How to Join Member's Area Private Library Search Today's Topics p Login
Main Forums Discussion Tech Talk Mature Content Archives
   Nav Win
 Main Forums
 Poetry Workshop
 Write for Me, Quaternally   [ Page: 1  2  3  ]
 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58
Follow us on Facebook

 Moderated by: Nan, Balladeer   (Admins )

 
User Options
Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Not Available
Admin Print Send ECard
Passions in Poetry

Write for Me, Quaternally

 Post A Reply Post New Topic   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
Alison
Deputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Rara Avis
since 01-27-2008
Posts 9055
Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!


50 posted 11-03-2009 11:12 PM       View Profile for Alison   Email Alison   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Alison

Yo, dear 'Deer - how is this version.  I know we are yapping at your heels for your expert opinion and thoughts.  I am a yapper too.



xoxoxo
A
Alison
Deputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Rara Avis
since 01-27-2008
Posts 9055
Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!


51 posted 11-04-2009 09:53 AM       View Profile for Alison   Email Alison   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Alison

  
Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 06-05-99
Posts 26302
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA


52 posted 11-09-2009 11:11 PM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

Perfect correction, Alison! The flow is smooth as silk that way
Alison
Deputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Rara Avis
since 01-27-2008
Posts 9055
Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!


53 posted 11-10-2009 01:01 AM       View Profile for Alison   Email Alison   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Alison

Thank you, wonderful teacher!

A
Amberzlynnc
Member
since 08-24-2010
Posts 227
New Jersey


54 posted 09-02-2010 01:40 AM       View Profile for Amberzlynnc   Email Amberzlynnc   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Amberzlynnc's Home Page   View IP for Amberzlynnc

A glimpse into the past was seen
when I met him, first day at Kean.
Familiar personality,
one that had brought pain to me.

Promiscuous, but yet serene,
a glimpse into the past was seen.
Biceps bulging, short sleeves cuffed,
I knew him not, but well enough.

Intentions not admirable,
though he was still desirable.
A glimpse into the past was seen,
dousing old wounds with his saline.

This time I won’t be so naïve.
The words he says, I won’t believe.
Refuse to be where I have been,
a glimpse into the past was seen.


*'Kean' is the university I am attending, so it makes more sense, haha.

*Amber

Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 06-05-99
Posts 26302
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA


55 posted 09-02-2010 07:20 PM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

Thank you, Amber! It's nice to see you joining in!

You followed the guidelines to the quatern admirably and the poem is quite an interesting story.

I hope that you will decide to pursue it and work on the meter. Unfortunately, the construction is very choppy and takes away from the effect of the poem. I would be happy to show you where, if you like, or perhaps you can work it out yourself. At any rate, I appreciate your participation.
Amberzlynnc
Member
since 08-24-2010
Posts 227
New Jersey


56 posted 09-04-2010 12:54 AM       View Profile for Amberzlynnc   Email Amberzlynnc   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Amberzlynnc's Home Page   View IP for Amberzlynnc

Thank you!
And I'd like a lot for you to help me out and show me where.. because I'm not sure!
Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 06-05-99
Posts 26302
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA


57 posted 09-04-2010 11:05 PM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

OK, then...

===========
First stanza
===========

The first three lines are wonderful. The last line, however, is one syllable short, which makes it sound choppy. Easy enough to correct. Only one word need be added to make the syllable count right and bring the meter back to match the other lines. I would suggest....

one that had brought much pain to me.

============
Second stanza
============

Third line begins trochaic and is also one syllable short. Again, adding a one-syllable word to begin the sentence will make it iambic and satisfy the meter. I would suggest...

His biceps bulging, short sleeves cuffed

==========
Third stanza
==========

Last line begins trochaic with the word "dousing". That word needs to go. I would suggest..

That doused old wounds with his saline.

====================
Fourth stanza is excellent.
====================

So let's see what we have with the changes.

A glimpse into the past was seen
when I met him, first day at Kean.
Familiar personality,
one that had brought much pain to me.

Promiscuous, but yet serene,
a glimpse into the past was seen.
His biceps bulging, short sleeves cuffed,
I knew him not, but well enough.

Intentions not admirable,
though he was still desirable.
A glimpse into the past was seen,
That doused old wounds with his saline.

This time I won t be so naiive.
The words he says, I won t believe.
Refuse to be where I have been,
a glimpse into the past was seen.

Perhaps you can notice the difference in the flow and smoothness of the lines and, actually, the changes were really small. You were right there and needed only minor tweaking....good work!

Amberzlynnc
Member
since 08-24-2010
Posts 227
New Jersey


58 posted 09-06-2010 09:20 AM       View Profile for Amberzlynnc   Email Amberzlynnc   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Amberzlynnc's Home Page   View IP for Amberzlynnc

Thank you so much. I was counting the syllables the whole time while writing it, I guess I just wasn't paying attention . But yes, I notice the difference and I will take note of it next time!

*Amber

 
 Post A Reply Post New Topic   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
All times are ET (US) Top
  User Options
>> Main Forums >> Poetry Workshop >> Write for Me, Quaternally   [ Page: 1  2  3  ] Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Not Available
Print Send ECard

 

pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Today's Topics | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary



© Passions in Poetry and netpoets.com 1998-2013
All Poetry and Prose is copyrighted by the individual authors