Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA
Excellent work, miss! Your story line is great, using each stanza as a chapter in an unfolding moment of love play. I like it!!
From a teaching standpoint, there are a couple of areas that come off choppy due to the loss of the meter.
The line "something begins" doesn't work well because you are beginning the line with an accented syllable, the first time in the poem. Actually, this is easily corrected - make something two words. Then you have "some THING", instead of SOMEthing.
"Suddenly, you take my hand" also begins trochaic and the line is one syllable short in length. Let's begin the line with "Then", which puts the accent in the right place and corrects the syllable count.
"You look so cute covered in sand" loses the iambic with the "CUTE COV-ered" combination. Covered needs to be replaced by an iambic word, such as immersed, for example. SO we have...
Then, suddenly, you take my hand.
You look so cute immersed in sand.
Your lips are high in my demand,
This wasn't planned, this wasn't planned
Hear the difference in the flow?
The other stanzas are perfection. It is an excellent piece