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Passions in Poetry

Dawn Day Dreams (as per Balladeer)

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Alison
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0 posted 07-20-2010 12:00 AM       View Profile for Alison   Email Alison   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Alison

Dawn Day Dreams


She sleeps alone every night
Blackened windows hide the light
Bitter sorrow wells within
As she counts her tawdry sins

Men tip toe in through her door
Always paying, demanding more
Only there for pleasured skills
Leaving money on the sill

Dreaming of another day
For a man who does not pay
Longing for his loving arms
Whispered words that keep her warm

As she lies on tangled sheets
Gazing high, softly entreats
For a life that lives in day
Sun to keep the night away

Spirit mangled, yet still lives
She charges for gifts she gives
Only dawn will hear her cries
With emotions well disguised

Dreams still linger in her mind
Hoping for new life she’ll find
For tomorrow wears her name
And forgives nocturnal games

-

Alison

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Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA


1 posted 07-20-2010 07:44 AM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

Welcome to my lair, Alison!!!  

I called you in to class because I like the poem and I'd like for you to take a refreshere course to give it it's proper due. You have skipped too many classes!!! We miss you...

Always paying, demanding more

This is the first place the meter breaks...not bad! The extra syllable hurts. I would suggest

Always pay, demanding more  or Always paying, wanting more.

Gazing high, softly entreats

That "softly" is a killer that ruins the meter of the line.. Obviously "high" is an accented syllable and must not have another accented syllable following it. Since I'm not sure what "softly entreats" means there, I can't suggest an alternative but you need to have "high" followed by an unaccented syllable.

She charges for gifts she gives

One syllable too many and the only line in the stanza that begins iambic with an unaccented syllable. I would suggest,,

Charging for the gifts she gives.

That's it! The rest of the poem is excellent, both in meter and content. You are still a star to me.


Alison
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2 posted 07-20-2010 10:24 AM       View Profile for Alison   Email Alison   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Alison

I'll be back later to make the changes.  Thank you for caring as you do - for what it's worth.  I have been working on the historical poem for a month or so.  I just can't get it to do what I want.  I have some catching up to do here with the lessons, but I am in here several times a week. The Poetry Workshop is my haven, even when I am quiet.  Maybe even more when I am quiet.

Thank you, Michael.

xoxoxoxo
A
Alison
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3 posted 07-20-2010 10:26 AM       View Profile for Alison   Email Alison   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Alison

"softly" in this poem was a cop-out adjective/adverb (I think adverb ~ but am not going to spend a lot of time thinking about a word I am going to kick to the curb).  I'll be bahk!

Balladeer
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4 posted 07-20-2010 02:24 PM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

Ok, Arnold!!
rachaelfuchsberger
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5 posted 07-21-2010 04:47 PM       View Profile for rachaelfuchsberger   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for rachaelfuchsberger

I'm completely amazed by the poem as it is...If it's possible to make it better, I'm sure I'll be left breathless.

-Arana Darkwolf
Like a cat, I'll land on my feet. I always do.

Alison
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Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!


6 posted 07-22-2010 04:04 AM       View Profile for Alison   Email Alison   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Alison

Dawn Day Dreams


She sleeps alone every night
Blackened windows hide the light
Bitter sorrow wells within
As she counts salacious sins

Righteous men sneak through her door
Service rendered, wanting more
Paying for her pleasure skills
Leaving money on the sill

Wistful dreams of other days
For a man who needs not pay
Pining for his loving arms
Whispered words that keep her warm

As she lies on tangled sheets
Longing grows with each entreat
For a life that lives in day
Sun to keep the night away

Spirit mangled, yet still lives
One small piece she will not give
Only dawn will hear her cries
With emotions well disguised

Dreams still linger in her mind
Hoping for new life she’ll find
For tomorrow wears her name
And forgives nocturnal games

-

Alison

[This message has been edited by Alison (07-22-2010 12:34 PM).]

Alison
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7 posted 07-23-2010 01:04 AM       View Profile for Alison   Email Alison   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Alison

Hey, Rachael, thank you for your vote of confidence in me.  



xoxoxo
Z
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8 posted 07-23-2010 02:24 PM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

Excellent, Alison! Your changes are excellent and the poem flows well. There is only one line that breaks from the meter but, since it's the first line and the meter has not yet been established, it's fine to leave as it is.

Great work, as always, my friend.
Alison
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9 posted 07-23-2010 02:53 PM       View Profile for Alison   Email Alison   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Alison

You know, the first line contradicts the rest of the poem ~ A
---

Dawn Day Dreams


Entertaining every night
Blackened windows hide the light
Bitter sorrow wells within
As she counts salacious sins

Righteous men sneak through her door
Service rendered, wanting more
Paying for her pleasure skills
Leaving money on the sill

Wistful dreams of other days
For a man who needs not pay
Pining for his loving arms
Whispered words that keep her warm

As she lies on tangled sheets
Longing grows with each entreat
For a life that lives in day
Sun to keep the night away

Spirit mangled, yet still lives
One small piece she will not give
Only dawn will hear her cries
With emotions well disguised

Dreams still linger in her mind
Hoping for new life she’ll find
For tomorrow wears her name
And forgives nocturnal games

-

Alison
Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 06-05-99
Posts 26302
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA


10 posted 07-23-2010 03:26 PM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

...and THAT'S why you are the poetess I admire!
Alison
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Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!


11 posted 07-23-2010 10:37 PM       View Profile for Alison   Email Alison   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Alison

Thank you so much for helping me work the bugs out - I love that about you.  Now, back to assignments, I guess, huh.

xoxoxo
Alison
 
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