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Write for Me, Quaternally
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Write for Me, Quaternally |
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Balladeer
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since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA 
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Quatern A Quatern is a sixteen line French form composed of four quatrains. It is similar to the Kyrielle and the Retourne. It has a refrain that is in a different place in each quatrain. The first line of stanza one is the second line of stanza two, third line of stanza three, and fourth line of stanza four. A quatern has eight syllables per line. Example True Love, Redefined One day she hopes true love to find, One soul, one mind, two hearts entwined; Somewhere out there’s the perfect guy, For Youth has set her standards high. He must be rich, handsome, refined, One day she hopes true love to find; Yet no one seems to measure up And disappointment fills her cup. The years go by, her nights grow long, Her aging voice sings sorrow’s song. One day she hopes true love to find, Her definition redefined; Simply a plain and faithful friend To see her to life’s journey’s end; For though her face with age be lined, One day she hopes true love to find. Copyright © 2003 Linda Newman |
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Balladeer
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since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
So quat's new? |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
Quat did you say ? I don't believe I heard you Quat right. Quat and give me twenty for Quat is where it's aht! Doc |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
There's much to do before the fall of night, let us embrace the day, the multitude of tasks which call, a moment in the sun to play. The strength to see us through it all. There's much to do before the fall a season of transition when we gather to ourselves again what spring and summer plantings bear our portion Nature chose to share. There's much to do before the fall at times it makes one feel so small. The hands of time move oh so fast, these are the days of future passed uncertain of our curtain call, there's much to do before the fall. |
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rachaelfuchsberger
since 2007-02-21
Posts 609Las Vegas, NV |
I will certainly attempt this one, but, good Sir Balladeer, I would like to know your opinion of the song I posted on the last lesson. On a side note, the results came in, and my girlfriend does have breast cancer. We don't know much right now, but we will be going to an oncologist tomorrow. Arana Darkwolf [This message has been edited by rachaelfuchsberger (10-14-2009 06:22 PM).] |
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Balladeer
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since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Excellent work, Dr. That last stanza is one of the best I've seen. You've earned a quater for your efforts  |
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Balladeer
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since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
My apologies, Rachel...that one got by me. I like it! I like the thoughts and the way all of your stanza are the same and yet different by the clever insertions of different words while keeping the message the same. Cleverly done.... And I'm very sorry to hear about your friend. Hopefully, it will be treatable and she will beat it. Best wishes to her... |
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rachaelfuchsberger
since 2007-02-21
Posts 609Las Vegas, NV |
Thank you, good Sir. We are taking it all one step at a time now. Arana Darkwolf |
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Earth Angel Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215Realms of Light |
Deer Moose, if there's much to do before the fall, then I best get crackin'!!!  Actually, I just got out of the horsepistol and I'm at home with an I.V. running in my hand which makes keying a tad bit uncomfortable. So I'll be brief. That was a great Quatern!!!  LL |
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Earth Angel Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215Realms of Light |
Dear sweet Rachael, that was not the news that I was hoping for. Sending up prayers for her well-being ~ and yours, Love, Linda |
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dragngrl28 Junior Member
since 2009-10-12
Posts 45Texas, USA |
Time is forever cheating me Placing wrinkles where smooth should be Stealing auburn and leaving gray Taking a little youth each day Breasts now where belly used to be Time is forever cheating me A second chin grown overnight Thighs that crowd and constantly fight Aching, creaking and moaning joints The blame to time my finger points Time is forever cheaating me Forever stealing youth's beauty Push up bras aand cellular creams Will not restore a beauty's dreams I cannot have what used to be Time is forever cheating me This is a first time so I don't know if its spot on. |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Welcome, dragngrl! Nice to have you join us.. This is a great topic and your repeating line is very good. The descriptive words are clever and you paint a picture in one's mind that I could have lived without!  If you were to work on the meter, it would really be excellent. Since you are new here, you may want to check back into early lessons on meter, rhythm and other mechanics or, if you like, I can point out where the meter breaks down, inhibiting the flow of the lines. In any case...welcome to the workshop  Angel, you cam home from the hospital with a four?? That's weird! I'll be heading there myself soon...I'll give them your regards. Hope you're doing better!  |
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dragngrl28 Junior Member
since 2009-10-12
Posts 45Texas, USA |
I think the flow of the last lines of the 2nd and 3rd stanzas are off. Are these the ones you saw? I will definitly check out the meter pages. Thank you for the response. Formal poetry has always given me a hard time but if you never try then you never grow |
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nakdthoughts Member Laureate
since 2000-10-29
Posts 19200Between the Lines |
Like the Wynter Needs the Spring I play across their minds each day In comfort of the words they say. Adventuring the out of in. Tomorrow's try: a new begin. Although at times they go astray I play across their minds each day To teach within from heart and soul Those little ones in my control. Reflecting on their love of all I hold them up, to never fall. I play across their minds each day And often tears I wipe away. Like Wynter needs the Spring each year To feel the warmth to persevere. To lift those thoughts that on me weigh, I play across their minds each day. M (Wynter) "Love is not blind - It sees more and not less, but because it sees more, it is willing to see less." |
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Balladeer
Administrator
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since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Yes, dragngrl, those are the two that stand out the most. There are others.. TIME is for-EV-er CHEAT-ing ME PLAC-ing WRINK-les where SMOOTH should BE STEAL-ing AUB-urn an LEAV-ing GRAY TAK-ing a LIT-tle YOUTH each DAY. In the first stanza, the first and fourth lines have the same meter and so does the second and third...but it should be the first and second...or the first and third. Some of the lines begin iambically and some begin trochaicly. "Me" and "beauty" is not a good rhyme. "The blame to time my finger points" could really use a different way to say that. It sounds very disjointed. Aside from all that, I like the poem. I can see how, by reciting it aloud, one can make it all come together very well. I appreciate your effort and determination |
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Balladeer
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since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Very nice, Maureen! Can't say I'm a fan of "a new begin" but you paint a heart-touching scenario with your words...I LIKE it! |
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Elias Nevermore Member
since 2007-11-03
Posts 152 |
Aging The minute hand strikes twelve at last. Here they come, demons of the past to prey upon my sins of old and torment me, body and soul. Staring into space, time dies fast. The minute hand strikes twelve at last. One cycle has been completed, leaving me tired and depleted. I count the seconds in my head, before they haunt me once again. The minute hand strikes twelve at last. My mind's gate allows them to pass. Demons feed off my inner pain, and I slowly become insane, as I watch my whole life elapse. The minute hand strikes twelve at last. "Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing, Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortals ever dared to dream before;" -Edgar All [This message has been edited by Elias Nevermore (10-16-2009 03:56 AM).] |
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Balladeer
Administrator
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since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Dark, foreboding....and pretty darn accurate, Elias! The lack of rhythm and meter hurts the presentation, though. It could use both. Thanks for joining in. I appreciate it |
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nakdthoughts Member Laureate
since 2000-10-29
Posts 19200Between the Lines |
Hey Mike, you know I always put a different "twist" on my words...of course it means a new beginning which wouldn't work... M |
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Balladeer
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since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Sure, I know what it meant, m'lady. I had just never seen begin used as a noun before (neither has Webster's) It comes across as a truncated word used because the appropriate word would not fit into the structure of the poem....which is probably pretty accurate. Personally I would go with something like "Tomorrow it begins again" or something along those lines. Please don't use the same thought process when writing of the coming of Spring!  |
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rachaelfuchsberger
since 2007-02-21
Posts 609Las Vegas, NV |
Here is my attempt at this form. I'll Love You Always Forever I'll love you always forever And come what may come whatever This news that's blown us both away Will increase our loving display I cherish you with a ferver I'll love you always forever And no matter how bad it seems Together we'll make our own dreams We'll plan out our good bright future And our love will be it's nurture I'll love you always forever We will get through this together Even in sickness and in health Our love will be each other's wealth Our fated love will fade never I'll love you always forever Arana Darkwolf [This message has been edited by rachaelfuchsberger (10-17-2009 07:12 PM).] |
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Balladeer
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since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Rachael, I appreciate the effort (really!) but the meter is lost in many lines and the "always forever" is a redundant phrase which doesn't fly that well, imo. Sorry.... |
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rachaelfuchsberger
since 2007-02-21
Posts 609Las Vegas, NV |
Good Sir Balladeer, I will work on the meter. However, always forever is an inside thing with Tonia and I. I'll say "always and forever" and she'll say "forever and always" or vice versa, so that one's gonna stay. Arana Darkwolf |
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Titia Geertman Member Ascendant
since 2001-05-07
Posts 5182Netherlands |
Dear Sir, would you please dance with me? I watched you and I hope you're free, I love to move on music's sound, Get off your feet and swirl me 'round. I'll treat you after, on some Brie, Dear Sir, would you please dance with me? I'll even order some good wine, If I could call you this night mine. I warn you, I am rather old, But still in quite good shape I'm told. Dear Sir, would you please dance with me? An English walz, counts one, two, three. It's been long time since my last dance, And maybe now, I have a chance, But only if you will agree, Dear Sir, would you please dance with me? Like scattered leaves...my words will flow [This message has been edited by Titia Geertman (10-18-2009 08:17 PM).] |
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Balladeer
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since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
No problem, Rachel. There's a big difference between "always and forever" and "always forever" but it's your choice because it's YOUR poem |
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Earth Angel Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215Realms of Light |
Demon Seed (Quatern) Black pepper always makes me sneeze. It makes me cough and makes me wheeze. Although it is a tasty spice ~ Ground pepper is not very nice! I salt my food with total ease. ~ Black pepper always makes me sneeze. If I inhale it up my nose, please spray me down with water hose! My eyes will water ~ then turn red. I’ll head for safety of my bed. Black pepper always makes me sneeze ~ Sets throat on fire like stings from bees! A peppercorn’s a demon seed. It burns my nose and makes it bleed. ~ So do not pass the shaker, please! Black pepper always makes me sneeze! LLD [This message has been edited by Earth Angel (10-19-2009 02:11 PM).] |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
EA, Your poem has kind of a Seussian flavor to it,lol. Doc |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
Tarzans' Blues Ungawa, pasi, nip adoo me Tarzan, I'm the king, that's who! I swing it any way I please and hang out with the chimpanzees! Then Jane come here from overseas, ungawa, pasi, nip adoo she great big pain in BVDs she make me do what she want to! I was the master of all beasts, the tribal chieftans threw me feasts ungawa, pasi, nip adoo now I get squat since she got through! Beware of Jane! No good for you! she take your pesas and igmoo and give you the Swahili blues ungawa, pasi, nip adoo! [This message has been edited by Dr.Moose1 (10-20-2009 07:11 AM).] |
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Balladeer
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since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Ah, Dutchie, no man alive would refuse a dance with you! Very good effort, my knuffelmeister. There is one part, however... I'll treat you after, on some Brie, Unless we are going to be lying on a piece of cheese while you treat me, that line doesn't work....although it DOES present a nice mental image!  |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Angel, I just KNEW when I gave this lesson someone would write about black pepper.....not! Your imagination is a wonderful place.The only thing I would be snitty about is the double use of hose in one sentence but, since women often speak about "a pair of hose", I guess it's fine Very fine work, m'lady |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Moose, "ungawa, pasi, nip adoo" is really an overused phrase in the world of poetry....NOT! Lemmee guess.....moose lingo, right? There are a couple of errors. First, you are missing a syllable in the second to last sentence which throws the meter off and, second, any follower of the king of the jungle knows that Tarzan does NOT wear BVD's!!! Aside from that, you thrill us with the same runaway imagination that provokes belly laughs the same way you always do..you never disappoint. |
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Earth Angel Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215Realms of Light |
Deer Moosie ~ Your witty poem made me chuckle! ~ 'Caused sides to split and knees to buckle! Ungaroo tiddy zoo bah doo, Janey xo |
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Earth Angel Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215Realms of Light |
Sir B ~ You slay me, sir knight, with your sense of humor!  Point noted, and corrected. Merci, teach! LL |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
Balladeer, Laughed my head off @ your reply, corrected the typos, but nope, not "Moose lingo". As far as I could gather from research, all words in question are either Swahili or early Portugese which became incorporated into the Swahili language with the exception of "ungawa" and "Nip adoo" which were made up for the movies. Doc EA, Lol, but I'd be careful, we don't use that kind of language around my igmoo! Doc |
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rachaelfuchsberger
since 2007-02-21
Posts 609Las Vegas, NV |
I'll LOVE you ALways FORevER And COME what MAY or WHATevER This NEWS that's BLOWN us BOTH aWAY Will INcrease OUR lovING disPLAY I CHERish YOU with SUCH fervER I'll LOVE you ALways FORevER And NEVer MIND how BAD it SEEMS ToGEther WE'LL make OUR own DREAMS We'll PLAN toGEther OUR fuTURE We'll PAINT a CHERished LOVE picTURE I'll LOVE you ALways FORevER We'll GET through ALL this TOgeTHER EvEN in SICKness AND in HEALTH Our LOVE will BE each OTHer's WEALTH Our FATed LOVE will FADE neVER I'll LOVE you ALways FORevER Arana Darkwolf |
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Balladeer
Administrator
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since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Still not there, Rachel.. The first line is yours The second is mine. I'll LOVE you ALways FORevER i'll LOVE you ALways forEVer And COME what MAY or WHATevER and COME what MAY or whatEVer Will INcrease OUR lovING disPLAY WILL inCREASE our LOVing disPLAY I CHERish YOU with SUCH fervER i CHERish YOU with SUCH FERver ToGEther WE'LL make OUR own DREAMS toGETher we'll MAKE our own DREAMS We'll PLAN toGEther OUR fuTURE we'll PLAN toGEther our FUture We'll PAINT a CHERished LOVE picTURE we'll PAINT a CHERished love PICture Our FATed LOVE will FADE neVER our FATed LOVE will FADE NEver IN line 12 you say toGETher in line 15 you say TOgetHER Keep at it, miss |
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rachaelfuchsberger
since 2007-02-21
Posts 609Las Vegas, NV |
Iambic will be the death of me yet. I'll try it again. Arana Darkwolf |
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Titia Geertman Member Ascendant
since 2001-05-07
Posts 5182Netherlands |
Ha ha, image is clear. Oh well Deer, you know me, always struggling with the English grammar, never know for sure when to use 'on' or when to use 'at' or when not to use them at all. LOL can't get the image you pictured from my mind. I'll be even laughing in my sleep I guess. But still I don't know how to say it differently. Should it have been - I'll treat you after, to some brie - ? Oh that doesn't sound good either, that sounds like an exact translation from the Dutch. Have to think about this. Thanks for pointing it out to me. Like scattered leaves...my words will flow |
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Balladeer
Administrator
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since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Actually, dutchie.."I'll treat you after, to some brie" is perfect. In English we treat someone TO something |
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Titia Geertman Member Ascendant
since 2001-05-07
Posts 5182Netherlands |
Ok, thanks Deer, but I'll be treating you ON Brie forever I fear, because I can't change it anymore (it's past the twentyfour hours) LOL Like scattered leaves...my words will flow |
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rachaelfuchsberger
since 2007-02-21
Posts 609Las Vegas, NV |
Ok...different poem, but I think I got it right this time. we HAVE unENDing LOVE to SHARE and FOR each OTHer WE are THERE this CANcer IS someTHING to FIGHT but WE will MAKE sure IT'S alRIGHT toGETHer WE'RE abLE to BEAR we HAVE unENDing LOVE to SHARE we'll MAKE it THROUGH this DARKest TIME we'll TAKE this MOUNtain AND we'll CLIMB through TRIals AND tribUlaTIONS we'll MAKE it THROUGH sitUaTIONS we HAVE unENDing LOVE to SHARE and EVen MORE left YET to SPARE for CHILdren THAT we'll HAVE latER our LOVE will BE evEN greatER and WE will GO toGEther THERE we HAVE unENDing LOVE to SHARE Arana Darkwolf |
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Balladeer
Administrator
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since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Much better, Rachel. Still a few off, though.. someTHING....SOMEthing abLE.....Able tribUlaTIONS....TRIBuLAtions sitUaTIONS.......SITuAtions laTER.....LAter evEN.......EVen |
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rachaelfuchsberger
since 2007-02-21
Posts 609Las Vegas, NV |
I swear to you, iambic meter is going to be the death of me. Arana Darkwolf |
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Balladeer
Administrator
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since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Believe me, Rachel, the guillotine runs a distant second to iambic as being a killer of man |
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Titia Geertman Member Ascendant
since 2001-05-07
Posts 5182Netherlands |
Rachael, try tapping your feet when reading your poem out loud, it's always helping me to get the rhythm right. Like scattered leaves...my words will flow |
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rachaelfuchsberger
since 2007-02-21
Posts 609Las Vegas, NV |
we HAVE unENDing LOVE to SHARE and FOR each OTHer WE are THERE this CANcer IS a FORCE to FIGHT but WE will MAKE sure IT'S alRIGHT toGETHer CApaBLE to BEAR we HAVE unENDing LOVE to SHARE we'll MAKE it THROUGH this DARKest TIME we'll TAKE this MOUNtain AND we'll CLIMB no MATter WHAT we'll MAKE it THROUGH 'cause YOU have ME and I have YOU we HAVE unENDing LOVE to SHARE and EVen MORE left YET to SPARE for LATer CHILdren YET to COME we'll MAKE a HAPPy LOVing HOME and WE will GO toGEther THERE we HAVE unENDing LOVE to SHARE Arana Darkwolf |
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Balladeer
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since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
When darkness filled my window pane And shadows flickered through my brain The memories returned to tease They mocked me that I could not please I did not know you were not sane When darkness filled my window pane You lurked and cowered in the night You stole far more than was your right I waited when the lights went out Your whisper shot out like a shout When darkness filled my window pane So quietly you’d call my name I hated you when all would sleep The secrets I was taught to keep Thoughts of you are all that remained When darkness filled my window pane - Alison |
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Balladeer
Administrator
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since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Welcome back, Alison! Very nicely done although you lost the meter on the second to last line. The rest is exact |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
You know, I thought that was squirrley. --- When darkness filled my window pane And shadows flickered through my brain The memories returned to tease They mocked me; I could not appease I did not know you were not sane When darkness filled my window pane You lurked and cowered in the night You stole far more than was your right I waited when the lights went out Your whisper shot out like a shout When darkness filled my window pane So quietly you’d call my name I hated you when all would sleep The secrets I was taught to keep In nightmare moments you remained When darkness filled my window pane - Alison |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
Yo, dear 'Deer - how is this version. I know we are yapping at your heels for your expert opinion and thoughts. I am a yapper too.  xoxoxo A |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Perfect correction, Alison! The flow is smooth as silk that way |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
Thank you, wonderful teacher! A |
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Amberzlynnc Member
since 2010-08-24
Posts 229New Jersey |
A glimpse into the past was seen when I met him, first day at Kean. Familiar personality, one that had brought pain to me. Promiscuous, but yet serene, a glimpse into the past was seen. Biceps bulging, short sleeves cuffed, I knew him not, but well enough. Intentions not admirable, though he was still desirable. A glimpse into the past was seen, dousing old wounds with his saline. This time I won’t be so naïve. The words he says, I won’t believe. Refuse to be where I have been, a glimpse into the past was seen. *'Kean' is the university I am attending, so it makes more sense, haha. *Amber |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Thank you, Amber! It's nice to see you joining in! You followed the guidelines to the quatern admirably and the poem is quite an interesting story. I hope that you will decide to pursue it and work on the meter. Unfortunately, the construction is very choppy and takes away from the effect of the poem. I would be happy to show you where, if you like, or perhaps you can work it out yourself. At any rate, I appreciate your participation. |
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Amberzlynnc Member
since 2010-08-24
Posts 229New Jersey |
Thank you! And I'd like a lot for you to help me out and show me where.. because I'm not sure! |
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Balladeer
Administrator
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since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
OK, then... =========== First stanza =========== The first three lines are wonderful. The last line, however, is one syllable short, which makes it sound choppy. Easy enough to correct. Only one word need be added to make the syllable count right and bring the meter back to match the other lines. I would suggest.... one that had brought much pain to me. ============ Second stanza ============ Third line begins trochaic and is also one syllable short. Again, adding a one-syllable word to begin the sentence will make it iambic and satisfy the meter. I would suggest... His biceps bulging, short sleeves cuffed ========== Third stanza ========== Last line begins trochaic with the word "dousing". That word needs to go. I would suggest.. That doused old wounds with his saline. ==================== Fourth stanza is excellent. ==================== So let's see what we have with the changes. A glimpse into the past was seen when I met him, first day at Kean. Familiar personality, one that had brought much pain to me. Promiscuous, but yet serene, a glimpse into the past was seen. His biceps bulging, short sleeves cuffed, I knew him not, but well enough. Intentions not admirable, though he was still desirable. A glimpse into the past was seen, That doused old wounds with his saline. This time I won t be so naiive. The words he says, I won t believe. Refuse to be where I have been, a glimpse into the past was seen. Perhaps you can notice the difference in the flow and smoothness of the lines and, actually, the changes were really small. You were right there and needed only minor tweaking....good work! |
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Amberzlynnc Member
since 2010-08-24
Posts 229New Jersey |
Thank you so much. I was counting the syllables the whole time while writing it, I guess I just wasn't paying attention  . But yes, I notice the difference and I will take note of it next time!*Amber |
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