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Passions in Poetry

My first attempt of a villanelle

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Bailey
Junior Member
since 04-09-2010
[First Post] 12
Georgia, US


0 posted 04-09-2010 02:22 PM       View Profile for Bailey   Email Bailey   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Bailey

I grab my cowgirl hat and go.
My braided pigtails down my back.
For new adventures are in tow.

And for my trespases I bow,
taking roots for the meicine rack,
I grab my cowgirl hat and go.

Off to the river I will go.
The playing currents took my pack!
For new adventures are in tow.

I take a boat and I must row.
My food and nature were in that sack!
I grab my cowgirl hat and go!

It's getting late and Ma' will know.
I still have hope I will not crack.
For new adventures are in tow.

I have a plan which is so low.
Reaching for my pack I attack!
I grab my cowgirl hat and go.
For new adventures are in tow.

Bailey

Balladeer
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Member Empyrean
since 06-05-99
Posts 26302
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA


1 posted 04-10-2010 12:00 AM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

Hello, Bailey! it is the adventurous high schooler indeed to attempts villanelles and you have done very well.

The syllable counts need to be exact. You have decided to go with eight syllables per line, which is fine, however in the middle lines of the second and fourth stanzas, you use 9 instead of 8, which throws the rhythm off a bit. You employ a very excellent iambic beat throughout the poem....almost. The middle line of the second stanza deviates from it but, when you correct the syllable counts, that may correct itself. The line "reaching for my pack I attack" just doesn't make it at all. It's very clumsy and has no meter that corresponds to any other part of the poem. You need a different line there.

As I told Johan, the Open forum is for posting poetry whereas this forum is for following specific assignments. You will get much more feedback for your writing there.

Very nice to see you!
Bailey
Junior Member
since 04-09-2010
Posts 12
Georgia, US


2 posted 04-17-2010 04:05 PM       View Profile for Bailey   Email Bailey   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Bailey

Thank you!! I realized the one line that didnt really fit after. I posted here because I wanted the corections they help so much. After seeing your reply I have been able to fix my mistakes. thanks
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