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Passions in Poetry

Pass The Envelope (couplet), Please.

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Balladeer
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0 posted 12-07-2011 09:22 PM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer


Vacation is over...

The Envelope couplet has the first and last line using the same refrain which starts and completes the stanzas of that poem. The second and fifth line of each stanza rhyme with the refrain lines. This leaves only the centre couplet to change its rhyme.

I love it here at P.I.P.
It lights the inner fire in me.
When there is no one else around
And no kind faces can be found
I know where friends will always be.
I love it here at P.I.P.


Ok. I know I'm starting of rather easy but I want to make sure you all remember what good meter is. Show me...

Use as many 6-line stanzas as you like.
Alison
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1 posted 12-07-2011 10:08 PM       View Profile for Alison   Email Alison   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Alison

Winter clouds the sun
As dark oppresses light
Ice paintings tat the trees
Bends branches to their knees
Each etched in black and white
Winter clouds the sun

Captivated by the dark
The day light will not come
It lingers in bed way too late
And longs for darkness to abate
It dreams of summer sun
Captivated by the dark
Balladeer
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2 posted 12-07-2011 11:02 PM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

Nice to see you, Alison, and thanks for joining in first!!!!

Now read the instructions again and be the first to do it right!! LOL!
Alison
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3 posted 12-07-2011 11:23 PM       View Profile for Alison   Email Alison   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Alison

Damn.  There are directions?!?

Alison
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4 posted 12-08-2011 01:03 AM       View Profile for Alison   Email Alison   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Alison

As winter ice chills the light
Dark hued curtains smother bright
Ice paintings then freeze the trees
As branches bend to their knees
Forever etched black and white
As winter ice chills the light

When darkened shadows steal the sun
When morning shimmer light succumbs
A hopeful dream that cannot sate
It longs for darkness to abate
And prays that winter comes undone
When darkened shadows steal the sun
Balladeer
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5 posted 12-08-2011 08:11 AM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

Atta girl..you're always a quick study

In the spirit of stating how teachers are always hardest on the students they admire the most, now you just need to clean up the meter in two lines

Ice paintings then freeze the trees
As branches bend to their knees

They blow the meter, which is perfect in all other lines.

ICE PAINT-ings then FREEZE the TREES
as BRANCHes BEND to their KNEES

You have taken them down to 7 syllables instead of 8. Yes, in line two of the first stanza you did the same but, beginning the line trochaic, it can become implied iambic which makes it ok. The ICE PAINTing line begins with a spondee, not a trochee so it throws the rhythm off. In the second line, it's iambic, minus one long syllable.

Nor sure how to fix the first line, since ICE PAINTings is not reparable. You would need a different thought, something like...


(trochaic - implied iambic)
WInter's paintings freeze the trees
Bending branches to their knees.

or

(iambic)
Ice paint of winter freezes trees
As branches bend down to their knees.

Hey, just like old times, Alison! Love ya!

(I shall now go outside and check my branches for knees)
Alison
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6 posted 12-08-2011 02:36 PM       View Profile for Alison   Email Alison   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Alison

As winter ice chills the light
Dark hued curtains smother bright
Frosted paintings cover trees
Bending branches to bared knees
Forever etched black and white
As winter ice chills the light

When darkened shadows steal the sun
When morning shimmer light succumbs
A hopeful dream that cannot sate
It longs for darkness to abate
And prays that winter comes undone
When darkened shadows steal the sun

----

I think I have it now.  I think.

Michael, thank you for not taking it easy on me.  I have grown a lot with your help and I want to continue that growth.  I can't do it if you sugar coat my efforts.  Thank you for all the time that you take with me.

xooxxo
Alison


[This message has been edited by Alison (12-08-2011 03:17 PM).]

Balladeer
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7 posted 12-08-2011 05:35 PM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

Very good, Alison! For a moment I had a small problem with..

Forever etched black and white
As winter ice chills the light

because you killed the iambic with the two accented syllables together.

etched black
ice chills

but, since you did the same thing on both lines of the couplet, it's acceptable.

That's what I love about you. You never give up
Alison
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8 posted 12-08-2011 11:32 PM       View Profile for Alison   Email Alison   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Alison

Dear 'deer,

Thank you.  Did you find the knees on the branches of your trees?  If you look reallly close, you'll see them.  Honest.  

I love that you got the classes going again.  I am going to put my poem in Open Poetry, and do a plug for the class.

It's fun.

Alison
Dr.Moose1
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9 posted 12-09-2011 12:30 PM       View Profile for Dr.Moose1   Email Dr.Moose1   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Dr.Moose1

Alison,
Well now, I think your poem is just the trees bees of poetry, or something to that effect, lol.
Doc

I'm gonna jump right in here and throw this one out ( big surprise ).

I must try to contain my joy
a proper vessel to employ
a tanker ship might do the trick
but if the captain got sea sick
he might run it aground, ahoy!
I must try to contain my joy

I must retain my cool aplomb
and not explode like an h-bomb
Vacation's over! Deer is back!
To give us what this workshop lacked!
Oh, hey, but seriously,"Mom"
I must retain my cool aplomb

I'll never let on that I care
unless I slip up unaware
about this course or Balladeer
oops, may have done just that I fear
I'd rather brave his baleful stare
I'll never let on that I care
Balladeer
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10 posted 12-09-2011 12:58 PM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

Nice, doc. Now read the instructions and get your ship on course.
Dr.Moose1
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11 posted 12-09-2011 02:31 PM       View Profile for Dr.Moose1   Email Dr.Moose1   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Dr.Moose1

Balladeer
Welcome back, gotcha, I am so used to saying PIP instead of P, I, P, I  misinterpreted your example on which I based my write  ( not the directions, which I have read now ). See, that's why you needed to get back here, directions, who would've thought...
Doc
Alison
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12 posted 12-09-2011 02:36 PM       View Profile for Alison   Email Alison   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Alison

I did the same thing, Doc, with P I P.  Read pip instead of the initials.  Our Balladeer is a tricky one!

Dr.Moose1
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13 posted 12-09-2011 02:44 PM       View Profile for Dr.Moose1   Email Dr.Moose1   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Dr.Moose1

Yes, indeed he is Alison, and, not only that but he expects us to actually read the directions, can you imagine?

Doc
Alison
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14 posted 12-09-2011 03:48 PM       View Profile for Alison   Email Alison   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Alison

Go figure!  He's a wiley wabbit!
Balladeer
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15 posted 12-09-2011 05:34 PM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

Eternal vigilance is the key

Nice revision, doc. You haven't lost a thing..
Dr.Moose1
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16 posted 12-12-2011 09:23 AM       View Profile for Dr.Moose1   Email Dr.Moose1   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Dr.Moose1

Balladeer,
Thank you m'friend, with the exception of a few more marbles that's good to know, lol.
Doc
Amberzlynnc
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17 posted 06-19-2012 09:33 PM       View Profile for Amberzlynnc   Email Amberzlynnc   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Amberzlynnc's Home Page   View IP for Amberzlynnc

My journal’s feeling light these days,
without the weight of words in ink.
Ten months and not a half is filled,
the empty pages left un-thrilled;
it’s time to write and not to think.
My journal’s feeling light these days.

-Amber

Balladeer
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18 posted 06-20-2012 12:21 AM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

I like the poem, Amber!

It deviated from the instructions, though.

The second and fifth line of each stanza rhyme with the refrain lines.

That means that the second line must rhyme with the first and the second to last line rhymes with the last, thus completing the envelope.

Thanks for joining in!
Romy
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19 posted 09-10-2012 01:22 PM       View Profile for Romy   Email Romy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Romy

Who doesn’t delight  in a bad cliché?  
An overused metaphor some might say
“Dead as a doornail” but “easy as pie”
to work on a poem and not really try
I’d like to know “at the end of the day”
Who doesn’t delight in a bad cliché?

Romy
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20 posted 09-10-2012 01:23 PM       View Profile for Romy   Email Romy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Romy

Who doesn’t delight  in a bad cliché?  
An overused metaphor some might say
“Dead as a doornail” but “easy as pie”
to work on a poem and not really try
I’d like to know “at the end of the day”
Who doesn’t delight in a bad cliché?

ken206573
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21 posted 11-13-2012 12:10 PM       View Profile for ken206573   Email ken206573   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for ken206573

Hmm I don't know if it's going with the flow, but I shall give it my all.

(A Women's Fury)
In the distance storm clouds gather
No calm, no peace in this matter
She bares cold rain and heavy hail
Bashing, smashing a tearful wail
Oh do not dare try to flatter
In the distance storm clouds gather
Balladeer
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22 posted 11-13-2012 07:48 PM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

LOLOL! Good work, Ken.....and, oh, so very true!!
ken206573
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23 posted 11-15-2012 12:22 PM       View Profile for ken206573   Email ken206573   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for ken206573

Thank you I'm glad you like it. I'm happy it came out nicely...it was fun to write it.
Amberzlynnc
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24 posted 01-27-2013 12:50 PM       View Profile for Amberzlynnc   Email Amberzlynnc   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Amberzlynnc's Home Page   View IP for Amberzlynnc

I stumbled upon this thread again and realized I never gave this poem a second whirl! So here's a new try entirely.

The years are passing in a blink
They’re gone before I’ve time to think
The curls have fallen from my hair
and “new-ish” jeans sport worn-out tears
As days go by, they start to shrink
The years are passing in a blink

-Amber

 
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