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Passions in Poetry

Allegorically Speaking.....

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ponderthepoetorrsx
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since 06-25-2011
Posts 200
U.S , Ca


25 posted 12-08-2011 02:14 AM       View Profile for ponderthepoetorrsx   Email ponderthepoetorrsx   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for ponderthepoetorrsx

your right and lamed means hurt or rather being lame means your handycapped
ponderthepoetorrsx
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since 06-25-2011
Posts 200
U.S , Ca


26 posted 12-08-2011 10:49 PM       View Profile for ponderthepoetorrsx   Email ponderthepoetorrsx   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for ponderthepoetorrsx

she is the captain of the ship
she wont allow a slip
do not fail to pay attention
when she steers you in the right direction
shes not the type to micromanage
but she'll make sure you eat your cabbage
she wont bring out the whip
as long as you show no lip
she's the captain of a ship.

hows that?
Balladeer
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27 posted 12-09-2011 07:57 AM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

Well, the allegorical part works but there is no consistent meter. I'm assuming you are writing it for a child, with the "eating cabbage" part in there and cabbage and micromanage is quite a leap for a rhyme.

You show a good imagination and I suggest you look up meter on your search engine and study it a little to see how useful it is in making your poems flow well. That's the price for delving into rhyme
 
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