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Let's Ride the Monotetra!!
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Let's Ride the Monotetra!! |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA 
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The monotetra is a new poetic form developed by Michael Walker. Each stanza contains four lines in monorhyme. Each line is in tetrameter (four metrical feet) for a total of eight syllables. What makes the monotetra so powerful as a poetic form, is that the last line contains two metrical feet, repeated. It can have as few as one or two stanzas, or as many as desired. Stanza Structure: Line 1: 8 syllables; A1 Line 2: 8 syllables; A2 Line 3: 8 syllables; A3 Line 4: 4 syllables, repeated; A4, A4 Example: An Angel Spoke To Me Today An angel spoke to me today But what she said I cannot say Though my mind's eye strives to replay It slips away, it slips away... I know she came into my room And lifted me from pain and gloom To see the beauty of the moon But gone too soon, but gone too soon... Her words - they flowed like honey spun From the rays of the ling'ring sun And when the whole affair was done I was at one, I was at one. An angel spoke to me today And what she taught I still replay For all the blacks and browns and grays Have gone away, have gone away. Copyright © 2003 Michael Walker |
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| © Copyright 2009 Michael Mack - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Hey! Somebody's playing hookey!!!  |
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Oklahoma Rose Senior Member
since 2008-02-28
Posts 1586Oklahoma USA |
Hi Balladeer, my friend! How are you feeling? I may try this one. I'll see what I can come up with. |
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Alison 
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
I just finished designing my best friend's wedding invitation. We got it printed tonight - after a week or so of hair tearing and re-doing. I will be back this weekend to post to this assignment. I remember Ruth did this a few years ago and I tried it. It's a fascinating poetic style .. for me anyway. Welcome back, dear 'deer. I missed you.  A |
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Earth Angel Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215Realms of Light |
Playing hookey? ~ Not I, not I.  Fairy in the Well (Monotetra) While walking through the wooded dell, I heard a cry from nearby well What fairy said ~ as down she fell, ~ I will not tell, I will not tell... On rim of well, there sat a crow. It asked me to look down below As gentle breeze began to blow ~ I saw a glow, I saw a glow... I lowered bucket ~ “Help is nigh!” With great relief, she breathed a sigh. As sun burst through the brooding sky ~ We waved goodbye, we waved goodbye... While walking through the wooded dell, I heard a cry from nearby well What fairy said ~ as down she fell, ~ I will not tell, I will not tell... LLD |
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Earth Angel Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215Realms of Light |
Alison, you must have posted your reply while I was writing mine! That is wonderful that you designed your best friend's wedding invitations! She is fortunate to have an artistic ~ and generous ~ friend such as yourself!  Sending best wishes to your friend and her fiance for a long and joyful, prosperous, healthy, bountiful life together!  Linder Lou |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
I can see the wedding invitations now....two moose locking horns with the caption "Come blubber with us"! Sounds like fun!  |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Ah, Angel, you come through once again. I didn't expect the construction to give you much of a problem but it's the topics you come up with that amaze. Rescuing a fairy who had fallen down a well? Your mind would be a nice place to visit! For that matter, so.......ah, never mind  |
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Earth Angel Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215Realms of Light |
Thank you, 'deer' Buck-aroo! The roads are varied in my mind And if you entered, you would find, My thoughts are often metered rhyme ~ Of fantasy and the sublime. |
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Oklahoma Rose Senior Member
since 2008-02-28
Posts 1586Oklahoma USA |
Don't give up on me yet. |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
Linder, I agree with Balladeer. Your poetry tells such imaginative stories. It flows beautifully and ... I want to know. I want to know. Moose horns locking? That cracked me up. Whata loada BULL! Love you guys, A |
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Oklahoma Rose Senior Member
since 2008-02-28
Posts 1586Oklahoma USA |
Ok, here is my attempt for this assignment. Well, I messed this one up too. So, I'll give it another try. [This message has been edited by Oklahoma Rose (09-12-2009 04:15 PM).] |
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rachaelfuchsberger
since 2007-02-21
Posts 609Las Vegas, NV |
if I am EVer TO unWIND i’ll HAVE to PUT my NOSE to GRIND So THAT i MIGHT just KEEP my MIND No MORE beHIND, no MORE beHIND Arana Darkwolf |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
DOn't worry, Rose...I'm patient  Rachel..very good. I see you are paying attention to meter and that's a good thing! One thing, though... So THAT i MIGHT just KEEP my MIND Yes, if I follow your accents, that works well. However, without them being capitalized, I would not have followed them. I would have read... so that I MIGHT just KEEP my MIND That's always a tricky area, trying to figure out how someone else will read it. The best rule of thumb is....if there's any chance they will read it differently, change it. You could say, for example,... so I just might not lose my mind That can basically be read only one way and solves the problem. Just consider that at times. Your assignment is fine  |
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rachaelfuchsberger
since 2007-02-21
Posts 609Las Vegas, NV |
Thank you, good Sir. I will certainly keep that in mind. Arana Darkwolf |
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brneyedgrly Senior Member
since 2009-06-08
Posts 1125nowhere and everywhere |
linda..lovely fairy-tale arana..I celebrate your meter breakthrough shel |
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brneyedgrly Senior Member
since 2009-06-08
Posts 1125nowhere and everywhere |
keepsake she found it there along the ledge amongst the green between the hedge it called to her, she let it wedge it has an edge, it has an edge.. but notes were played into her ear erasing doubt, erasing fear the meaning real, the message clear she holds it dear, she holds it dear.. it tugged at her to take a leap to find the things that she would reap she takes the chance that she will weep it’s hers to keep, it’s hers to keep.. |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
Absolutely wonderful, shelli. xoxoxo Rachael, I am so glad that you are working throught meter hell. It's worth the battle. Love to you both, A |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Very nice, brown eyes Meter is great and the construction excellent.Could you explain the meaning of the poem to me? |
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brneyedgrly Senior Member
since 2009-06-08
Posts 1125nowhere and everywhere |
deer it's to be interpreted by the reader...I will keep the true meaning just for me thanks for approving.. I really like this style. |
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Earth Angel Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215Realms of Light |
Brown-eyed Beauty ~ Shellie, I'm with you! I like this poetic form, as well! It was fun to do! ~ and yours is fabulous!   Linda |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
Sleep-Time Lullaby Lay down your head and go to sleep You’ll dream of moats and castle’s keep As mermaids sing from water's deep From waves they peep; from waves they peep While stars shine down from darkened skies They comfort those with tired cries Then duck and smile as comets fly They whistle by; they whistle by It’s time to close your weary eyes The day is done until sun rise Each morning brings a new surprise Away night flies; away night flies So listen to the nighttime sing The joyful tune that crickets bring While fire flies create lighted strings From dreams they spring; from dreams they spring Lay down your head and go to sleep You’ll dream of laughing elves that leap And dance ‘til morning sunlight creeps To kiss your cheek; to kiss your cheek - Alison [This message has been edited by Alison (09-13-2009 02:26 AM).] |
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Oklahoma Rose Senior Member
since 2008-02-28
Posts 1586Oklahoma USA |
Ok Balladeer! Here is my contribution to your assignment. Hurtful WordsHer kicks esigned to tear apart Her ways were clear right from the start It was her art, it was her art Her temper tantrums weren’t unseen The truth be known, she was so mean She's not one on whom I would lean She’s not so keen, she’s not so keen Each vicious word would pierce right through It seems her words were never true With her it seems she was so vain To cause such pain, to cause such pain Inside this heart I hold the truth And cannot tolerate untrue Or even those who are so rude You must be true, you must be true Oklahoma Rose |
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Earth Angel Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215Realms of Light |
Alison, what a sweet, gentle spirit you have. This is the perfect poem for me to have read before I slip off to slumber. Linda stretches and yawns with a smile on her face. Once you post this in Open (which I trust you WILL be doing!!! ), I will be saving it. Lovely, dear Alison ~ as you yourself are! Sweet dreams! ~ I know mine will be, sweet poetess! Linder Lou |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
Linda, May you have sweet dreams .. love you lots. Thank you for all you bring me. Oh, and the reason you will not tell what the fairy said when she fell down the well? It's probably not very nice, you know. xoxoxo A |
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Earth Angel Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215Realms of Light |
My dear sweet Lasky Girl, you're absolutely right. The fairy said something rather unbecoming ~ but who could blame her? ~ Not I, not I. Love you too! Linder Lou xo... |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
Welcome back Professor! I see everyone's way ahead of me on this one with some excellent work, oh well, here goes. Displaced, somewheres along the line of gears unmeshed and thoughts untwined parameters most ill defined, an absent mind, an absent mind. 'twas here it seemed not long ago now where'd that little rascal go? Confounded little so and so, I do not know, I do not know. Perhaps engrossed in waking dreams ? Illogical as that may seem, albeit a recurring theme, "Come back" I scream, "Come back" I scream into a silence most profound. Returned from who knows where was bound. Subconcious wheels spin 'round and 'round The lost is found, the lost is found! "For now" it says with subtle smirk, (impetuous, conniving jerk) "vacation's one of this jobs perks". How strange that works, how strange that works. |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Wonderful, Alison! You and Linda definitely live somewhere enchanted! Your poems could fit so easily in children fantasy collections and would be a hit! There are two words that gently pushed the boundaries of meter but they were close enough and off-set by the beauty of the poem...nice work! |
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Earth Angel Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215Realms of Light |
Doctor Moose, I tip my 'halo' to you! ~ A fine specimen of this new poetic form! My own mind is absent far too-often!  Enjoyed your wry wit and your writing skills! Love to you, Dear Doctor! Linda |
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Earth Angel Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215Realms of Light |
Balladeer ~ Yeppers! Alison and I sure do! That is one of the many reasons why we are so sympatico! Linda |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Hello, Rose! The topic is very well selected and your thoughts well-presented! I like your style.. There was one area where the meter broke down... Her KICKS were to TEAR me a-PART...........something like "her KICKS de-SIGNED to TEAR a-PART" would fulfill the meter. In the third stanza you deviated from the rhyme scheme. The lines of each stanza are supposed to rhyme. You used "through - true -vain"....oops Dear Rose, you continue to improve, old friend. 16 lines and only one small deviation from meter...that is an amazing improvement. Your dedication and hard work is paying off and it's a pleasure watching you grow.... |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
LOLOL! A moose after me own heart....I'll be back later |
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brneyedgrly Senior Member
since 2009-06-08
Posts 1125nowhere and everywhere |
love everyone's poems.. deer..I wasn't trying to be rude in my response about my subject..it was just one of those very personal pieces that are best kept to oneself..a keepsake : ) thanks for letting us try this style..everyone seems to be enjoying it and doing well! Shellie |
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rachaelfuchsberger
since 2007-02-21
Posts 609Las Vegas, NV |
Shellie, Thank you. I have a much harder time with iambic than trochaic, but I think I'm finally getting it. Z, You are always a place I can go to for support, and your piece was beautiful. Thank you. Arana Darkwolf |
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Oklahoma Rose Senior Member
since 2008-02-28
Posts 1586Oklahoma USA |
Ok Balladeer, I fixed the second line. I just have to work on the rhyme. Thanks, my friends. |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
Balladeer, thank you. I am so happy that you are back! Alison Moose - you are so danged clever. You make me laugh and I love that about you. A Linder Lou, There is no one that I rather do the sympacto with. That is a ballroom dance, right? xoxoxo Alison - Rachael, You are doing good, girly. xoxoxo A |
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Earth Angel Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215Realms of Light |
Alison ~ You crack me up! ~ Care to dance? LL |
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Oklahoma Rose Senior Member
since 2008-02-28
Posts 1586Oklahoma USA |
Ok, Sir Balladeer! I fixed it, I hope. Here is the fixed version. Hurtful WordsHer kicks were to tear me apart Her ways were clear right from the start It was her art, it was her art Her temper tantrums weren’t unseen The truth be known, she was so mean She’s not one on whom I would lean She’s not so keen, she’s not so keen Each vicious word would pierce right through It seems her words were never true With her it seems she was taboo With words untrue, with words untrue Inside this heart I hold the truth And cannot tolerate untrue Or even those who are so rude You must be true, you must be true Oklahoma Rose |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Back to the drawing board, Rose...still not there. her KICKS were to TEAR me a-PART not iambic. |
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rachaelfuchsberger
since 2007-02-21
Posts 609Las Vegas, NV |
Ok...so this one is better, and I'm pretty sure I've got the meter right through the whole thing. Working Late This migraine pain is hurting me Behind my eyes so I can’t see It’s painful now but they can’t see Just let me be, just let me be For home I wish and want and wait ‘Cause rest sounds like a thing that’s great I stay because the pay is bait Please don’t go late, please don’t go late Arana Darkwolf |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Meter is good, Rachel! Rhyming see and see is not, though, and the line "‘Cause rest sounds like a thing that’s great" is really not worth it's weight....I KNOW you are better than that! Don't go getting lazy on me now.... |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
I wandered through the woods of town In search of moose tracks on the ground. I knew they had to be around.. I made no sound. I made no sound. This time I had to kill the beast Or still his evil tongue, at least, Until insulting slurs had ceased.. I'd have a feast....I'd have a feast. I cornered him in Sutter's Cave And, though a worthy fight he gave, His foolish life he could not save.. Prepare the grave..prepare the grave. I tried to barbeque and baste. I ground his antlers into paste. But it was all for naught - a waste. He had no taste...he had no taste. |
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brneyedgrly Senior Member
since 2009-06-08
Posts 1125nowhere and everywhere |
very good and very funny |
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Oklahoma Rose Senior Member
since 2008-02-28
Posts 1586Oklahoma USA |
Well darn, I forgot to change it here. Ok, how's this? Hurtful WordsHer kicks designed to tear apart Her ways were clear right from the start It was her art, it was her art Her temper tantrums weren’t unseen The truth be known, she was so mean She’s not one on whom I would lean She’s not so keen, she’s not so keen Each vicious word would pierce right through It seems her words were never true With her it seems she was taboo With words untrue, with words untrue Inside this heart I hold the truth And cannot tolerate untrue Or even those who are so rude You must be true, you must be true Oklahoma Rose |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
Balladeer -  Not our Moose! Bring back our Moose! That is just too funny! |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
Sue, I am so proud that you didn't give up. Your writing is just getting stronger and stronger. xoxox Alison |
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Earth Angel Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215Realms of Light |
A deer eating a moose?!? ~ A moose eating a deer seems more plausible to me! If in fact, you did not eat the Moosie One, (and he happens upon this poem), I'd hide if I were you!  Barbequed venison could be on his menu!!!Deer Balladeer, that was a fine example of a Monotetra! ~ and well it should be! ~ You're the teach! I enjoyed your wit as per usual! You're a master at writing comedic poetry ~ as is our Doctor Moose! I shall keep an eye out for a retort from him! LL |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
Woo hoo! The game's a-hoof! A wily beast, the "Balladeer" who's rumored to have quite an ear, poetically enhanced I hear. Be of good cheer, be of good cheer! For though he sought to slay the Moose who put tattoos on his caboose and subjects him to much abuse, it was no use, it was no use. In Sutters' Cave where trap was laid indeed a "grave" mistake was made 'twas not moose meat, but marmalade I am afraid, I am afraid, The doctors' orders were quite clear no solid food just yet I fear nor "barbied" Moose for Balladeer, but have good cheer, but have good cheer! Such efforts did not go to waste regarding matters of good taste conclusions drawn are often based with too much haste, with too much haste. |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
You two are so funny! Love you both, A |
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Earth Angel Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215Realms of Light |
Aha! The Moose was game! I love a moose with a sense of hoomah! My caboose is jigglin' like jelly from all the shakin' and achin' in me belly! Well, deer moose, that was quite the moose call. Your retort made me snort ~ in a most undignified manner! lol Loves 'n Laughs, LL |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
Alison, EA, & my good friend Balladeer, and company, Please accept my apologies as I will not be able to continue this saga until I return from riding the "monorail" in Vegas. As luck would have it a trip we scheduled six months ago starts tomorrow. Coincidence? Most likely, as was the fact that I had already started writing a poem in tetrameter just prior to this assignment. The world is a mysterious place @ times. Be well, I hope the shenanigans will continue upon my return. Doc |
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Earth Angel Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215Realms of Light |
Deer Moose, the fun was short-lived ~ but lively and highly entertaining! Enjoy riding the monorail in Vegas! ~ and don't take any wooden nickels (chips) in the casinos! Bon Voyage! LL |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Vegas? Vegas? and I wasn't invited?????? DOn't worry, Doc. SHenanigans will be here when you get back. Double down!!! |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
Have fun - we'll see you when you get back! A |
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nakdthoughts Member Laureate
since 2000-10-29
Posts 19200Between the Lines |
This looks like so much fun, all... I am too worn from 10 days straight of Renaissance Faire and teaching and will have to rest my mind a bit to clear it to write. I have enjoyed the poems... and welcome back Michael. I hope all is on the mend. M |
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Earth Angel Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215Realms of Light |
Maureen ~ 10 days straight at a Rainaissance Faire? ~ Yes, that must have been tiring ~ but I would wager it was worth it! Linda |
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Earth Angel Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215Realms of Light |
Balladeer, I adore this new poetic form! So much so, that I'm back with another offering! Distant Train One eve while walking Lundy’s Lane, in late September’s falling rain, I heard the dismal, sad refrain ~ Of distant train, of distant train. Each whistle pull was long and slow. As steamer neared ~ the sound would grow. With keening wail of banshee blow ~ I yearned to go, I yearned to go. Alone, confused, and in dismay ~ Another day of gloomy gray. I longed to leave without delay. ~ I lost my way, I lost my way... One eve while walking Lundy’s Lane, in late September’s falling rain, I heard the dismal, sad refrain ~ Of distant train, of distant train. LLD |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Angel, you may adore this form but I can assure you that this form LOVES you! Your writing is so smooth and sets such a beautiful mood that you are a natural for it. Well done!! |
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Earth Angel Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215Realms of Light |
Thank you, balladeering teacher! I'm pleased (and relieved) that you likee my choo choo 'monorail'. LL |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Your train of thought is right on, even when I feel you have a loco motive. No mention of my one-track mind, please |
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Earth Angel Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215Realms of Light |
Oh, aren't you a punny one! I like your monorail mind! I have one too, if you haven't surmised that already! lol |
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ken206573 Member
since 2008-10-14
Posts 487 |
Hey there Balladeer, sorry that this is late. I was having a rough time with this one, but I hope that it's well fit. A Winter's Night Lying in a pile of pure snow I hear the wind whistle and blow was it snow angels or the crow I do not know, I do not know Trees shivering into the night stars flicker like a candle light true it was a wonderful sight what a delight, what a delight Being bathed within crystal flake while snow angels dance on the lake baring their hands with no mistake my hand they take, my hand they take We leap and play in snow so deep drunk with laughter for us to keep they lay me down so I can sleep without a peep, without a peep I hope this will do |
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dragngrl28 Junior Member
since 2009-10-12
Posts 45Texas, USA |
I awoke to find him passed out Empty bottles strewn about Why ddo I suffer with this clout For fear no doubt, For fear no doubt I fear at night to be alone So for this fear I now atone Fearing poison I get the phone And hear a moan, and hear a moan He stumbles to the baathroom door And shakily slumps to the floor His disease shakes me to my core Please God no more, please God no more I say my prayers, turn off the light Tomorrow's sun will bring a fight When I try to do what is right A mother's plight, a mother's plight. This isn't exactly what I wanted but I was working from an older poem of mine and trying to capture the same feeling in this form. |
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gid New Member
since 2009-11-25
Posts 5 |
Hi wonder if this thread is still active. I'd like to make a contribution just written today after i discovered this thread. Moment Side by side, we sat in the dark And it came back to me so stark The feelings I’d suppressed so long Returned in throng, returned in throng. An ache which filled my bitter heart When time had come for us to part And yet again, I kept refrain Withheld my pain, withheld my pain. I remember when I lost you I had a dream, in which we flew Fingers twined, we were together Gone forever, gone forever. Once again we’re here, this moment Again, my anguished heart so burnt Let’s exchange the words meant to be Speak and be free, speak and be free. |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Hey, Ken! Welcome and please forgive my getting here late...some doctors had other demands on my time and some things slipped by. At any rate....welcome. I like the thought of the poem and the mood it creates....very nice. The only problem is with the meter. There are a couple of areas where the meter breaks down and creates choppiness. LY-ing in a PILE of pure SNOW i HEAR the WIND WHIS-tle and BLOW was IT snow ANG-els OR the CROW i DO not KNOW, i DO not KNOW. It's not that far off. The only problems are "pile of pure snow" and "wind whistle". The rest is fine. In the other stanzas the problem areas are "being bathed", "within crystal", , "baring their", "Laughter for us". Yes, there are lines that begin trochaic instead of iambic, but that's ok if the line remains constant with it's meter. Some variation is allowed. An extra or missing syllable may be tolerated, and an occasional reversal of the ta TUM pattern (to TA tum) is common, even desirable as a way to avoid monotony. An example of four lines of tetrameter is the first stanza of the introduction to Milton,by William Blake: And did those feet in ancient time Walk upon England's mountains green? And was the holy Lamb of God On England's pleasant pastures seen? If I were to write your poem in tetrameter it would be something like this: While lying in a pile of snow I hear the wind's cold whistle blow. Was it snow angels or the crow? I do not know. I do not know. Trees shivering into the night Stars flicker like a candle light True it was a wonderous sight What a delight. What a delight. Bathed within bright crystal flake Snow angels dancing on the lake. They bare their hands with no mistake My hand they take, my hand they take. We leap and play in snow so deep While drunk with laughter, ours to keep. They lay me down so I can sleep Without a peep, without a peep. Perhaps you may find something there which helps....or you may just consider your way better. No problem...it's YOUR poem! Thanks again for joining in.... |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Hello. dragngrl! This a very poignant poem with a very realistic look inside of a mother with a problematical son (or even husband). It takes courage to admit one will put up with abuse to not be alone. There are a couple of meter problems but nothing major, except for "His disease shakes me to my core" and "When I try to do what is right". Also you are missing a syllable in the second line. Otherwise, all is well. Thank you for contributing! |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Gid, our threads here NEVER close and you can add to anyone you like! Thank you for adding here. It's a good poem of departed lovers, meeting again. Been there - done that! As with many, there are variations from the tetrameter form, the biggest ones being "Let’s exchange the words meant to be" and "I remember when I lost you". The rest are very minor. SO stark and SO burnt doesn't work. You are using the word so only for the purpose of getting the syllable count right and it shows and diminishes the value of the lines. Also, "moment" and "burnt" does not work as a rhyme, not even a near-rhyme. Hey, no one said it was easy! I think you did a fine job and, with a little tweaking, it could be excellent. |
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ken206573 Member
since 2008-10-14
Posts 487 |
Thank you for your comment. I didn't know I had that many mistakes in there....I will try to get back to it when I have the chance. Also hope that your feeling much better and that you would stay with us |
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LivingConfused Junior Member
since 2009-12-27
Posts 40 |
Balladeer an attempt. I sit in a room all alone Confined for my sins untold Lost in thoughts heavier than stones Heartbreak I own, Heartbreak I own Thoughts separate into two ghosts Haunted past glides thru outposts The present protects me with guideposts The past draws close, The past draws close I wonder can they should they mix Popular society will restrict Forbidden by modern the ethics idea nixed, idea nixed Which one to choose past or present Choose past the present will resent Choose present the past in torment Done with my vent, done with my vent |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Nice to see you here, Living Confused, and I appreciate the effort. Let's see how you did... Each line must contain eight syllable.......rule. The syllable counts for your lines are: 8-7-8-8.....not bad 8-7-9-8.....not so good 8-10-9-8...a little worse 8-8-8-8.....bullseye! Each line is tetrameter (four metrical feet)......rule Metrical feet are where the accented syllables are. Tetrameter means the accented syllable are evenly spaced in a specified number of syllables. For example.... i WANT to KNOW where I should GO. -/-/-/-/ The capitalized syllables are where the accents are when you read it and they are all seperated by an unaccented syllable. So let's see how you did there... i SIT in a ROOM all a-LONE -/--/--/ con-FINED for my SINS un-TOLD -/--/-/ LOST in THOUGHTS HEAV-i-er than STONES /-//---/ HEART-break i OWN, HEART-break i OWN /--//--/ As you can see, these lines do not follow the correct pattern. The other lines in the poem do not, either. You need to work on the lines to get the accented syllables in the right place. For example... a-LONE i SIT here IN a ROOM con-FINED for SINS as YET un-TOLD while LOST in THOUGHTS that WEIGH like STONES HEARTbreak i OWN, HEARTbreak i OWN (I'll leave this one unchanged) That may or may not be more appealing to you than yours but, for the purposes of this lesson, it is the correct way. Don't be disheartened. We have people here who worked months to be able to get the "feel" to put those accents in the right place. It's one of those things that sounds easy but isn't. The fact that you are here and willing to make the effort is a good thing. Work on it and let me see what you can do. |
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LivingConfused Junior Member
since 2009-12-27
Posts 40 |
Saw my mistakes and tried to fix them(And may have made all new mistakes). Your explanation on the meter and feet made me see what I needed to grind on. To complicate further I am adding my work on the feet. Unsure about single syllable accents. The accents on polysyllable words I assume is the dictionary reference. HOME in MY room MY cage a-LONE my MIND con-FINED by SINS un-KNOWN con-FUSED in THOUGHT i YEILD, be-MOAN Heartbreak I own, Heartbreak I own THOUGHTS a-SUN-der IN-to Two ghosts PAST in-VADES be-YOND my OUT-posts PRES-ent GUIDES me TRUE with SIGN-posts The past draws close, The past draws close I WON-der, CAN they SHOULD they MIX the PAST and PRES-ent CHOOSE the FIX no GOOD can COME from THE con-FLICTS idea nixed, idea nixed WHICH one TO choose PAST or PRES-ent PAST over PRES-ent IS un-PLEAS-ant choose PRES-ent, PAST is IN tor-MENT done with my vent, done with my vent Home in my room my cage alone My mind confined by sins unknown confused in thought I yeild, bemoan Heartbreak I own, Heartbreak I own Thoughts asunder into two ghosts Past invades beyond my outposts Present guides me true with signposts The past draws close, The past draws close I wonder, can they should they mix the past and present choose the fix no good can come from the conflicts idea nixed, idea nixed Which one to choose past or present Past over present is unpleasant choose present, past is in torment done with my vent, done with my vent |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Much, much better! As far as the syllable accents are concerned, yes ,a dictionary will highlight them with an accent mark in the appropriate places. The best way, however, is simply to read the lines and see if they are the way you would speak in real life. For example.... Home in my room my cage alone You put the accents here... HOME in MY room MY cage a-LONE Is that the way you would pronounce it if you were saying it to someone? I doubt it. I think it would be more like... HOME in my ROOM my CAGE a-LONE or home IN my ROOM my CAGE a-LONE The rest of the first stanza is great. THOUGHTS a-SUN-der IN-to Two ghosts Almost. The accent wouldn't be on "two". It would read as THOUGHTS a-SUN-der IN-to two GHOSTS. Needs to be changed. no GOOD can COME from THE con-FLICTS Almost never will you have an accent on "the". You wouldn't pronounce it that way, either. You do need the accent there to make the sentence work, so change "the" to something else, like "these" or "those" or some other word that IS strong enough to be accented. The rest of the second stanza is right on. WHICH one TO choose PAST or PRES-ent Nope. "To" would not carry an accent, "choose" does, which makes it "WHICH one to CHOOSE PAST or PRES-ent" but then you have two unaccented syllables together (one to) and two accented ones together (choose past). That sentence would have to be reworked. PAST over PRES-ent IS un-PLEAS-ant You have one too many syllables here, 9, and you don't show any accent in the word "over". You could simply change over to o'er and that would solve it, otherwise you need to rework it. Having said all of that, it STILL is a big improvement. You are only hairs off of having everything exact and I'm confident you will make it work. Read good, rhyming poetry, Look up iambic and trochaic poetry on your search engine. Read the examples they give. Let you mind feel the flow of the lines and the rhythm based on the positioning of the accents. That's great exercise for getting used to how it sounds and how it works. Write on! |
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blind poet Junior Member
since 2010-05-20
Posts 14 |
I have known Michael Walker for over 2 years and I simply love his poetry...I have attempted his form before, the monotetra, the following is my attempt to write in meter..iambic, I believe.. I appreciate any critiques you might have...as you know, I am but a student newly come to this poetry arena.. Candle In darkness turning into night my candle now gives little light; though once it burned so very bright. A welcome sight, a welcome sight. I tried to fight against this night. and penned mad words by candlelight. More words I penned and more despite the dying light, the dying light. The candle splutters slowly out. My words means little now without the little light that life's about. Without a doubt, without a doubt.  I thank you for your kind attention in poetry, Dory |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Dory, I would say you did Michael Walker's form justice. The poem is written in perfect iambic and the subject matter excellent. I have no critique of his poem except to applaud it. |
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blind poet Junior Member
since 2010-05-20
Posts 14 |
Oh gosh...thank you Balladeer! ===> happy grinz in poetry, Dory |
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Amberzlynnc Member
since 2010-08-24
Posts 229New Jersey |
Spread out our towels, lay on our backs. The day is calm, we can relax. I'm laughing at all your wise cracks. It's not an act, it's not an act. You rub the lotion on my skin. I feel your touch, can't help but grin. You're getting closer, moving in. Something begins, something begins. The sun bakes down, producing heat. Your boombox plays that catchy beat. The waves are breaking near our feet. I feel complete, I feel complete. Suddenly, you take my hand. You look so cute covered in sand. Your lips are high in my demand, This wasn't planned, this wasn't planned. I move in close and steal a kiss. I never could have pictured this. Complete perfection, total bliss. This beach I'll miss, this beach I'll miss. *Amber |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Excellent work, miss! Your story line is great, using each stanza as a chapter in an unfolding moment of love play. I like it!! From a teaching standpoint, there are a couple of areas that come off choppy due to the loss of the meter. The line "something begins" doesn't work well because you are beginning the line with an accented syllable, the first time in the poem. Actually, this is easily corrected - make something two words. Then you have "some THING", instead of SOMEthing. "Suddenly, you take my hand" also begins trochaic and the line is one syllable short in length. Let's begin the line with "Then", which puts the accent in the right place and corrects the syllable count. "You look so cute covered in sand" loses the iambic with the "CUTE COV-ered" combination. Covered needs to be replaced by an iambic word, such as immersed, for example. SO we have... Then, suddenly, you take my hand. You look so cute immersed in sand. Your lips are high in my demand, This wasn't planned, this wasn't planned Hear the difference in the flow? The other stanzas are perfection. It is an excellent piece |
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Amberzlynnc Member
since 2010-08-24
Posts 229New Jersey |
Wow, I didn't realize how much I was going to learn from this.. Thanks so much! *Amber |
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