How to Join Member's Area Private Library Search Today's Topics p Login
Main Forums Discussion Tech Talk Mature Content Archives
   Nav Win
 Main Forums
 Poetry Workshop
 Let's Ride the Monotetra!!   [ Page: 1  2  3  4  ]
 75 76 77
Follow us on Facebook

 Moderated by: Nan, Balladeer   (Admins )

 
User Options
Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Not Available
Admin Print Send ECard
Passions in Poetry

Let's Ride the Monotetra!!

 Post A Reply Post New Topic   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
Amberzlynnc
Member
since 08-24-2010
Posts 227
New Jersey


75 posted 08-24-2010 03:30 AM       View Profile for Amberzlynnc   Email Amberzlynnc   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Amberzlynnc's Home Page   View IP for Amberzlynnc

Spread out our towels, lay on our backs.
The day is calm, we can relax.
I'm laughing at all your wise cracks.
It's not an act, it's not an act.

You rub the lotion on my skin.
I feel your touch, can't help but grin.
You're getting closer, moving in.
Something begins, something begins.

The sun bakes down, producing heat.
Your boombox plays that catchy beat.
The waves are breaking near our feet.
I feel complete, I feel complete.

Suddenly, you take my hand.
You look so cute covered in sand.
Your lips are high in my demand,
This wasn't planned, this wasn't planned.

I move in close and steal a kiss.
I never could have pictured this.
Complete perfection, total bliss.
This beach I'll miss, this beach I'll miss.

*Amber

Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 06-05-99
Posts 26302
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA


76 posted 08-24-2010 09:14 PM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

Excellent work, miss! Your story line is great, using each stanza as a chapter in  an unfolding moment of love play. I like it!!

From a teaching standpoint, there are a couple of areas that come off choppy due to the loss of the meter.

The  line "something begins" doesn't work well because you are beginning the line with an accented syllable, the first time in the poem. Actually, this is easily corrected - make something two words. Then you have "some THING", instead of SOMEthing.

"Suddenly, you take my hand" also begins trochaic and the line is one syllable short in length. Let's begin the line with "Then", which puts the accent in the right place and corrects the syllable count.

"You look so cute covered in sand" loses the iambic with the "CUTE COV-ered" combination. Covered needs to be replaced by an iambic word, such as immersed, for example. SO we have...

Then, suddenly, you take my hand.
You look so cute immersed in sand.
Your lips are high in my demand,
This wasn't planned, this wasn't planned

Hear the difference in the flow?

The other stanzas are perfection. It is an excellent piece


Amberzlynnc
Member
since 08-24-2010
Posts 227
New Jersey


77 posted 08-24-2010 09:32 PM       View Profile for Amberzlynnc   Email Amberzlynnc   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Amberzlynnc's Home Page   View IP for Amberzlynnc

Wow, I didn't realize how much I was going to learn from this.. Thanks so much!

*Amber

 
 Post A Reply Post New Topic   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
All times are ET (US) Top
  User Options
>> Main Forums >> Poetry Workshop >> Let's Ride the Monotetra!!   [ Page: 1  2  3  4  ] Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Not Available
Print Send ECard

 

pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Today's Topics | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary



© Passions in Poetry and netpoets.com 1998-2013
All Poetry and Prose is copyrighted by the individual authors