your embrace disappeared With its absence I'm filled with fear The warmth of your touch quickly fled My heart seems lifeless, almost dead Waiting, praying, hoping for you dear Why has your embrace disappeared |
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Bluesy Socrateaser Member Elite
since 2002-11-07
Posts 2417In The Mirror |
Sounded like fun, so here's my contribution: I sang of sixpence as a child The song made all the girls go wild Just one standard was all it took No great need for a music book When I wanted the girls to smile I sang of sixpence as a child ...just bein' Bluesy [This message has been edited by Bluesy Socrateaser (02-22-2014 10:11 AM).] |
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Bluesy Socrateaser Member Elite
since 2002-11-07
Posts 2417In The Mirror |
Double post edit by Bluesy [This message has been edited by Bluesy Socrateaser (02-22-2014 10:03 AM).] |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
It's great to see someone posting here and working on assignments again. I think you both for the effort. You both followed the construction of the lines and rhymes in an acceptable manner....BUT you must also use good meter to make the poem flow. If you are not familiar with poetic meter, you can find it discusses in this forum in earlier lessons. Nichole, I'm not sure what meter you chose but try this.. "My heart seems lifeless, almost dead" That line is perfect! Take note of where the accented syllables are and duplicate that meter in the other lines and you will have an excellent poem! Bluesy....you are very close. You used the iambic which was perfect for all but two lines. Change those lines to fit the others and you have a real winner here! I'l show you the changes that I would make and perhaps you will see what I mean.. I sang of sixpence as a child The song made all the girls go wild One standard tune was all it took No great need for a music book To please the girls and make them smile I sang of sixpence as a child Thank you both for coming by! |
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Boomer Styles Member
since 2014-03-02
Posts 194South Side Of Success |
Stepped on a riser while playing the crowd I asked them if they liked it loud They all said "Boomer, you bend those strings Bend them 'til the fat lady sings" So I scratched my Strat and played it loud Stepped on a riser while playing the crowd This may be 'bending' it a little. I'm blaming it on DST which occurred tonight. So help me out when you can. Thanks! One ladle serves the soup that feeds the mouths of the many. Is there one in your hand? |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Nice, Boomer! I can hear this being recited. It's interesting that you used several different styles here. You have iambic lines, trochaic lines, anapestic ones...the whole bit. The good thing is you follow the meter through the whole line with all of them...two exceptions...the extra word "you", unnecessary, in the third line and the "fat lady" in the next. The "you" can simply be knocked out but you want to use that phrase, and it's a good one, so it stays. As I said, reciting it out out would make it perfect. Some poems are like that. Yes, DST has shot down many men...but it's better than STD! |
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Boomer Styles Member
since 2014-03-02
Posts 194South Side Of Success |
Thanks for checking out my offering Balladeer! (Gotcha on the 'DST' inversion and you couldn't be more right! I'd sooner wake an hour earlier than wake up two hours earlier yanking pipes out of the wall!) One ladle serves the soup that feeds the mouths of the many. Is there one in your hand? |
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Oklahoma Rose Senior Member
since 2008-02-28
Posts 1586Oklahoma USA |
Well, I see I have been missing out on some poetry classes. |
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Lighthousebob Member Elite
since 2000-06-14
Posts 4725California |
Here's one I posted awhile back...Don't think any made the connection (my fault). So, anyways, here it is here on the challenge that originated the poem. Thank you, -Bob Painted Ladies of San Francisco Envelope Couplets Amongst the Painted Ladies dressed like pearls that make a narrow path and boundless curl with ornamental flavor and with frills about the open bosom, so the hills extended once toward heaven have been hurled amongst the Painted Ladies dressed like pearls. Amongst the Painted Ladies dressed like pearls, Saint Francis now adorned for all the world sits leisurely excluded on the bay with cable cars and Castro District gays who once were boys but now have changed to girls amongst the Painted Ladies dressed like pearls. Amongst the Painted Ladies dressed like pearls, the fog supports Embarcadero swirls of visionary suits who've come to be the melting pot of all society wherein does modern industries unfurl amongst the Painted Ladies dressed like pearls. Amongst the Painted Ladies dressed like pearls, a homeless watches Golden Gate Park squirrels just down the street from Haight-Ashbury flops where ‘Heaven's not so far away' is plopped and psychedelic wheels of love will whirl amongst the Painted Ladies dressed like pearls. Painted Ladies = Victorian style homes /pip/Forum113/HTML/003105.html /pip/Forum113/HTML/003112.html |
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AlCowie Member
since 2011-05-13
Posts 92London, UK |
Good Morrow, Monsieur Balladeer, This actor's here and brings good cheer; I tracked away, but now I'm back No slacker I, I will attack, And practice verse and feel no fear, Good Morrow, Monsieur Balladeer! I've been away a while, but just getting back into the versification thingy all over again, time for a bit of fun! For those that don't know me, I'm Al, and for those that do, sorry it's been so long... |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Well, Lighthousebob, as chief cook and bottle-washer of this here forum, it's my job to critique the poems and point out areas that might use a little tweaking or improvement. You make that a little difficult because there ain't none! I would not change a word, a syllable or a letter of this poem. The form is exact, the flow exceptional, and you give the poem the perfect flavor of the ambiance you describe. The wordplay and lines are extremely clever. I'm sorry I missed it the first time but I am very glad you brought it back. It falls into my "I wish I had written that" category. Excellent work, friend. |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Good morrow, Al. We welcome your return. It's nice of you to stop by here to learn But I see very little to improve In my view, you're already in the groove You've written nothing I would care to spurn Good morrow, Al. We welcome your return. |
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Oklahoma Rose Senior Member
since 2008-02-28
Posts 1586Oklahoma USA |
I can see I have missed a lot. It seems to me I should be over the passing of my parents, but I'm not. My life has been in a lot of turmoil, since they passed away. |
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quatro04 Junior Member Posts 12 |
For winter’s end could not be swayed and ghostly breaths are quick to fade as prickly snowflakes melt mid-air The seasons change without a care spring is near, yes this I have prayed For winter’s end could not be swayed. |
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