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Dawn Day Dreams (as per Balladeer)
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Dawn Day Dreams (as per Balladeer) |
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Alison 
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! 
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Dawn Day Dreams She sleeps alone every night Blackened windows hide the light Bitter sorrow wells within As she counts her tawdry sins Men tip toe in through her door Always paying, demanding more Only there for pleasured skills Leaving money on the sill Dreaming of another day For a man who does not pay Longing for his loving arms Whispered words that keep her warm As she lies on tangled sheets Gazing high, softly entreats For a life that lives in day Sun to keep the night away Spirit mangled, yet still lives She charges for gifts she gives Only dawn will hear her cries With emotions well disguised Dreams still linger in her mind Hoping for new life she’ll find For tomorrow wears her name And forgives nocturnal games - Alison |
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| © Copyright 2010 Alison - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Welcome to my lair, Alison!!!  I called you in to class because I like the poem and I'd like for you to take a refreshere course to give it it's proper due. You have skipped too many classes!!! We miss you... Always paying, demanding more This is the first place the meter breaks...not bad! The extra syllable hurts. I would suggest Always pay, demanding more or Always paying, wanting more. Gazing high, softly entreats That "softly" is a killer that ruins the meter of the line.. Obviously "high" is an accented syllable and must not have another accented syllable following it. Since I'm not sure what "softly entreats" means there, I can't suggest an alternative but you need to have "high" followed by an unaccented syllable. She charges for gifts she gives One syllable too many and the only line in the stanza that begins iambic with an unaccented syllable. I would suggest,, Charging for the gifts she gives. That's it! The rest of the poem is excellent, both in meter and content. You are still a star to me.  |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
I'll be back later to make the changes. Thank you for caring as you do - for what it's worth. I have been working on the historical poem for a month or so. I just can't get it to do what I want. I have some catching up to do here with the lessons, but I am in here several times a week. The Poetry Workshop is my haven, even when I am quiet. Maybe even more when I am quiet. Thank you, Michael. xoxoxoxo A |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
"softly" in this poem was a cop-out adjective/adverb (I think adverb ~ but am not going to spend a lot of time thinking about a word I am going to kick to the curb). I'll be bahk!  |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Ok, Arnold!! |
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rachaelfuchsberger
since 2007-02-21
Posts 609Las Vegas, NV |
I'm completely amazed by the poem as it is...If it's possible to make it better, I'm sure I'll be left breathless. -Arana Darkwolf |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
Dawn Day Dreams She sleeps alone every night Blackened windows hide the light Bitter sorrow wells within As she counts salacious sins Righteous men sneak through her door Service rendered, wanting more Paying for her pleasure skills Leaving money on the sill Wistful dreams of other days For a man who needs not pay Pining for his loving arms Whispered words that keep her warm As she lies on tangled sheets Longing grows with each entreat For a life that lives in day Sun to keep the night away Spirit mangled, yet still lives One small piece she will not give Only dawn will hear her cries With emotions well disguised Dreams still linger in her mind Hoping for new life she’ll find For tomorrow wears her name And forgives nocturnal games - Alison [This message has been edited by Alison (07-22-2010 12:34 PM).] |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
Hey, Rachael, thank you for your vote of confidence in me. xoxoxo Z |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Excellent, Alison! Your changes are excellent and the poem flows well. There is only one line that breaks from the meter but, since it's the first line and the meter has not yet been established, it's fine to leave as it is. Great work, as always, my friend.  |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
You know, the first line contradicts the rest of the poem ~ A --- Dawn Day Dreams Entertaining every night Blackened windows hide the light Bitter sorrow wells within As she counts salacious sins Righteous men sneak through her door Service rendered, wanting more Paying for her pleasure skills Leaving money on the sill Wistful dreams of other days For a man who needs not pay Pining for his loving arms Whispered words that keep her warm As she lies on tangled sheets Longing grows with each entreat For a life that lives in day Sun to keep the night away Spirit mangled, yet still lives One small piece she will not give Only dawn will hear her cries With emotions well disguised Dreams still linger in her mind Hoping for new life she’ll find For tomorrow wears her name And forgives nocturnal games - Alison |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
...and THAT'S why you are the poetess I admire! |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
Thank you so much for helping me work the bugs out - I love that about you. Now, back to assignments, I guess, huh. xoxoxo Alison |
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